pacing in time

so i'm finally by myself for the first time in weeks. it's strange. there is a rattling around in my brain and the dog on my lap is barking at some phantom standing in the dark and cold just outside the window. i'm pacing back and forth between the kitchen, the piano and the computer. i'm stuck in a rut.
i drink some tea. just ate some soup. my feet are frozen. i finished billing for my dad. i'm looking forward to getting my shit together in 2008. i'm not one for new years resolution, but the fiscal year and all that has got me tracking expenses and saving receipts.
i tried to help my dad this morning with sending out invoices and estimates for his new company... which had zero revenue in 2007. it's funny. i'm cleaning out his desk, trying to organize and he's picking things out of the trash that he had meant to fix a year or two ago but never got to it. broken remote controls are shoved in with chocolate bars and football rookie cards with business cards and sticky notes to remember this or that.

but for most of the day, i was in the best mood after waking up with 8 full hours of beautiful sleep. and then in my warm bed (or should i say, my bed warmed by my new, amazing mattress warmer) i didn't want to move, so i grabbed a book and read for an hour with a purring kitten nestled beside me, hiding from the morning.

it's bitter cold here and i swear that the snow forming is just air molecules that huddled together to keep warm and instead turned into tiny pieces of ice. i feel like i'm shivering all the time now, just in little bursts here or there.
i'm looking for writing jobs online. but i only check once and awhile so i always seem to be too early or too late for whatever i'm looking for. i think that i should just bite the bullet and do what i've been planning on doing since i was 15... write that damn book.
but then again, i don't know how people do it. how can they focus with so many distractions? and even if you can focus, how can you both have time and energy and enough money to keep your head above water.

i guess it's ok. i'm back on multivitamins and checking how many hours i waste away in sleep. i'm happy that i don't have a television. i feel like there are too many other things that are soaking up time that i don't need a thief to steal my time away as well.

and the more time that goes on, the more it's a battle to drag myself out of my room these days. i know that i should go out and i know that once i'm out, i'm ok... but i'd much rather just stay in my slippers, pacing about from the piano to the computer to the kitchen then go somewhere that i have to spend money or i can't just fall asleep whenever i get sleepy.

and my addiction to sweets and run on sentences with fragmented thoughts grows by the day. perhaps that is why i shiver and shake, just the insulin in my body dancing with the sugar and working its way through my veins.


in any case, it's cold and quiet and i can't stop writing the same song over and over again. it's like my fingers keep hitting the notes as though i'm typing the same word over and over and over again and i can't change or stop. so i sit down and try to trick myself into striking different chords, but no matter how hard i try, it never sounds right.
and i'm sad there has been no band practice since our last show and the hope for band practice in the future keeps dwindling. norm might move out of state, which is fine. i just wish that he would tell me so that i don't keep wasting my time.



ok, i'm going to finish this emotional word vomit and kick my ass out into the streets for a night of sparks and hanging out with jason's ex. wohoo!