I am being transferred again.
I kinda knew my office wasn't that busy and the lead doc was kinda gutting what few staff we had. I kept jumping up and down in attempts to get my clients to show up, to trust me, to work with me, but most said they had a new counselor every few months so they weren't interested. Oh, I thought, -but I'm not going anywhere. HA! How naïve. I have been moved 5 different times in less than a year with this community nonprofit. I should have known better.
My supervisor told me during our weekly supervision that I was moving in one week and they did not have a counselor to transfer my caseload to. It seemed very haphazard and not thought out. I tried not to, but I cried.
The counseling relationship is one where you both establish trust. And now I was to just leave, some clients I wouldn't even have a chance to say goodbye to and that stung. I understand some things need to happen, but this seemed unnecessarily jarring and difficult to swallow.
I guess I could go into office politics now. I'm still trying to figure it out. I did not know that so many in the helping profession could be so different and at times toxic to one another. At times I feel like I'm just pretending to play doctor. Like it's not real because it's just a conversation. It's just me. And why the fuck would anyone want to sit down with me and chat. And how the fuck am I supposed to help them.
I enrolled myself in therapy. It's stuuuuuupid fucking expensive because my insurance does not take it and I'm worried I will know what she is going to say or she is not going to say anything helpful. At first, I thought it was to process my health issues lately, but now I can't sleep and my mind is racing from this work stuff and my boyfriend is tired of hearing about it.
I applied for other jobs but I don't feel comfortable leaving yet. There are still so many things that I do not know but need to learn. And -in these uncertain times... you know. It's hard to walk away from a sure thing.
Do you ever talk to someone and wonder if they are great or they are the problem? Or maybe there are so many broken parts that there is no one specific problem but everything is just broken and ductaped enough to make it work, but barely.
In good news, I held it together for the most part. I have learned to bite my tongue when I don't know who to trust. But it is not how I want to work. I wish I could be open and build something positive that would not keep me up at night. I wish I could speak my mind or collaborate instead of not know who to trust or what not to say.
I feel these waves of stress emotions that are overwhelming and I cannot let them go when I come home. I may fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night and can not shut my brain off. I keep going over different scenarios and wondering what I should say and how I should say it. I appreciate that my brain is in problem solving mode, but I really want to shut it off and get some rest.
So I guess now I'm taking my own advice- write things down. The difficulty is when I'm not sure what others are going to say, I expand the scenarios to these infinite amounts where I'm about to articulate perfectly what I want to say. ---but in reality, it doesn't really work like that.
