cold wake up

So I moved my computer over to my house and if I sit just right on the corner of my bed, I can catch the interweb from the neighbors on the hill. And we're tearing up the upstairs to put it back together only make it a little bit warmer as previously, using air as insulation wasn't really very insulating. (I always thought the bitter draft was just the windows, but nope, turns out it was actually the entire ceiling / walls.)
I'm waking up nice a slowly with a mattress heater and one nostril filled entirely with snot. Last night Jason took me on a shopping date. I got some slippers for me, boots for my sister, and sparkles for the deer skulls we're adorning our christmas tree this year with. And then I laughed as Jason filled out an incredibly long job application for borders... but then thought about it and started filling one out myself.

Well, my bladder is full from the cold and morning writing is terrible compared to at night, so I think I'm going to just start my day.

voicemails meant to be deleted

Tonight, after a long bath and an even longer self assessment session, I listened to all my skipped voicemails.-student loans -lawrence twp police calling about a goat they found to see if it's mine - my mother - the band is at my house and they don't know where i am - bill collectors again - some lady asking if i have any turkeys - an unintentioned call (ass dial) from jason - my mother again - and a job rejection.


I'm trying not to be too apocalyptic, but I'm sitting here with half of my bedroom ceiling falling in on me in what appears to be the set of a horror movie. The dog training job that I was pretty fucking excited about slipped through my hands and fell into the lap of someone "more experienced" yet again and I'm left with a dwindling paycheck and threadbare self-respect, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do now.
And I keep playing over and over the interview in my mind, thinking of all the moments, the dogs, the mistakes, the weeks worth of post-interview daydreaming about training service dogs and taking them on educational trips and whatnot.
I guess that I've been turned down for jobs before. Hell, even the Akron Children's Hospital is too good for me to even sweep their floors. I keep rolling over and over what I would like to do vs. where I'm at now.
I realize that I have so many daydreams about the way that things could be. If I'm applying to be a bar maid, I picture opening up my own bar and what it would be like, or for this most recent service dog trainer / office manager position, I imagined expanding to have therapy bunnies and elderly companion pomeranians and saving all of the good dogs who end up in the pound on their way to the needle. (or is it just a 22?)


It all is really starting to roll around faster - goats - mom - student loans - band - mom - - - - (repeat) It's like I never have time to stop it, but I always have time for staying in it.


I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about any more. ugh..... brain frozen.