I am steady. I am stable. I am calm.

I have stabilized. My breathing has returned to a normal, long full pulls of oxygen, filling entire lungs, belly, stinging the nose with the Ohio chill all the way through my blood and releasing into this beautiful calm.

Sometimes things are so fucked up for so long that they become normal. It's odd how getting beat up all the time can seem so everyday that when it stops happening, you wonder what's wrong. I guess that's why bones fuse together. The body has an amazing way of adapting to it's environment, no matter what it takes, and protecting itself in spite of the circumstances.

It took forever to stop checking my phone in the middle of the night. No one emails or calls me anymore. I have days off now. I have free time. When I leave work, I get to actually leave work. And I have plenty of money to buy things that I needed like glasses and a new car. I got one that's really good on gas so I don't burn through money and can save and plan for the future. I feel stable enough now, doing something I actually like for people who respect me.

After getting burned by two different wine people in quick succession, I thought -fuck wine.

And granted, it's a fickle business what's pretty catered to the upper class. But it is a craft and one that I've developed into appreciating the process of more than the final product. And when hunting for new jobs, I hated most of my other possibilities. As much as I love cooking, I do not want to be a cook. And day jobs with all the sitting around bore me terribly.

The transition was odd. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hit the ground running, caring for tanks like it was old hat but admittedly, I'm in completely new territory where I have nooooooo idea what I'm doing. I know Ohio grapes and some about east coast grapes, but Italian and Californian are completely foreign to me. You have to feed wine? Really? Why wouldn't it just ferment on it's merry little way and then give you a fun wrestling match with high acidity like Ohio grapes do? Why do you have to add tannins to already tannic varieties?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I  try to rely on my nose.

I've picked up a few things over the years, but I have no idea what to do with my sensory warning signs. But the great part about this new place is that I don't have to worry about it. I just get to sample tanks and be a little alarm when things are wrong. Then the other guys work through all the logistics and give me numbers of things to add to make the tank happy again.

I get to play with the most state of the art equipment out there. Punch down? Not necessary when all the red tanks are equipped with pumps that will recirculate the clear juice over the cap at intervals that the winemaker can program. I kinda miss sweating over all the tanks 3x a day. The pumps are whatever is the most gentle for the wine. The pressings are at low bars to not hurt the wine, and the whole production room is a stage for the customers to walk through, ask questions, engage in the process, and henceforth, buy more wine.

The things that I have picked up over the years of being an apprentice to a master as well as being a puppet to an unseen "god" have accumulated to my person like a ball of silly putty rolled across the floor. I am trying to sort it all out, look at each piece and try to make sense of it all. This new spectrum requires more reading to find out new terms and weigh them out in my own option such as sur lie, not that my learning about the methods will make them change, but just for my own questioning, hungry brain.

But my suggestions are heard and my muscle memory of certain tasks saves time and streamlines
production greatly. My boss is quick to say how he appreciates me and is trying to keep me happy and engaged. I am production room only with no one working under me. It's confining and freeing all at once. I just hope that they have enough to keep me busy year round.

But ever in motion, I have a greenhouse on the way, 30x72 feet for growing through the winter months as much as can be done in these harsh Ohio winters. I have 3 beers in the fermenters and my cider. meads and wines from last year are ready. I am making more music than I ever have and even went to an outdoor art and wine fest to perform this past month, which is something I never could have done at my old job. I am rounding out the end of yoga teacher training soon. I had today off to catch up on inventory with my mom. My serving job has been steady enough to hold me over through the transition and now I'm just wondering what's going to happen next. It's a nice kind of worry though, more eager than fear.

I cannot fathom how something I was clinging to so tightly that I was devastated when it was taken away from me actually was hurting and holding me back.