I am 4 months pregnant, still feeling the long haul, and I feel like a worm on the sidewalk drying out in the sun.
I keep thinking things will get better, but they stay the same. The muscle soreness is still there. The joint pain, brain fog, trouble climbing stairs without being winded.. all still there. I curl up in a ball on my bed most days and try not to cry. I wonder if I'll ever be normal again. I wonder if walking will be as effortless as it was in the past.
And I can't help but wonder if things would be better or worse if I still had my super physical job. Forced exercise may help strengthen, but if I collapse after a day when I work second floor, I cannot imagine pulling pumps and hoses from tank to tank, picking up case after case, scrubbing tanks, lifting barrels.
I was so sad after losing my last pregnancy that all I could think about was another one. Then I got COVID right around Christmas and thought -oh, I'll be over this in two weeks and be fine. Then the shot became available and I thought -oh, I should get this when it's available because I don't know when I will be able to have this offer again.
I'm not sure if the symptoms never subsided or got worse after each dose. Then I got pregnant so I guess all those infertility conspiracy theories are out the window based on my personal case study. The stress of the virus delayed my period after COVID so when I was late the next month, I assumed it was the vaccine. the tiredness got worse and then when I felt nauseous when brushing my teeth, I knew I needed to take a test.
I stopped therapy after 2 expensive sessions. I fucking know self care bullshit. I don't need someone telling me that I should take warm baths and do things to take care of myself. I fucking know that. This is different than that. This is a visceral hurt that is stressing my entire system. This is wondering if I'm annoying everyone by complaining of being sore constantly when they ask me why I'm curled up in a chair instead of doing something. I can't move.
I started eating an anti-inflammatory diet. It helps a bit with the joint pain, but not the breathing or brain fog and headaches. I'm second trimester so I got all excited when I read my energy should return. It's half there. My mind woke back up a bit, but my body still feels like a dried up worm.
My supervisor at work quit. Super mixed feelings about that. I know she was often frustrated. But now I have major fears of the unknown as she was the only supervisor I knew. My classmates had either great supervisors or horror stories. One of the horror stories may be my new supervisor.
So I'm still in limbo. I'm between two different programs in two different offices throughout the week and I'm not sure if I stayed at the one office to stay with my supervisor. I just want to do a good job. I feel more pressure at this job than I ever have before.
And then chuck some pregnancy hormones and irritability on top of all that stress and nerve pain and that's pretty much where I'm at right now. I have a super cute, nearly 4 year old that is the best part of my day. But some days when everything gets to me, I just isolate and cry.
I wonder what "better" looks like. I'm not saying ideal. But just better. I got a smart watch and a symptom tracker to see if there's any day to day change. But work stress is the icing on the shit cake right now. The good clients I have are the best parts of my day. The court ordered, non-compliant, shit clients who don't want to work or listen or even be there are the shit part of my day layered on top of feeling like a pile of garbage. And now I don't have the support of my supervisor, so I'm standing alone in a shit storm wondering how the fuck I got here and where to go now.
