Terrified

So yesterday was the first day of deliveries for the CSA for this year. It was disappointing to say the least. I just had that sinking suspicion all night of my inadequacies; not enough lettuce, not sure where I'm going, the watercress was wilting... etc. With little sleep from the previous two nights of camping and seeing a show until midnight the night before, I went out with my little snippers in hand to harvest some watercress and pull up the lettuce. Jason was going to dig the radishes later and that was pretty much all we had. The strawberries were not ripe. The asparagus was eaten by beetles. The rhubarb wasn't bad, but few people know how to eat it.
We threw together the baskets in grandma's basement, putting a bag of lettuce, some loose watercress and a few radishes in each. I probably wouldn't have paid more than 2 dollars for it at any store. I was a bit frustrated and not exactly in the best mood for the deliveries.
I printed out the directions in a hurry the night before and I had made it so that we were going from one side of town to the other and then back again, crossing paths and back tracking everywhere. They took soooooo long and were really drawn out. The watercress immediately wilted. The radishes looked sad and I was snapping at Jason.

I'm a fucking idiot for starting it the first week in June. I think that I just forgot how everything takes so long in the spring to wake up. We also got the peas in the ground way too late and didn't even start any beets. I do have quite a few cabbages, but I have no idea when those will head up. Our cukes have yet to sprout. Our chard is barely up. We're looking at lettuce baskets for the next three weeks.
I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but I feel this unending pressure right now of fulfilling so many expectations with so many different factors that I cannot control.

So I guess that I'm going down to the store and picking up supplimental supplies for the 18 people who are coming out to pick up their baskets and I've got to smile and show off the gardens, which are looking so tiny and underplanted right now. I went to the greenhouse and bought a bunch more plants, hoping that it won't look like we're terribly unprepared. But I think we are. And there is little if anything I can do right now to stop the boulder that is pummelling down my way right now. Nothing that I plant today will be ready by tomorrow. And I've fitted myself all too well in the organic lifestyle that scourns using chemicals to speed up harvest.

Everything in it's own time... but it's never fast enough or good enough for now.