Time goes by weirdly in sobriety. It has weight and density. It takes up space and energy. It feels like a responsibility and some days it’s great. Others, it’s fucking awful.
I just went through a pretty intense training at work and I’m still a bit disoriented from the whole thing. Part 1 was a few months ago and was amazing. I was able to connect different parts of things that were in my brain for better understanding and I felt strange for a week. Part two was kinda a wash, more just practice.
I don't know how to relax. I started drinking when I was 13, on and off until college. Then it was party hard one night, rest the next for a bit. Weekends were long and grueling, but so many laughs with friends. I don't remember where I was some nights. It's all kinda a blur.
I kept drinking a lot when I was around family functions, holidays, events, weddings, funerals, and fuck, towards the end there were few times when I wasn't heavily drinking. I remember having some beers before going to a church event. That was awkward as fuck but I kept thinking I should go out to the car to drink more to make it less awkward.
I'm at this weird point now where I'm happy with how I feel physically, mentally, emotionally. I just feel a bit distant. Like I'm not "fun." I don't know how to have fun. I catch myself sometimes almost having fun but then the wind goes out of the sails and I'm kinda just back down again.
This training was the same way. I felt like I found my calling, like it meant something. But then part two happened and I was less so. It felt like fucking work. It felt like it didn't make sense anymore. I felt like I was back not knowing what I'm doing. Ugh. Time is going so slowly.
