Church Loss

 It's the quiet light blue time just before the dawn where the crickets and cicadas are the only ones up and causing a racket. The slow swoosh of the Sunday early morning cars is quiet and they don't even hint at a hurry. I am awake, struggling to quiet my mind and I realized there is an overwhelming grief I cannot shake. 

After 2020, I was very hesitant to go back to church. The loudest voices of those who opposed my viewpoints on the whole -do something that minimizes risk to others- seemed to be from church goers. I'm not sure if that's just because they like opposition or believed the right-wing rhetoric or don't like being told what to do or what. But it was frustrating that people who are supposed to be all about God could be so hateful and not care about others. So it left a bad taste in my mouth about the church

But then I thought about raising kids up in the church and I want a community, so I started to pack the kids up and go. 
I loved the people. I loved the slow pace and talking, sharing about everyone's week, coffee, and seeing my family. The kids loved having somewhere to go and look forward to, kids to play with, and the music. The energy was lively and friendly and welcoming. 

But then the pastor retired. An interim pastor came in, ok, everyone still in good spirits. But then they hired a pastor and everything started to sour. 

I don't know how churches work. I know I show up and people smile and everything seems fine. But everything didn't seem fine. The sermons were fine. The congregation wasn't. The community felt off. And people slowly trickled away. My friends were leaving. My brother came less and less. And my motivation to get out of bed on one of my two days off per week waned. 

I can pray anywhere. I feel more connected to God while sitting in the middle of a forest or floating down a river. I go to church for the community and to feel connected with others. And that was slowly eroding away. 

When my parents left, it was a shock that I didn't think I could feel. They had been going to that church since I was young. They loved the people. But something was off. They spoke up but were pushed aside so they left. 

I didn't know I could experience this weird, confused grief for a place or a time. It's kinda like college when it's over but you know from the start that college isn't going to last forever. You look bad, yup, good times but now what. This is more like feeling completely lost. And the people I saw there, the friendly faces who I grew up with all kinda scattered to different churches. And now I'm left not sure what to do. Starting over feels like too much. And I've church shopped enough to know what I like and I don't like. My parents picked a baptist church that my sister goes to. Uh, that's a no for me. I do not need hellfire threats and dichotomous thinking to keep me looking to the Lord. 

I feel alone again. Not like I don't have family, but that's different. A lot of people are quitting at work. It sucks. Makes me question what's next. 

Now what

 There is this intense feeling of pressure and weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe most days. I don't drink anymore, but I think this is one of the reasons why I would before. It's like the atmosphere is too dense, like I'm swimming and I can barely breathe. Maybe it's humidity is so high that I can feel the water droplets or the barometric pressure. 

I'm trying to figure out how to brain dump in order to relax and calm down. I carry weight of the most difficult cases right now that I find at the end of the day, my brain cannot process any more information. I'm so "on" all the time, listening and inquiring, curious for hours on end and when I have back-to-back to back cases, the pressure in my chest and my throat gets worse.

I don't fear work anymore like I used to. I'm calm when I'm there as long as someone is in front of me. It's the extra stuff that makes me crawl the walls. 

Someone recently said I'm never happy, no matter what I do. That hurt. I feel this intense push forward to keep going, learning, be better than yesterday. But I can see where that may seem exhausting to someone on the outside. I'm constantly questioning the state of things and why they are how they are and how to improve them. Usually, I'm within the confines of someone else's vision and all I see are the flaws. 

I know I need to get back in the dirt. I know I need to find a way to stay active and learning but not day after day with the same repeat at work, but I'm not sure how I can balance that with bills and house and child care and and and the pressure comes back. 

I've been trying to focus on no buy challenges or budgeting, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that all that goes out the window and I say -fuck it- and go down some rabbit hole that I think is going to make me feel better. Right now, I want a cuckoo clock. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't remember what it was last week, maybe custom leather bags or the perfect tshirt. Some magical thing that is going to make me feel better or at least ok... until I look at my bank account and I fucked my budget again. 

I can't. I'm frustrated and stuck. Gotta take the dog to the vet, clean out the basement, put away laundry, spend time with family, meal prep, be a good mom, a good daughter, a good partner, a good employee. 
I wonder if I hit the limits of my brain. Like I've found the max cap that I can hold and I'm just riding the line most days to try to make it through. And I don't know how to cut back, or maybe I do but I'm too scared to take the jump. 

I think the spending is self-sabotaging to keep me where I am. Fuck. I hate journaling and putting things together. Cause then I get stuck with the -now what?