It's the quiet light blue time just before the dawn where the crickets and cicadas are the only ones up and causing a racket. The slow swoosh of the Sunday early morning cars is quiet and they don't even hint at a hurry. I am awake, struggling to quiet my mind and I realized there is an overwhelming grief I cannot shake.
After 2020, I was very hesitant to go back to church. The loudest voices of those who opposed my viewpoints on the whole -do something that minimizes risk to others- seemed to be from church goers. I'm not sure if that's just because they like opposition or believed the right-wing rhetoric or don't like being told what to do or what. But it was frustrating that people who are supposed to be all about God could be so hateful and not care about others. So it left a bad taste in my mouth about the church
But then I thought about raising kids up in the church and I want a community, so I started to pack the kids up and go.
I loved the people. I loved the slow pace and talking, sharing about everyone's week, coffee, and seeing my family. The kids loved having somewhere to go and look forward to, kids to play with, and the music. The energy was lively and friendly and welcoming.
But then the pastor retired. An interim pastor came in, ok, everyone still in good spirits. But then they hired a pastor and everything started to sour.
I don't know how churches work. I know I show up and people smile and everything seems fine. But everything didn't seem fine. The sermons were fine. The congregation wasn't. The community felt off. And people slowly trickled away. My friends were leaving. My brother came less and less. And my motivation to get out of bed on one of my two days off per week waned.
I can pray anywhere. I feel more connected to God while sitting in the middle of a forest or floating down a river. I go to church for the community and to feel connected with others. And that was slowly eroding away.
When my parents left, it was a shock that I didn't think I could feel. They had been going to that church since I was young. They loved the people. But something was off. They spoke up but were pushed aside so they left.
I didn't know I could experience this weird, confused grief for a place or a time. It's kinda like college when it's over but you know from the start that college isn't going to last forever. You look bad, yup, good times but now what. This is more like feeling completely lost. And the people I saw there, the friendly faces who I grew up with all kinda scattered to different churches. And now I'm left not sure what to do. Starting over feels like too much. And I've church shopped enough to know what I like and I don't like. My parents picked a baptist church that my sister goes to. Uh, that's a no for me. I do not need hellfire threats and dichotomous thinking to keep me looking to the Lord.
I feel alone again. Not like I don't have family, but that's different. A lot of people are quitting at work. It sucks. Makes me question what's next.
