I feel like so many days are slipping by without proper documentation of their events. It seems that I'm too busy going on adventures to sit down and write about them. This is terrible because I have one of the worst memories ever. I forget things that happened just a few weeks ago, how I felt at a certain moment, how I'm "never going to do ____ again!" and end up making the same mistakes over and over again.
So I'll work backwards from today in hopes to nestle my experiences onto this corner of the internet, and maybe by writing it again, I might retain a bit in my brain as well.
Today my brother is home. He just got back from Spain... and the cuture shock is pretty tough to take for him. He's taking a siesta on the couch right now, which sounds really good. We just ate Chinese buffet after thrifting. He's going to be around for 3 whole weeks. Wow. That's more than he hung out with us this past winter at Christmas. He went with me up to trade a turkey for a goat this morning and we took my possibly pregnant cat over to get fixed. He's a lot nicer now and not soooo engrossed in philosophy that he can't see his own hand in front of his face.
My eyes are burning and I want to take a nap now.... oh well. i'll try writing more later.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Terrified
So yesterday was the first day of deliveries for the CSA for this year. It was disappointing to say the least. I just had that sinking suspicion all night of my inadequacies; not enough lettuce, not sure where I'm going, the watercress was wilting... etc. With little sleep from the previous two nights of camping and seeing a show until midnight the night before, I went out with my little snippers in hand to harvest some watercress and pull up the lettuce. Jason was going to dig the radishes later and that was pretty much all we had. The strawberries were not ripe. The asparagus was eaten by beetles. The rhubarb wasn't bad, but few people know how to eat it.
We threw together the baskets in grandma's basement, putting a bag of lettuce, some loose watercress and a few radishes in each. I probably wouldn't have paid more than 2 dollars for it at any store. I was a bit frustrated and not exactly in the best mood for the deliveries.
I printed out the directions in a hurry the night before and I had made it so that we were going from one side of town to the other and then back again, crossing paths and back tracking everywhere. They took soooooo long and were really drawn out. The watercress immediately wilted. The radishes looked sad and I was snapping at Jason.
I'm a fucking idiot for starting it the first week in June. I think that I just forgot how everything takes so long in the spring to wake up. We also got the peas in the ground way too late and didn't even start any beets. I do have quite a few cabbages, but I have no idea when those will head up. Our cukes have yet to sprout. Our chard is barely up. We're looking at lettuce baskets for the next three weeks.
I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but I feel this unending pressure right now of fulfilling so many expectations with so many different factors that I cannot control.
So I guess that I'm going down to the store and picking up supplimental supplies for the 18 people who are coming out to pick up their baskets and I've got to smile and show off the gardens, which are looking so tiny and underplanted right now. I went to the greenhouse and bought a bunch more plants, hoping that it won't look like we're terribly unprepared. But I think we are. And there is little if anything I can do right now to stop the boulder that is pummelling down my way right now. Nothing that I plant today will be ready by tomorrow. And I've fitted myself all too well in the organic lifestyle that scourns using chemicals to speed up harvest.
Everything in it's own time... but it's never fast enough or good enough for now.
We threw together the baskets in grandma's basement, putting a bag of lettuce, some loose watercress and a few radishes in each. I probably wouldn't have paid more than 2 dollars for it at any store. I was a bit frustrated and not exactly in the best mood for the deliveries.
I printed out the directions in a hurry the night before and I had made it so that we were going from one side of town to the other and then back again, crossing paths and back tracking everywhere. They took soooooo long and were really drawn out. The watercress immediately wilted. The radishes looked sad and I was snapping at Jason.
I'm a fucking idiot for starting it the first week in June. I think that I just forgot how everything takes so long in the spring to wake up. We also got the peas in the ground way too late and didn't even start any beets. I do have quite a few cabbages, but I have no idea when those will head up. Our cukes have yet to sprout. Our chard is barely up. We're looking at lettuce baskets for the next three weeks.
I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but I feel this unending pressure right now of fulfilling so many expectations with so many different factors that I cannot control.
So I guess that I'm going down to the store and picking up supplimental supplies for the 18 people who are coming out to pick up their baskets and I've got to smile and show off the gardens, which are looking so tiny and underplanted right now. I went to the greenhouse and bought a bunch more plants, hoping that it won't look like we're terribly unprepared. But I think we are. And there is little if anything I can do right now to stop the boulder that is pummelling down my way right now. Nothing that I plant today will be ready by tomorrow. And I've fitted myself all too well in the organic lifestyle that scourns using chemicals to speed up harvest.
Everything in it's own time... but it's never fast enough or good enough for now.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
spring cleaning is back breaking
Today was gorgeous. It was one of those spring days before it's really spring, where you're teased into thinking that the weather is going to be beautiful and your winter coat can start hiding in the back of your closet. It's also one of those days where while checking my bank account, I really wish that it said something else. I guess it's optimism that kills me. Or maybe it was that overdraft protection up to three thousand dollars that only has $14.82 to go. I've never maxed out a credit card... but I guess there's a first for everything.
Anyway, it was my day off and I spent almost every second of it outside... well, after I got out of bed. This morning was beautiful, with a thunderstorm rolling overhead, I just curled up with a purring cat and a jealous dog and slept until I couldn't sleep any more.
I've been on a huge ebay kick lately. Not just buying, but trying to sell things as well. I'm not as successful as I would like. I've only sold one wreath and one light thing, oh, and a gift certificate that I'd never use. I've bought waaaay more than that including a few cranberry bushes, some mushroom grow kits, quail eggs... again, some blue spruce trees, a rose bush, a fig tree and so on and so on. Jason got the ebay bug and when i got outbid on some emu eggs, he picked up the torch and ran with it... and won. They are in my dining room right now in a beer cooler turned incubator.
and i've lost my motivation for yet another post. it's someone in between my parents yelling at eachother and me wondering if it's time to go to sleep yet or not....
Anyway, it was my day off and I spent almost every second of it outside... well, after I got out of bed. This morning was beautiful, with a thunderstorm rolling overhead, I just curled up with a purring cat and a jealous dog and slept until I couldn't sleep any more.
I've been on a huge ebay kick lately. Not just buying, but trying to sell things as well. I'm not as successful as I would like. I've only sold one wreath and one light thing, oh, and a gift certificate that I'd never use. I've bought waaaay more than that including a few cranberry bushes, some mushroom grow kits, quail eggs... again, some blue spruce trees, a rose bush, a fig tree and so on and so on. Jason got the ebay bug and when i got outbid on some emu eggs, he picked up the torch and ran with it... and won. They are in my dining room right now in a beer cooler turned incubator.
and i've lost my motivation for yet another post. it's someone in between my parents yelling at eachother and me wondering if it's time to go to sleep yet or not....
Thursday, January 3, 2008
pacing in time
so i'm finally by myself for the first time in weeks. it's strange. there is a rattling around in my brain and the dog on my lap is barking at some phantom standing in the dark and cold just outside the window. i'm pacing back and forth between the kitchen, the piano and the computer. i'm stuck in a rut.
i drink some tea. just ate some soup. my feet are frozen. i finished billing for my dad. i'm looking forward to getting my shit together in 2008. i'm not one for new years resolution, but the fiscal year and all that has got me tracking expenses and saving receipts.
i tried to help my dad this morning with sending out invoices and estimates for his new company... which had zero revenue in 2007. it's funny. i'm cleaning out his desk, trying to organize and he's picking things out of the trash that he had meant to fix a year or two ago but never got to it. broken remote controls are shoved in with chocolate bars and football rookie cards with business cards and sticky notes to remember this or that.
but for most of the day, i was in the best mood after waking up with 8 full hours of beautiful sleep. and then in my warm bed (or should i say, my bed warmed by my new, amazing mattress warmer) i didn't want to move, so i grabbed a book and read for an hour with a purring kitten nestled beside me, hiding from the morning.
it's bitter cold here and i swear that the snow forming is just air molecules that huddled together to keep warm and instead turned into tiny pieces of ice. i feel like i'm shivering all the time now, just in little bursts here or there.
i'm looking for writing jobs online. but i only check once and awhile so i always seem to be too early or too late for whatever i'm looking for. i think that i should just bite the bullet and do what i've been planning on doing since i was 15... write that damn book.
but then again, i don't know how people do it. how can they focus with so many distractions? and even if you can focus, how can you both have time and energy and enough money to keep your head above water.
i guess it's ok. i'm back on multivitamins and checking how many hours i waste away in sleep. i'm happy that i don't have a television. i feel like there are too many other things that are soaking up time that i don't need a thief to steal my time away as well.
and the more time that goes on, the more it's a battle to drag myself out of my room these days. i know that i should go out and i know that once i'm out, i'm ok... but i'd much rather just stay in my slippers, pacing about from the piano to the computer to the kitchen then go somewhere that i have to spend money or i can't just fall asleep whenever i get sleepy.
and my addiction to sweets and run on sentences with fragmented thoughts grows by the day. perhaps that is why i shiver and shake, just the insulin in my body dancing with the sugar and working its way through my veins.
in any case, it's cold and quiet and i can't stop writing the same song over and over again. it's like my fingers keep hitting the notes as though i'm typing the same word over and over and over again and i can't change or stop. so i sit down and try to trick myself into striking different chords, but no matter how hard i try, it never sounds right.
and i'm sad there has been no band practice since our last show and the hope for band practice in the future keeps dwindling. norm might move out of state, which is fine. i just wish that he would tell me so that i don't keep wasting my time.
ok, i'm going to finish this emotional word vomit and kick my ass out into the streets for a night of sparks and hanging out with jason's ex. wohoo!
i drink some tea. just ate some soup. my feet are frozen. i finished billing for my dad. i'm looking forward to getting my shit together in 2008. i'm not one for new years resolution, but the fiscal year and all that has got me tracking expenses and saving receipts.
i tried to help my dad this morning with sending out invoices and estimates for his new company... which had zero revenue in 2007. it's funny. i'm cleaning out his desk, trying to organize and he's picking things out of the trash that he had meant to fix a year or two ago but never got to it. broken remote controls are shoved in with chocolate bars and football rookie cards with business cards and sticky notes to remember this or that.
but for most of the day, i was in the best mood after waking up with 8 full hours of beautiful sleep. and then in my warm bed (or should i say, my bed warmed by my new, amazing mattress warmer) i didn't want to move, so i grabbed a book and read for an hour with a purring kitten nestled beside me, hiding from the morning.
it's bitter cold here and i swear that the snow forming is just air molecules that huddled together to keep warm and instead turned into tiny pieces of ice. i feel like i'm shivering all the time now, just in little bursts here or there.
i'm looking for writing jobs online. but i only check once and awhile so i always seem to be too early or too late for whatever i'm looking for. i think that i should just bite the bullet and do what i've been planning on doing since i was 15... write that damn book.
but then again, i don't know how people do it. how can they focus with so many distractions? and even if you can focus, how can you both have time and energy and enough money to keep your head above water.
i guess it's ok. i'm back on multivitamins and checking how many hours i waste away in sleep. i'm happy that i don't have a television. i feel like there are too many other things that are soaking up time that i don't need a thief to steal my time away as well.
and the more time that goes on, the more it's a battle to drag myself out of my room these days. i know that i should go out and i know that once i'm out, i'm ok... but i'd much rather just stay in my slippers, pacing about from the piano to the computer to the kitchen then go somewhere that i have to spend money or i can't just fall asleep whenever i get sleepy.
and my addiction to sweets and run on sentences with fragmented thoughts grows by the day. perhaps that is why i shiver and shake, just the insulin in my body dancing with the sugar and working its way through my veins.
in any case, it's cold and quiet and i can't stop writing the same song over and over again. it's like my fingers keep hitting the notes as though i'm typing the same word over and over and over again and i can't change or stop. so i sit down and try to trick myself into striking different chords, but no matter how hard i try, it never sounds right.
and i'm sad there has been no band practice since our last show and the hope for band practice in the future keeps dwindling. norm might move out of state, which is fine. i just wish that he would tell me so that i don't keep wasting my time.
ok, i'm going to finish this emotional word vomit and kick my ass out into the streets for a night of sparks and hanging out with jason's ex. wohoo!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
i hate fine china.
So it's the holidays again. I guess. Not yet, but I've been doing enough festive stuff that I feel like I'm living three Christmas's over and over and over. At work, we're decorating trees. At home, mom is yelling at dad about grandpa and thanksgiving dinner. A few weeks ago, she said that she wanted to skip thanksgiving this year and go for a hike. She didn't want a turkey, she just wanted to go somewhere for the day. Sounds nice, but I haven't been raising turkeys for nine months not to eat one nor to celebrate, quite possibly my favorite holiday. So after listening to Jason's stories about three turkeys, a million cousins and uncles with kids, his mother baking and cooking and laughing and drinking all day, and his grandmother getting sauced up and telling crazy stories about homeland Austria... I think that sounds a little bit better than my mom freaking out the whole holiday, eating off of china that no one wants to wash, and my grandma saying something really funny that my mom gets totally offended by and storms out.
last thanksgiving was almost classic. Preston watched the killing of Doug the turkey the night before. He was supposed to take pictures. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. But it was Jason's first time killing anything and he didn't tie the rope very tight and while Doug was being bled out, flopping around bleeding, he fell into the creek, Jason jumped in after him, and he was still flopping so he took a log and smashed his head off. Not exactly pretty, but once the blood was washed off and we had a pretty darn nice looking bird being cleaned in the sink, we all could laugh about it. All but preston and mom did not laugh.
It was the most awkward dinner ever. But then again, dad broke open a little bit of wine and we got a little giggly. Mom didn't because she didn't want grandpa to think that she was a bit of a drinker, so she just had that sour look on her face as she tried to make conversation without stating the elephant in the room... that no one wanted to eat Doug. And then Jason, dad and I just started calling him Doug and saying "Doug is delicious" and "please pass the Doug" and I'm not sure why I love this story so much or why I feel the need to tell it a million times, but it's funny to me.
In an ideal world, I'd love to have thanksgiving with all the family, even my late uncle's wife and step kids and their kids and cook and laugh and drink and make fun of grandma and watch her laugh and eat off of paper plates and then take a nap and build a fire and play games and invite all my friends who have thanksgiving so far away. I'd eat another doug or two and stuff him with home grown garlic and onions and have cranberry sauce even though I never actually like it but I try it anyway and mashed potatoes that take a lot longer to make then they do to eat.
I think the holidays are beautiful and I will try to stay positive. All I know is this holiday, I am going to be "Jason's girlfriend" and play in his mother's awesome big kitchen, cooking for a million people that I don't know but who are actually grateful. And I hope to god we don't eat off of china.
last thanksgiving was almost classic. Preston watched the killing of Doug the turkey the night before. He was supposed to take pictures. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. But it was Jason's first time killing anything and he didn't tie the rope very tight and while Doug was being bled out, flopping around bleeding, he fell into the creek, Jason jumped in after him, and he was still flopping so he took a log and smashed his head off. Not exactly pretty, but once the blood was washed off and we had a pretty darn nice looking bird being cleaned in the sink, we all could laugh about it. All but preston and mom did not laugh.
It was the most awkward dinner ever. But then again, dad broke open a little bit of wine and we got a little giggly. Mom didn't because she didn't want grandpa to think that she was a bit of a drinker, so she just had that sour look on her face as she tried to make conversation without stating the elephant in the room... that no one wanted to eat Doug. And then Jason, dad and I just started calling him Doug and saying "Doug is delicious" and "please pass the Doug" and I'm not sure why I love this story so much or why I feel the need to tell it a million times, but it's funny to me.
In an ideal world, I'd love to have thanksgiving with all the family, even my late uncle's wife and step kids and their kids and cook and laugh and drink and make fun of grandma and watch her laugh and eat off of paper plates and then take a nap and build a fire and play games and invite all my friends who have thanksgiving so far away. I'd eat another doug or two and stuff him with home grown garlic and onions and have cranberry sauce even though I never actually like it but I try it anyway and mashed potatoes that take a lot longer to make then they do to eat.
I think the holidays are beautiful and I will try to stay positive. All I know is this holiday, I am going to be "Jason's girlfriend" and play in his mother's awesome big kitchen, cooking for a million people that I don't know but who are actually grateful. And I hope to god we don't eat off of china.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
first snow.
it's cold. my fingers have that numbing feeling where you can tell that the blood is having a hard time pumping through the veins. i'm tire, but i've been up for hours. today is my day off. not that my days on are all that stressful, but today i'm work free. and i've got a million things to do.
first thing on my list is to take back all the prizes for the pie bake off. jason and my mom won. i was the only other pie that entered. people came out to taste test, mostly friends and a couple of people that have been peering on my website. a lot of people emailed and called. no one actually came out based on the $50 worth in advertising i did with the local paper. i did get more hits on the website, but that was pretty much it.
and i'm having a tough time right now, despite jason's attempts at cheering me up by saying that he had a wonderful time. i'm becoming disillusioned in the glassy eyed way of slow realizations and multiple failed attempts. i guess it's odd because even in b.g. when i tried to get something together, it worked. i had a bustling knitting group with new members coming and going all the time in a coffee house that loved us so much we got free pastries. and publications that came out every couple of months that people loved as i handed them out in the streets.
and now i'm questioning my lifestyle shift and if it is where i want to be at this point in my life. i guess the chickens as an impulse buy was fun and i love my ladies, but something keeps getting into my chicken house and eating them... or sometimes just half of them. yuck. all my ducks disappeared but one. my goat tried to headbutt me. my turks aren't selling. and my pool is a terrible shrimp pond.
i'm having dreams of working in a vineyard in tuscany. it's beautiful, just me under the supervision of some amazing old woman who knows all the secrets of her grapes and how to make the best wine and cheese and breads. i have friends and little stress and no student loans or libraries to send me to collections.
my grandmother is in the hospital. i hung out with her and watched the browns game. the next day her health turned and i'm not allowed to go see her yet. i don't know what is wrong or how she's doing or anything. it's depressing.
and my mom keeps asking what i want for christmas. if i stay here, i'd like some rugs for my terribly cold floor in the house that is forever unfinished. but what i really want is some good running shoes and a full tank of gas to get me somewhere... a place where i can finish a renovated house, have a successful shrimp harvest, sell all my turkeys, and have the best damn pie bake off that the whole community comes out to see.
i tried to go out with friends last night. it kinda cheered me up. there is this boy matt that both bethani and norman are in love with. the whole night was kinda funny watching the way that both of them interact with him. he is rather charismatic and chatty and fun, but the way that they both vie for his attention is hilarious. we saw a girl that reminded me of a bit of val, only with a less beautifully unique voice. she sang songs about love in three four time and about leaving and whatnot. it sounded like she was the most normal person in the world the way that A + B always equaled C in her songs. I chatted with her a bit, trying to hold my sarcastic tongue just long enough to offend her only once and mention Ashley Judd's boobs only one time... and it was tough to get it down to that. Then we went to my favorite dive bar in Akron and i kinda fell in love with the little mini-city. Granted, i would get sick of it much faster that toledo (one year) but it was so nice to get away from thinking about dead chickens and failing endeavors.
in any case, i'm hoping to start writing again. i'm not sure if it's going to be a book about chickens or not. i recently read an article about a woman who has a horse rescue stable in southern ohio and you could tell in the tone that she was tired as a woman in a loveless marriage with no hope of divorce in sight. she kinda droned on about how some days are better than others and one time she was in love with a horse but he's long gone. i guess maybe our lifetime is so much longer than those we love some times that it's almost a pain to keep going. like watching dog after dog die. it's tough to get a new puppy.
maybe we should all keep tortoises as pets. they'll outlive us all.
and jason is out of town during the week now. it's nice that he's making money and doing what he loves and i kinda like the freedom of not having to be home all the time or him wondering why i don't invite him when i go out. my weeks are mine again and my house is clean and i get to see my friends on any given night and sometimes i'm scared and lonely and terribly bored, but it's not too bad. my beer lasts a lot longer too. i stare at my fish tank. and it will be nice to have him actually bringing money in by doing something that he is good at. i hope that he can save it and put it towards something better than this. i'm kinda disillusioned at that as well though. he never pays his bills; student or medical or phone. he just got out of living at a place where he didn't have to pay rent and he still didn't save any money. all his stuff is at my house. i like it when he comes back, but in the back of my brain, i'm picking everything apart.
i guess that's why i can't stay in relationships. ever. i just pick everything apart and only see the bad. but i think it's also the winter blues setting in. that and the fact that he set up this thing where the turks have free local delivery, but since he got this job, he can't deliver... which means it's all up to me now.
maybe i kinda feel like i get stuck taking care of everything. or maybe it's that everything taking care of me. i don't know. i just think that the days are getting shorter and i'm pissed off and my chickens are dying and mingah keeps dragging them from their resting places after they've been there three weeks which is completely disgusting and i wake up to her munching on their heads. i scream. i yell. i tell her how gross that is, but she still does it. and as long as my chickens keep dying, she's going to have plenty of new chew toys and i'm going to be chasing her around with a shovel, screaming.
ok, i'm done ranting. i wish i had friends here to talk to. i think the maturity level lends more to me taking care of them rather than a mutual friendship where i can talk about how i'm doing without them listening while thinking about what they are going to say next. i guess i wouldn't know what to say to me either. so maybe i don't blame them.
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.
first thing on my list is to take back all the prizes for the pie bake off. jason and my mom won. i was the only other pie that entered. people came out to taste test, mostly friends and a couple of people that have been peering on my website. a lot of people emailed and called. no one actually came out based on the $50 worth in advertising i did with the local paper. i did get more hits on the website, but that was pretty much it.
and i'm having a tough time right now, despite jason's attempts at cheering me up by saying that he had a wonderful time. i'm becoming disillusioned in the glassy eyed way of slow realizations and multiple failed attempts. i guess it's odd because even in b.g. when i tried to get something together, it worked. i had a bustling knitting group with new members coming and going all the time in a coffee house that loved us so much we got free pastries. and publications that came out every couple of months that people loved as i handed them out in the streets.
and now i'm questioning my lifestyle shift and if it is where i want to be at this point in my life. i guess the chickens as an impulse buy was fun and i love my ladies, but something keeps getting into my chicken house and eating them... or sometimes just half of them. yuck. all my ducks disappeared but one. my goat tried to headbutt me. my turks aren't selling. and my pool is a terrible shrimp pond.
i'm having dreams of working in a vineyard in tuscany. it's beautiful, just me under the supervision of some amazing old woman who knows all the secrets of her grapes and how to make the best wine and cheese and breads. i have friends and little stress and no student loans or libraries to send me to collections.
my grandmother is in the hospital. i hung out with her and watched the browns game. the next day her health turned and i'm not allowed to go see her yet. i don't know what is wrong or how she's doing or anything. it's depressing.
and my mom keeps asking what i want for christmas. if i stay here, i'd like some rugs for my terribly cold floor in the house that is forever unfinished. but what i really want is some good running shoes and a full tank of gas to get me somewhere... a place where i can finish a renovated house, have a successful shrimp harvest, sell all my turkeys, and have the best damn pie bake off that the whole community comes out to see.
i tried to go out with friends last night. it kinda cheered me up. there is this boy matt that both bethani and norman are in love with. the whole night was kinda funny watching the way that both of them interact with him. he is rather charismatic and chatty and fun, but the way that they both vie for his attention is hilarious. we saw a girl that reminded me of a bit of val, only with a less beautifully unique voice. she sang songs about love in three four time and about leaving and whatnot. it sounded like she was the most normal person in the world the way that A + B always equaled C in her songs. I chatted with her a bit, trying to hold my sarcastic tongue just long enough to offend her only once and mention Ashley Judd's boobs only one time... and it was tough to get it down to that. Then we went to my favorite dive bar in Akron and i kinda fell in love with the little mini-city. Granted, i would get sick of it much faster that toledo (one year) but it was so nice to get away from thinking about dead chickens and failing endeavors.
in any case, i'm hoping to start writing again. i'm not sure if it's going to be a book about chickens or not. i recently read an article about a woman who has a horse rescue stable in southern ohio and you could tell in the tone that she was tired as a woman in a loveless marriage with no hope of divorce in sight. she kinda droned on about how some days are better than others and one time she was in love with a horse but he's long gone. i guess maybe our lifetime is so much longer than those we love some times that it's almost a pain to keep going. like watching dog after dog die. it's tough to get a new puppy.
maybe we should all keep tortoises as pets. they'll outlive us all.
and jason is out of town during the week now. it's nice that he's making money and doing what he loves and i kinda like the freedom of not having to be home all the time or him wondering why i don't invite him when i go out. my weeks are mine again and my house is clean and i get to see my friends on any given night and sometimes i'm scared and lonely and terribly bored, but it's not too bad. my beer lasts a lot longer too. i stare at my fish tank. and it will be nice to have him actually bringing money in by doing something that he is good at. i hope that he can save it and put it towards something better than this. i'm kinda disillusioned at that as well though. he never pays his bills; student or medical or phone. he just got out of living at a place where he didn't have to pay rent and he still didn't save any money. all his stuff is at my house. i like it when he comes back, but in the back of my brain, i'm picking everything apart.
i guess that's why i can't stay in relationships. ever. i just pick everything apart and only see the bad. but i think it's also the winter blues setting in. that and the fact that he set up this thing where the turks have free local delivery, but since he got this job, he can't deliver... which means it's all up to me now.
maybe i kinda feel like i get stuck taking care of everything. or maybe it's that everything taking care of me. i don't know. i just think that the days are getting shorter and i'm pissed off and my chickens are dying and mingah keeps dragging them from their resting places after they've been there three weeks which is completely disgusting and i wake up to her munching on their heads. i scream. i yell. i tell her how gross that is, but she still does it. and as long as my chickens keep dying, she's going to have plenty of new chew toys and i'm going to be chasing her around with a shovel, screaming.
ok, i'm done ranting. i wish i had friends here to talk to. i think the maturity level lends more to me taking care of them rather than a mutual friendship where i can talk about how i'm doing without them listening while thinking about what they are going to say next. i guess i wouldn't know what to say to me either. so maybe i don't blame them.
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
help
So the answer to the previous post is a no answer on a cell phone. pfft. so much for trying.
in any case, i'm having a couple of things go a bit wrong, but hey, what's new.
first - i'm broke. not just broke but completely and hopelessly broke. i'm almost a thousand dollars behind in payments on my student loan. one of my paychecks is only 200 dollars. you can see my dilemna. what happened is i was behind a month, which made the total be 250 dollars, which meant that i had to wait to collect two paychecks as i cannot seem to keep more than a dollar in my checking account at any given time. but then by the time i got the 250, there was another bill and it was up to $375. geez! that's two whole paychecks. which started getting me down a bit. and i'm behind on chase and my substidized student loan. goodbye credit score.
so all of this has me thinking about that great dichotomy in my life. the choice between having money and being unhappy or being broke but loving life.
and every day i keep thinking that the whole loving life thing is quite a bit contingent on having money. and i rack my brain every day for ways to rectify this problem. just a few minutes ago when i was trying to figure out how to defer my student loans, i almost checked the box that i was going back to school. that would take care of the whole deferment thing. but then again, that would also add to the debt. and what the hell would i go to school for anyway, which is probably why i have not gone that route.
and it's funny, but i stopped going to my therapist because, well, i was paying her $50 an hour out of my pocket for her to listen to my blabber on about how my life is going and honestly, it didn't really get me anywhere. i liked going there because i could vent, but at the same time, i kept coming home and doing the same goddamn things with the same results.
so here i am, on my own and trying to figure it out. i have a wet dog in my lap, my feet are quite a bit cold, and my stomach is curling up into knots. the idea of becoming a waitress is looming with more and more impending doom. i can't put off my loans any longer. i can't seem to make the bills.
and yet i'm held back by this strange feeling that i owe everyone something. like everything that anyone has given to me, i need to repay back ten fold. i guess that's why i never care much for quitting jobs. it just seems strange to me that a business would spend money on training you and you just turn around and leave. i keep thinking that if i can just work around my current job, i'm sure i'll find something perfect that could supplament it.
and maybe i have. i'm interviewing for a mentor program for inner city kids in canton. it's from 5 - 8pm every day, which is nice because my winter hours at the nursery are 10 - 3 which leaves a bit of time for a nap in between. i guess all that i know is i can't have a full time job. i suck at those, unless they are active or i get to change up where i am.
anyway, i went to the akron children's hospital website and wanted to apply to work with kids there, but i ended up filling out an application to be a cleaning lady. they still haven't gotten back to me.
i just submitted my resume to work in the office of levin furniture for nights and weekends. i think that might be one step up from working with food, although sadly when i saw the now hiring sign outside of burger king, i did think about it for a second. hah. how about that. i'm paying my student loans with my salary from burger king.
in any case, that's life i guess.
the neverending job / money thing continues. but i also have another stresser right now that's kinda stressing me. jason.
ok, so this kid is great. always eager to help and we have fun together and plan things. pretty much we are the same person, only split into two bodies. he gets excited about the same things that i get excited about and we certainly get into a lot of mischeif together. i think that he eggs me on in some of my endeavors, but whatever. we'll save that for another time.
anyway, his downfall is the same thing that i fret over a lot, only he doesn't fret. he has no money. he's living at spring hill for free. he works a job with hours so flexible, he doesn't really have to go in on any given day.
well, now he's moving out of his place for free. he has nowhere to live, and a job that doesn't pay him enough to get a new place.
this means i'm freaking out. and he is a bit worried now as well. he turned in his two weeks notice at spring hill and was planning on moving out, but he just doesn't know where. which makes me nervous as i'm sitting here with my car full of his stuff, wondering where i'm going to dump it.
now don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't like him and all. i do. it's just this claustaphobic feeling is coming pretty hard at me again and i don't think that there is anyway he could move in and work fixing the house in exchange for rent. in a relationship that's evil in the eyes of the lord, no less.
pretty simply, define hell. yup. something like that.
so i'm hoping upon hope that he gets a place and fast. i'm definately going to miss his old house at spring hill. granted, it did kinda suck when i slept over only to wake up to a busload of kids taking a tour and i had to sneak out the back door with my bra under my arm, trying not to make a sound as i ran down the super long driveway, but hey... it's better than my house - at least he had heat.
today is my day off, which usually is about reprieve or getting something done or feeling better about yourself, but i'm not feeling that today. i don't even have $5 to run down and get a 40 and some cigs so i can sit on my back porch and whine about my situation. i owed the movie rental place that and they happily took it.
ok, now to clean up dog poop as mingah has lost all control of her back end. yuck
in any case, i'm having a couple of things go a bit wrong, but hey, what's new.
first - i'm broke. not just broke but completely and hopelessly broke. i'm almost a thousand dollars behind in payments on my student loan. one of my paychecks is only 200 dollars. you can see my dilemna. what happened is i was behind a month, which made the total be 250 dollars, which meant that i had to wait to collect two paychecks as i cannot seem to keep more than a dollar in my checking account at any given time. but then by the time i got the 250, there was another bill and it was up to $375. geez! that's two whole paychecks. which started getting me down a bit. and i'm behind on chase and my substidized student loan. goodbye credit score.
so all of this has me thinking about that great dichotomy in my life. the choice between having money and being unhappy or being broke but loving life.
and every day i keep thinking that the whole loving life thing is quite a bit contingent on having money. and i rack my brain every day for ways to rectify this problem. just a few minutes ago when i was trying to figure out how to defer my student loans, i almost checked the box that i was going back to school. that would take care of the whole deferment thing. but then again, that would also add to the debt. and what the hell would i go to school for anyway, which is probably why i have not gone that route.
and it's funny, but i stopped going to my therapist because, well, i was paying her $50 an hour out of my pocket for her to listen to my blabber on about how my life is going and honestly, it didn't really get me anywhere. i liked going there because i could vent, but at the same time, i kept coming home and doing the same goddamn things with the same results.
so here i am, on my own and trying to figure it out. i have a wet dog in my lap, my feet are quite a bit cold, and my stomach is curling up into knots. the idea of becoming a waitress is looming with more and more impending doom. i can't put off my loans any longer. i can't seem to make the bills.
and yet i'm held back by this strange feeling that i owe everyone something. like everything that anyone has given to me, i need to repay back ten fold. i guess that's why i never care much for quitting jobs. it just seems strange to me that a business would spend money on training you and you just turn around and leave. i keep thinking that if i can just work around my current job, i'm sure i'll find something perfect that could supplament it.
and maybe i have. i'm interviewing for a mentor program for inner city kids in canton. it's from 5 - 8pm every day, which is nice because my winter hours at the nursery are 10 - 3 which leaves a bit of time for a nap in between. i guess all that i know is i can't have a full time job. i suck at those, unless they are active or i get to change up where i am.
anyway, i went to the akron children's hospital website and wanted to apply to work with kids there, but i ended up filling out an application to be a cleaning lady. they still haven't gotten back to me.
i just submitted my resume to work in the office of levin furniture for nights and weekends. i think that might be one step up from working with food, although sadly when i saw the now hiring sign outside of burger king, i did think about it for a second. hah. how about that. i'm paying my student loans with my salary from burger king.
in any case, that's life i guess.
the neverending job / money thing continues. but i also have another stresser right now that's kinda stressing me. jason.
ok, so this kid is great. always eager to help and we have fun together and plan things. pretty much we are the same person, only split into two bodies. he gets excited about the same things that i get excited about and we certainly get into a lot of mischeif together. i think that he eggs me on in some of my endeavors, but whatever. we'll save that for another time.
anyway, his downfall is the same thing that i fret over a lot, only he doesn't fret. he has no money. he's living at spring hill for free. he works a job with hours so flexible, he doesn't really have to go in on any given day.
well, now he's moving out of his place for free. he has nowhere to live, and a job that doesn't pay him enough to get a new place.
this means i'm freaking out. and he is a bit worried now as well. he turned in his two weeks notice at spring hill and was planning on moving out, but he just doesn't know where. which makes me nervous as i'm sitting here with my car full of his stuff, wondering where i'm going to dump it.
now don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't like him and all. i do. it's just this claustaphobic feeling is coming pretty hard at me again and i don't think that there is anyway he could move in and work fixing the house in exchange for rent. in a relationship that's evil in the eyes of the lord, no less.
pretty simply, define hell. yup. something like that.
so i'm hoping upon hope that he gets a place and fast. i'm definately going to miss his old house at spring hill. granted, it did kinda suck when i slept over only to wake up to a busload of kids taking a tour and i had to sneak out the back door with my bra under my arm, trying not to make a sound as i ran down the super long driveway, but hey... it's better than my house - at least he had heat.
today is my day off, which usually is about reprieve or getting something done or feeling better about yourself, but i'm not feeling that today. i don't even have $5 to run down and get a 40 and some cigs so i can sit on my back porch and whine about my situation. i owed the movie rental place that and they happily took it.
ok, now to clean up dog poop as mingah has lost all control of her back end. yuck
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)