My week has been a bit tough. I guess with the lack of in foliage to hide in, my chickens have become target practice for the hawks and easy pickings to say the least. I lost my favorite white silkie named spike one day, then evil lester the blue cochin the next. This morning, I woke up to a hawk about the size of a serama chewing on maurice, my little black silkie. The hawk just kinda looked back at me like --what the fuck are you looking at, i'm eating breakfast here-- as he peeled away the skin on the neck of my former friend. So I was pissed off and all the ducks were watching from their little house as I ran to get the gun, not sure what I was going to do with it but still pissed off that this stupid bird was eating the head off the little chicken that I hand raised from a day old peep.
By the time I got back, the hawk was perched up in the tree, swinging it's tail around like a taunting kid on the playground, and I was damn pissed. Not like I did anything, but I guess I impressed him just by standing in my pj's, freezing with a cold clip in one hand and the rifle in the other, wondering how the two go together and how bad the kick it going to be.
In the end, I just stood there, staring at him, melting the snow around my boots as I watched him twitch his tail and move from one tree to a farther tree to a farther tree until he was a speck. I'm sure he'll be back. The ground was frozen and I couldn't bury poor maurice. I let the ducks out, despite my best judgment. The chickens, however, are staying in today.
Le sigh... such is life in the wild, wild open. It constantly comes down to the dichotomy of safety with no freedom, or freedom without safety. If I keep them in the pen all the time, they are fine, but then they never get to run around in fresh grass. But then again, running around in fresh grass could have them turn up dead.
I guess I subject them to what I would rather have; a life with the wind blowing through my hair, er feathers in their case, throwing caution to the wind and possibly becoming someone's lunch.
But I guess we all feed ourselves to the wolves sometimes....
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
One, two, three... juuum.... er three jump.. no. wait. one twoooooooo....
yeah, i can't do it.
So recently I am coming to terms with those terrible little demons in my life. Not like the real spiritual struggle that my dad talks about (the end is coming, you know) but rather the things about me that I try to hide by sweeping them under the couch, rug, dog, or whatever I can find to hide under. Everything is fine. Yeah, everrrything is fine. Fine. Fine.
You know the easiest way to tell if someone is lying about how they are is if they repeat the word over and over.... example: How are you today? response: "good... good." That means that things are not going too well.
So it's been awhile of "fine... just fine" days as of late and so last night after fruitlessly trying to re-learn the french horn, I sat my ass down and tried to figure out why I hate myself and have such a tough time even getting out of bed every morning. I just made a simple list of pros and cons because it is easy to feel muddled and confused if everything is lumped together. Classification is science and all that jazz. So I classified my life. I searched deep down to try to find out what the root of my discontent is. It ended up turning into this huge chart, kinda like when you're writing a play and looking for character development. Anyway, this chart linked all my pros and cons together, which would be a balanced give and take relationship. An example being the vet bill for my dog last week was astronomical, but I love my dog terribly and she's a joy to be with, so I don't mind.
After awhile, I started to find a common thread in my cons... and it wasn't my parents (shockingly).
I don't know. I think what I have here is a good start. I kinda like the area, not my favorite but it's got potential. That and I've never been to any city that I walked through and could completely call home. One of the first pros was my chickens, and I know that might sound weird that poultry would be higher on my list than say... my mom, but it is. So I admitted to myself that I like chickens. A lot. And my ducks. The whole rent fiasco with my house is kinda annoying and proximity to my parents is a bit disturbing, however it's not really the main worry in my life. Ok, this is starting to get muddled again. Back to the list.
Pros:
-chickens
-friends - jason, beth, norm
-knitting club
-the band... and music in general
-family nearby... kinda a pro and a con, but mostly a pro
-resources. i have a woodshop and i have land that i have access to and use both to the best of my ability / time
Cons:
-no $$
-no time
-no energy
-i never see my chickens because i'm at work from dawn till dusk
-lack of freedom, can't just up and take trips
-not really growing as a person... which is a big one for me. i've always been in school or been feeding off of other people who are learning and growing. now the only knowledge that i'm getting fed is the prime rate and how many foreclosures there are in canton.
Anyway, I guess seeing that all on paper kinda helped me out. After I wrote it all down and read it back to myself, I started linking them and some things really made sense. The pattern is suffocating.
And here I am again, sitting at work, staring at a pile of files and checking the clock at regular intervals because if you look too often, then it doesn't move as fast. And I'm ducking and covering from my least favorite person in the world who keeps just standing around talking about nothing or something, I can never tell which. I think he just likes to hear himself talk. For awhile my favorite thing to do to him would be to contradict what he was saying and listen to him go around about how my idea makes sense and then he'd change his whole discussion with himself. I don't find that amusing anymore.
This is the point in my life that I contact a therapist and say help.
I was going to go back to school, but I didn't know what for. After going to the first day of class and realizing that I didn't know why I was in there, I kinda decided to take that $654 dollars and something cents that I would have wasted on yet another undergrad class and put that money towards getting a third party un-biased opinion about my life. In all actuality, I think I'm paying someone to stroke my ego, calm me down, then kick me in the pants to do something. I think I am right on the brink of what some might call hysteria.
So, the therapist called me to return my message and try to set up an appointment time. She took my name and basic info as I was swallowing the lump in my throat and then she asked me why I was seeking therapy. This is the point in the conversation where the tears that I had been trying so valiantly to hold back came screaming up through my damnable tear ducts and burst out onto my face as I blurted out, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm only 24!"
I pulled the phone away from my face and kinda hung my head in shame. How much self control do I have, honestly. Or maybe the real question is, how long have I been holding that back.
A part of me hates that I can only really sort things out in these rantings on online blogs. It seems so odd that I would let anyone who can do a search find my innermost vulnerabilities and confessions that I can't even articulate to those closest to me. But I guess the other, more prevalent part of me prefers this anonymity of not seeing anyone's face, not hearing anyone's voice and not knowing whether or not this is actually being read.
So I guess this is where I am at now. Sorting my life into two piles and seeing where I can cut the fat. I'm going back to my lofty aspirations when I would stand in front of a class full of my peers and say with my whole heart "my name is Janeé and I want to be...." which I'm not sure if that was when I was in second grade when I wanted to be a vet (before I realized that I was deathly afraid of needles) or when I was in 9th grade and wanted to be an art therapist or sophomore year of college when I wanted to be a lesbian rock star or a year ago when I wanted to be a house renovator. I don't remember a time in my life when I wanted to be an assistant in the money biz.
ACTION:
So, I think no good plan is indeed a plan without some sort of action. But then action without weighing out things rationally is just impulsive... yeah, back to the point.
1. If I want to get back into psych, the thing holding me back now is the black mark on my record... so I called a lawyer to try to see what was going on, what my rights were and how long that would stay on my record. I kinda cried a little because I'm pathetic and emotional right now, but he pretty much told me what I wanted to hear, that things fall off your record after two years, but if I was still worried about it, to write a letter to my desired employer stating what happened if they did a background search and happened to still find it. I guess that was comforting learning that I'm not damned forever if I do plan on moving into that.
2. GRE.
And yes, I am dreaming about grad school. What little girl isn't. But then again, there are a few things holding me back on this lofty aspiration, namely 1. would I go for psych or english? 2. i doubt that my grades are good enough, but then again, you never know until you try, right? 3. letters or recommendation. <--these are going to be the toughest. The only classes that I ever gave a damn about in school were my english and art classes, and regrettably I don't have much to show for those. So I guess my question is, should I go back for psych, a field which I love but classes that I don't really love, or should I go back for english, a field that has no jobs but classes that I love.
Ok, I think that's enough preponderance for today. I fear as though I might have bit off more than I can chew, but then again. That's life. I'll let you know how crazy my new shrink thinks I am. In that lawyers eyes today though, I was altruistic, young and hopeful. That's kinda a good feeling.
Aaaaand I'm crying again.
......damn feminine hormones.
yeah, i can't do it.
So recently I am coming to terms with those terrible little demons in my life. Not like the real spiritual struggle that my dad talks about (the end is coming, you know) but rather the things about me that I try to hide by sweeping them under the couch, rug, dog, or whatever I can find to hide under. Everything is fine. Yeah, everrrything is fine. Fine. Fine.
You know the easiest way to tell if someone is lying about how they are is if they repeat the word over and over.... example: How are you today? response: "good... good." That means that things are not going too well.
So it's been awhile of "fine... just fine" days as of late and so last night after fruitlessly trying to re-learn the french horn, I sat my ass down and tried to figure out why I hate myself and have such a tough time even getting out of bed every morning. I just made a simple list of pros and cons because it is easy to feel muddled and confused if everything is lumped together. Classification is science and all that jazz. So I classified my life. I searched deep down to try to find out what the root of my discontent is. It ended up turning into this huge chart, kinda like when you're writing a play and looking for character development. Anyway, this chart linked all my pros and cons together, which would be a balanced give and take relationship. An example being the vet bill for my dog last week was astronomical, but I love my dog terribly and she's a joy to be with, so I don't mind.
After awhile, I started to find a common thread in my cons... and it wasn't my parents (shockingly).
I don't know. I think what I have here is a good start. I kinda like the area, not my favorite but it's got potential. That and I've never been to any city that I walked through and could completely call home. One of the first pros was my chickens, and I know that might sound weird that poultry would be higher on my list than say... my mom, but it is. So I admitted to myself that I like chickens. A lot. And my ducks. The whole rent fiasco with my house is kinda annoying and proximity to my parents is a bit disturbing, however it's not really the main worry in my life. Ok, this is starting to get muddled again. Back to the list.
Pros:
-chickens
-friends - jason, beth, norm
-knitting club
-the band... and music in general
-family nearby... kinda a pro and a con, but mostly a pro
-resources. i have a woodshop and i have land that i have access to and use both to the best of my ability / time
Cons:
-no $$
-no time
-no energy
-i never see my chickens because i'm at work from dawn till dusk
-lack of freedom, can't just up and take trips
-not really growing as a person... which is a big one for me. i've always been in school or been feeding off of other people who are learning and growing. now the only knowledge that i'm getting fed is the prime rate and how many foreclosures there are in canton.
Anyway, I guess seeing that all on paper kinda helped me out. After I wrote it all down and read it back to myself, I started linking them and some things really made sense. The pattern is suffocating.
And here I am again, sitting at work, staring at a pile of files and checking the clock at regular intervals because if you look too often, then it doesn't move as fast. And I'm ducking and covering from my least favorite person in the world who keeps just standing around talking about nothing or something, I can never tell which. I think he just likes to hear himself talk. For awhile my favorite thing to do to him would be to contradict what he was saying and listen to him go around about how my idea makes sense and then he'd change his whole discussion with himself. I don't find that amusing anymore.
This is the point in my life that I contact a therapist and say help.
I was going to go back to school, but I didn't know what for. After going to the first day of class and realizing that I didn't know why I was in there, I kinda decided to take that $654 dollars and something cents that I would have wasted on yet another undergrad class and put that money towards getting a third party un-biased opinion about my life. In all actuality, I think I'm paying someone to stroke my ego, calm me down, then kick me in the pants to do something. I think I am right on the brink of what some might call hysteria.
So, the therapist called me to return my message and try to set up an appointment time. She took my name and basic info as I was swallowing the lump in my throat and then she asked me why I was seeking therapy. This is the point in the conversation where the tears that I had been trying so valiantly to hold back came screaming up through my damnable tear ducts and burst out onto my face as I blurted out, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm only 24!"
I pulled the phone away from my face and kinda hung my head in shame. How much self control do I have, honestly. Or maybe the real question is, how long have I been holding that back.
A part of me hates that I can only really sort things out in these rantings on online blogs. It seems so odd that I would let anyone who can do a search find my innermost vulnerabilities and confessions that I can't even articulate to those closest to me. But I guess the other, more prevalent part of me prefers this anonymity of not seeing anyone's face, not hearing anyone's voice and not knowing whether or not this is actually being read.
So I guess this is where I am at now. Sorting my life into two piles and seeing where I can cut the fat. I'm going back to my lofty aspirations when I would stand in front of a class full of my peers and say with my whole heart "my name is Janeé and I want to be...." which I'm not sure if that was when I was in second grade when I wanted to be a vet (before I realized that I was deathly afraid of needles) or when I was in 9th grade and wanted to be an art therapist or sophomore year of college when I wanted to be a lesbian rock star or a year ago when I wanted to be a house renovator. I don't remember a time in my life when I wanted to be an assistant in the money biz.
ACTION:
So, I think no good plan is indeed a plan without some sort of action. But then action without weighing out things rationally is just impulsive... yeah, back to the point.
1. If I want to get back into psych, the thing holding me back now is the black mark on my record... so I called a lawyer to try to see what was going on, what my rights were and how long that would stay on my record. I kinda cried a little because I'm pathetic and emotional right now, but he pretty much told me what I wanted to hear, that things fall off your record after two years, but if I was still worried about it, to write a letter to my desired employer stating what happened if they did a background search and happened to still find it. I guess that was comforting learning that I'm not damned forever if I do plan on moving into that.
2. GRE.
And yes, I am dreaming about grad school. What little girl isn't. But then again, there are a few things holding me back on this lofty aspiration, namely 1. would I go for psych or english? 2. i doubt that my grades are good enough, but then again, you never know until you try, right? 3. letters or recommendation. <--these are going to be the toughest. The only classes that I ever gave a damn about in school were my english and art classes, and regrettably I don't have much to show for those. So I guess my question is, should I go back for psych, a field which I love but classes that I don't really love, or should I go back for english, a field that has no jobs but classes that I love.
Ok, I think that's enough preponderance for today. I fear as though I might have bit off more than I can chew, but then again. That's life. I'll let you know how crazy my new shrink thinks I am. In that lawyers eyes today though, I was altruistic, young and hopeful. That's kinda a good feeling.
Aaaaand I'm crying again.
......damn feminine hormones.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
yeah, i don't know.... but who does.
So, I don't know. I haven't blogged in quite a long time, I guess partially because I completely hate the word "blog" and partly because I don't have the internet at home.... certainly not for lack of content. I think once you're out of journaling for awhile, it's tough to get back in, but then again, transitions were never my strong suit.
In any case, here I am at work, staring out the window at what looks to be a beautiful sunny day but in all actuality, it is brutally cold on the other side of my big picture windows. My bosses are taking a long cocktail lunch and I'm pacing around trying to decompress from a terribly stressful morning visit courtesy of the state of Ohio licensing compliance board. I guess I'm in charge of a lot, but it's one of those jobs that "anyone can do" and therefore, they do not pay much. I bullshit online a lot, but kinda check and make sure that we are in compliance with the different states that we operate in and file quarterly reports and blah blah blah. Point being, it's one of those things that no one really notices until something goes wrong.
Not like anything went terrible this morning, but a short stocky guy with a wheeze came in with super amazing glasses and at least 30 years my senior and much the wiser for it. He came in and talked with my dude-boss for about an hour before I got paged into his office. It doesn't take much to get me shaking like a leaf and in a matter of 4.8 seconds after one question, I swore I kinda almost peed myself. I guess there was a compliance issue that I thought was resolved but indeed was not resolved and we were out of compliance and my boss was flipping.... but then after a half an hour of my heart in my throat, I remembered what I knew all along; that I knew what I was doing and we actually didn't need it.
And I have no idea why I'm spouting this all out into the cyber-world. Maybe I am just reaffirming why I don't keep a blog and haven't kept one in so long... namely because I'm boring and all I can talk about at work is work. So I guess this is the part where I move on to my personal life.
I think the major thing that is going on right now (being winter, the most boooooring time of year in Ohio) is that I just started class. Granted, it's one class at the local college and I just found out that it counts for absolutely nothing, but whatever. I like being in school and learning stuff all the time. I get stagnant and not fun if I sit around for too long. So I signed up for some journalism class thinking maybe I would get back into school and become a magazine writer or something. I don't know.... why not pile on the worthless majors. This week it's magazine journalism, last week I wanted to go back for interior design, a year ago I was going to Akron for anthropology... I think I'm cursed with the too many options and not enough focus disease.
In Germany, students at the ripe age of 14 must take a test which will determine what they are going to do with the rest of their lives. (yeah, stress?) This test is administered in 9th grade and whatever your marks are determines if you will continue on in school or if you will move into an apprenticeship with someone who is pursuing the field that you are to enter.
I guess modern day Germany is no match for just a few centuries back with the major social stratification of the proletariat vs. the bougeois where your family would determine your place in the world (oh fuck, I'd be making finn tubing for air conditioners and refrigerators in a dank garage out back 10 non-working cars for the rest of my life... or on the other side of my family, i would be an engineer for airplanes, which I guess wouldn't be terrible... but then again, I would probably just be the little housewife of an engineer.)
I think that the point of my indecision is not that I do not have the ability to do anything, but rather the possibility to do too many things.
The problem with searching for a job is the actual decision and convincing myself that this is what i'm going to do ---for the rest of my life life life ....
It's terribly scary and I tend to get bored of things after about a year, which sucks because then I'm a novice at everything, expert of nothing. That and the fact that all the things that I want to do are the typical things that every twenty-something year old girl dreams of doing... well, plus an aviary that I tote around with me. This only means that there is a huge pool of twenty something girls who would love to start up a bistro or work as a freelance writer or at a vet clinic or whatnot. What ambitious young whelp is going to say "oh god, how I would love to work the front desk of a mortgage broker business in -shittown- ohio, making a salary that's well below the poverty line".
I think this whole rant is spawning from the cruel and utter embarrassment that I was dealt yesterday, staring at the floor, in front of the entire class on the first day of school.
It was one of those dumb assignments that everyone hates where you interview one of your classmates; find out their hopes and dreams and where they grew up and whatnot in 5 minutes and then just give the highlights while people pretend to be interested.
Mine kinda went...
Name: Janee
Employed at: mortgage broker's office
Major: Undecided
Career Goals: Undecided
Why you took this class: Undecided
Something Unique: uh.. I own 50 birds.... although my ever-sweet interviewer when introducing me to the class emphasized the "really, total weirdness" of this to which the entire class responded with laughter, which I guess means that they were awake which is kinda good, but it just meant that I stared more intently at my shoes as all the blood from my quickly beating heart rushed to my face. As I scurried back to my desk, I thought over and over -why didn't I just say I'm janee who wants to write a novel who likes drinking beer or I'm janee who wants to be a school teacher and help kids who likes to cook soup.
Nope. Now I'm the registered crazy bird lady of the class who doesn't know what she's doing with her life. Sweeeeet.
In any case, here I am at work, staring out the window at what looks to be a beautiful sunny day but in all actuality, it is brutally cold on the other side of my big picture windows. My bosses are taking a long cocktail lunch and I'm pacing around trying to decompress from a terribly stressful morning visit courtesy of the state of Ohio licensing compliance board. I guess I'm in charge of a lot, but it's one of those jobs that "anyone can do" and therefore, they do not pay much. I bullshit online a lot, but kinda check and make sure that we are in compliance with the different states that we operate in and file quarterly reports and blah blah blah. Point being, it's one of those things that no one really notices until something goes wrong.
Not like anything went terrible this morning, but a short stocky guy with a wheeze came in with super amazing glasses and at least 30 years my senior and much the wiser for it. He came in and talked with my dude-boss for about an hour before I got paged into his office. It doesn't take much to get me shaking like a leaf and in a matter of 4.8 seconds after one question, I swore I kinda almost peed myself. I guess there was a compliance issue that I thought was resolved but indeed was not resolved and we were out of compliance and my boss was flipping.... but then after a half an hour of my heart in my throat, I remembered what I knew all along; that I knew what I was doing and we actually didn't need it.
And I have no idea why I'm spouting this all out into the cyber-world. Maybe I am just reaffirming why I don't keep a blog and haven't kept one in so long... namely because I'm boring and all I can talk about at work is work. So I guess this is the part where I move on to my personal life.
I think the major thing that is going on right now (being winter, the most boooooring time of year in Ohio) is that I just started class. Granted, it's one class at the local college and I just found out that it counts for absolutely nothing, but whatever. I like being in school and learning stuff all the time. I get stagnant and not fun if I sit around for too long. So I signed up for some journalism class thinking maybe I would get back into school and become a magazine writer or something. I don't know.... why not pile on the worthless majors. This week it's magazine journalism, last week I wanted to go back for interior design, a year ago I was going to Akron for anthropology... I think I'm cursed with the too many options and not enough focus disease.
In Germany, students at the ripe age of 14 must take a test which will determine what they are going to do with the rest of their lives. (yeah, stress?) This test is administered in 9th grade and whatever your marks are determines if you will continue on in school or if you will move into an apprenticeship with someone who is pursuing the field that you are to enter.
I guess modern day Germany is no match for just a few centuries back with the major social stratification of the proletariat vs. the bougeois where your family would determine your place in the world (oh fuck, I'd be making finn tubing for air conditioners and refrigerators in a dank garage out back 10 non-working cars for the rest of my life... or on the other side of my family, i would be an engineer for airplanes, which I guess wouldn't be terrible... but then again, I would probably just be the little housewife of an engineer.)
I think that the point of my indecision is not that I do not have the ability to do anything, but rather the possibility to do too many things.
The problem with searching for a job is the actual decision and convincing myself that this is what i'm going to do ---for the rest of my life life life ....
It's terribly scary and I tend to get bored of things after about a year, which sucks because then I'm a novice at everything, expert of nothing. That and the fact that all the things that I want to do are the typical things that every twenty-something year old girl dreams of doing... well, plus an aviary that I tote around with me. This only means that there is a huge pool of twenty something girls who would love to start up a bistro or work as a freelance writer or at a vet clinic or whatnot. What ambitious young whelp is going to say "oh god, how I would love to work the front desk of a mortgage broker business in -shittown- ohio, making a salary that's well below the poverty line".
I think this whole rant is spawning from the cruel and utter embarrassment that I was dealt yesterday, staring at the floor, in front of the entire class on the first day of school.
It was one of those dumb assignments that everyone hates where you interview one of your classmates; find out their hopes and dreams and where they grew up and whatnot in 5 minutes and then just give the highlights while people pretend to be interested.
Mine kinda went...
Name: Janee
Employed at: mortgage broker's office
Major: Undecided
Career Goals: Undecided
Why you took this class: Undecided
Something Unique: uh.. I own 50 birds.... although my ever-sweet interviewer when introducing me to the class emphasized the "really, total weirdness" of this to which the entire class responded with laughter, which I guess means that they were awake which is kinda good, but it just meant that I stared more intently at my shoes as all the blood from my quickly beating heart rushed to my face. As I scurried back to my desk, I thought over and over -why didn't I just say I'm janee who wants to write a novel who likes drinking beer or I'm janee who wants to be a school teacher and help kids who likes to cook soup.
Nope. Now I'm the registered crazy bird lady of the class who doesn't know what she's doing with her life. Sweeeeet.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
the first
Hello. I guess here goes. You found me. Not saying that in the schizophrenic way that everyone is being tracked by the mass mind of googlovernment or anything. Just this is my corner of the internet... meaning I can type much faster than I can hand write and I certainly don't know shorthand yet, so that's out as well.
Anyway, as of right now I reside in an old house out in the middle of nowhere Ohio. I keep up with an aviary of a bunch of chickens, some ducks, peacocks, pheasants, and turkeys... which were delicious. I've got a couple dogs, but then again, who doesn't. I work a stupid desk job in the day (once again, who doesn't) and run around barefoot at night. I like gardens, eating home grown food, brewing my own beer, and canning. My name is Janee. This is my blog.
I could start by telling you how I got here, but I was never a big fan of a linear story. I don't think that's how memories work so why should my story be any different. I do remember today. It rained. The rest of the story will come in time.
Anyway, as of right now I reside in an old house out in the middle of nowhere Ohio. I keep up with an aviary of a bunch of chickens, some ducks, peacocks, pheasants, and turkeys... which were delicious. I've got a couple dogs, but then again, who doesn't. I work a stupid desk job in the day (once again, who doesn't) and run around barefoot at night. I like gardens, eating home grown food, brewing my own beer, and canning. My name is Janee. This is my blog.
I could start by telling you how I got here, but I was never a big fan of a linear story. I don't think that's how memories work so why should my story be any different. I do remember today. It rained. The rest of the story will come in time.
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