There is this intense feeling of pressure and weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe most days. I don't drink anymore, but I think this is one of the reasons why I would before. It's like the atmosphere is too dense, like I'm swimming and I can barely breathe. Maybe it's humidity is so high that I can feel the water droplets or the barometric pressure.
I'm trying to figure out how to brain dump in order to relax and calm down. I carry weight of the most difficult cases right now that I find at the end of the day, my brain cannot process any more information. I'm so "on" all the time, listening and inquiring, curious for hours on end and when I have back-to-back to back cases, the pressure in my chest and my throat gets worse.
I don't fear work anymore like I used to. I'm calm when I'm there as long as someone is in front of me. It's the extra stuff that makes me crawl the walls.
Someone recently said I'm never happy, no matter what I do. That hurt. I feel this intense push forward to keep going, learning, be better than yesterday. But I can see where that may seem exhausting to someone on the outside. I'm constantly questioning the state of things and why they are how they are and how to improve them. Usually, I'm within the confines of someone else's vision and all I see are the flaws.
I know I need to get back in the dirt. I know I need to find a way to stay active and learning but not day after day with the same repeat at work, but I'm not sure how I can balance that with bills and house and child care and and and the pressure comes back.
I've been trying to focus on no buy challenges or budgeting, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that all that goes out the window and I say -fuck it- and go down some rabbit hole that I think is going to make me feel better. Right now, I want a cuckoo clock. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't remember what it was last week, maybe custom leather bags or the perfect tshirt. Some magical thing that is going to make me feel better or at least ok... until I look at my bank account and I fucked my budget again.
I can't. I'm frustrated and stuck. Gotta take the dog to the vet, clean out the basement, put away laundry, spend time with family, meal prep, be a good mom, a good daughter, a good partner, a good employee.
I wonder if I hit the limits of my brain. Like I've found the max cap that I can hold and I'm just riding the line most days to try to make it through. And I don't know how to cut back, or maybe I do but I'm too scared to take the jump.
I think the spending is self-sabotaging to keep me where I am. Fuck. I hate journaling and putting things together. Cause then I get stuck with the -now what?
