The past week has been rough. I go to work, get exhausted right after lunch, then come home and collapse. In fact, the past month.... or few months have been rough.
In November, I went in for an ultrasound and found my baby had stopped growing 4 weeks prior. One pill and a few super uncomfortable days later I bled and cried for a week.
Then in December, I woke up with a tickle in my throat and just to be safe, I called off work. But you can't just call off for one day with COVID so I went out and got a test, 3-5 days for the results right before Christmas and I imagined all the things I would get done in my quarantine time. The next day, I felt weaker, and by the third day my joints started seizing up with screaming pain. I tried to cancel Christmas with family, my brother was furious and still wanted a "normal" Christmas at his house with no masks. I declined and hunkered down with a very energetic 3 year old also in quarantine just to be safe. By day 4, the muscle aches started and all I could do was lay around. Day 5, my taste became dull and I could barely smell. I would chug coffee and eat Tylenol in the morning and hobble around to get to the basics before completely falling out in the afternoon.
Two weeks recovery was not long enough and searches online provided bleak outcomes for others recovering from the virus. Thankfully, no one else in my house tested positive, but they got quarantined as well so we all hung out watching Super Wings and doing a ton of art projects while I watched from the couch or went to bed. I made it my goal to drink all the tea in my giant tea drawer that was overflowing. I made it through about half before I had to go back to work.
My sick time was through and I got back to seeing clients, but I ached so bad I could barely move. I kept a heater by my chair and wore three layers and a scarf that doubled as a blanket. My appetite didn't come back, I couldn't taste anyway, and I kept chugging tea. I got down to the weird loose leaf green teas and the bagged ginger and kept going. I let the leaves bloom straight in the cup in hopes that some magic green tea energy would activate something in me that would stop aching so much.
My second week back at work the health dept came with the first round of the shot. I never want to get COVID again so while I may have been hesitant before, I definitely had decided to get it. But I read immunity and waiting and blah blah blah so I asked. They said it should be fine, but my reaction may be more severe since I just had COVID.
I felt so proud of myself for being brave. I didn't pass out. I barely cried. I just talked to co-workers, saw the head boss, chatted with the nurse that COVID tested me into a bloody nose, and I took my shot.
It took a few hours before the soreness really hit. The fatigue had clenched down on me by the evening, and the following day I woke up crying. My symptoms had come back with a vengeance. It felt like the worst of my COVID days when I was fighting the virus. I would go to work, limp through, and then go home and crash. I slept from right after work until the next day for work, waking up for an hour or so to eat dinner and then go back to sleep. And I wouldn't feel rested after, just tired and sore.
I think between the miscarriage and the corona, my body has aged 10+ years in just the past few months. I ache. I am winded walking up stairs. I worry when I wake up that something new will hurt. But I am so grateful at how healthy I am because there were times when I was trying to breathe that I thought -if this gets worse, I can see why people don't live. I could feel it. I am a mass of sinew and bone with skin stretched over as my brain pushes my flesh to turn the head, to move the fingers, to pull air into the lungs. I could feel the immune response and the attack as it would rest in one of my joints for a day, holding that joint captive in agony until migrating to a different joint or vertebrate in my upper or lower back. I try to feel the air as it passes through my windpipe, down into my lungs and I wonder if I'm getting enough carbon dioxide out in order to keep my brain functioning. I wonder if walking would tax this body to the point of breaking and I may pass out.
I take a lot of baths now. I try to relax or stretch, but nothing changes. So I cry a little, I let myself feel it and I let my mind wonder to -what if this never goes away. And then I set that thought down and walk away.
Spending 2 weeks at home and not going anywhere is not something I would have ever thought to do. That time helped me realize I need to take time to not do anything. I do wish I could have had that time off and not felt like a steaming pile of garbage, but maybe not being able to do anything was an extra vacation on top of not going to work. It was a way for me to forgive myself for not vacuuming or for learning every character on my kid's favorite show. It was ok for me to have all my projects that I started just sit there and not get finished.
I'm still recovering. I hope I'm on the mend. The pain is in my left shoulder and my right foot right now. Maybe in the morning it will have migrated and set up camp somewhere else. I am not sure how long I will feel this way. I do know that I hope that vaccine works cause I never want to feel this way again. Well, except for the second dose....... ugh.
