muggy

It is incredibly hot and muggy out today. I went to work and then left for a long lunch, came back and then left early. 90 degrees and humidity is crushing.

and my life seems to be a bit out of control as of late. for a bit, i think i had it stabilized, but then as my sister is calling me as i'm driving away from my shrink appointment and ruins my peace of mind that only 50 bucks and a woman who will listen can give, i kinda realize that i don't have it all in control.

i'm kinda in a rut. i know what i want to do, but i don't know how to get there. i want to be in an integrated community that shares my ideals of self sustaining and raising your own food. i don't want to live next door to my parents anymore. i don't know if my current job will be able to support me. i think that i might have to make a bit change, but then again, little me and my anxiety problems have it a bit rough when it comes to even thinking about stuff like that.

it kinda came to me when i was making my sweet potato order. we didn't get our starts this year because we placed the order too late. i was thinking about placing the order now for next year when i thought -what the fuck, do i want to be here next year?


so now i don't know. i guess nothing will really change until after shrimp harvest, which is on september 22nd, hint hint, mark your calanders. i guess really it won't be until after november when the turkey slaughter happens, but maybe in the pale blue months of january and feb, i can pull together the pieces of my brain and figure out where i'm going from here.

all that i know is that wherever i go, it will be away from here.