My dog died. A quick but terrible death.
There’s something about quick and bloody deaths that really stick with you. The moment replays over and over like a gory loop of helpless that you cannot stop. It feels like time is flying in the moment but then it stops and repeats like a squeaky tennis shoe. Squeak, step, squeak, step, over and over.
Work is ungodly hell right now. The workload is unbearable. I cannot collect my thoughts. I have too many things swirling around in my brain at all times and I can’t catch a break to catch a breath. I’m drowning. Day and day again.
It’s funny cause for all the altruism that gets someone into the helping field, it all gets beat out of you one wah or another. Another lie. Another broken story. Another no call no show. Another productivity email. Repeat. Add in a squeaky shoe on squeak, step, squeak, and there is no rest. There is no break. Even days off are too short and the people and the stories stick with you. The forgotten notes or to remember lists or progress reports that need sent are neeeeeever ending.
And then a fucking coworker was mean as hell, trying to be funny at the end of a long day and I just about lost it. My brain is already so full my head is splitting and aching so the last ducking thing I need is a snarky ass coworker hopped up on anger and altruism and burnout that she thinks it’s fucking funny to shred me. And it sucks because while she’s mad at others, I always was nothing but nice to her. So when she turned on me, I was shocked. I guess I shouldn’t be but when I’m dodging lies and people trying to get what they want all day long while trying to maintain productivity, the last fucking thing I need at the end of the day is someone being snarky who should be on my team.
I gave away my class. Tonight was my last night. I love teaching but I’m done. I’m spent. It’s too much. I can’t chase cats anymore. I can’t get my dog dying out of my already fucking full head. Squeak. Step. Repeat. And all I want to do is rub her little face and tell her I do love her, even on the most annoying days. I do love her. I did love her. Even when I was so angry at the dumb shit she did. I did love her. She did love me all the time. Even when she would stare at me and pee on my bed right in front of me.
I got to get my head right. I can’t keep up like how I am much longer. Idk how people do this long term. My brain is full. And I don’t have time for any of this other shit.
