I can't shake this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I shouldn't care, but I'm having trouble with dealing with things as of late.

I feel this overwhelming pressure building up to the point where I can't breath. I don't know, maybe it's just allergies but it's getting hard to swallow too. I'm going to get a neti pot today to see if that helps.

But really what's bothering me is a bad review. Well, I'm not sure that it's bad. 3 stars isn't bad, right? I mean, that's like a B- or something. It's not what I was going for.
Back to the beginning-- I'm on localharvest, which is how I sell my shares and meat and whatnot. I've been dying for a review for awhile, but then when one finally came, I'm not sure what I expected.
I mean, she said what I already knew. And she got the cheapo smallest size you could get. You could see the look on her face when she picked up her basket that was smaller than everyone else's and I knew it couldn't feed her as a vegetarian or her two toddlers and husband.

But I just don't like seeing every other farm around getting 5 stars and glowing reviews and my lonely 3 star review being a -thanks but no thanks- note.



ok..... i'm not going to let it ruin my day. well, i'm not going to let that and my overdraft park account ruin my day. ugh.

I'm also kinda freaking out because I read that you can't feed scraps to pigs. It's against the law. But Travis works at an old people's home and he collects everything fresh off the plate and feeds it to the pigs. I guess that's not allowed. Only table scraps from your household. So now I'm looking at my four little piggies going -now what?

i need to turn around. i need to get out of bed. i need a shower. i need screens in my windows. i need to take the dog out. i

springtime grouchy's?

sometimes i feel like my entire existence is barely held together by a thin thread, sewn haphazardly to make a quilt that could fall apart with a slight tug. or a kid with simple blocks, putting one on top of the other in such rapid succession that the inevitable tumble or fear thereof is completely overshadowed by the enthralling nature of the act of building.

i am not math. i cannot calculate my life like chess moves and i have no idea where i'm going next at any given time.


i think i am both intrigued and repulsed by this quality. i think i like being impulsive, but sometimes when this trait is mirrored back to me, i loathe it to an extent unimaginable.


and it's only been in the past week that the blocks i've been building up in my idea of where my life is going in the year 2009 came crashing down. it's like everything tumbles at the same time; bouncing checks, rain cancels work, my ankles and knees scream that they can't take it anymore, the tractor breaks, my brakes in my car are starting to go on strike --- and i get this twitch in my eye and suddenly my time becomes so precious.
i need to get the greenhouse in working order. i have classes to prepare for, peas to plant, dogs to train, sheep to house, fences to fix, grapes to prune............
i'm starting to become exhausted and am dying for a vacation, but then that would stretch my time even thinner.


I guess on a brighter note, last wed was pretty awesome. I had a potato planting class where I got 20 bucks for playing in the gardens and answering questions, and i got my potatoes in the ground as a bonus. aaaaand someone else kinda planted them.

My sister wants to bring home a couple alpacas. You have to give them shots once a month and they need a house a bit more substantial than the shipping boxes i have the goats in at the moment. They need proper fencing. I'm running out of csa money fast.

I guess it's always going to be like this- bored all winter and thinking up ten hundred new projects for the growing season, then when spring does hit it's like a pile of bricks sending me into sore-shock and grouchy-ness with a healthy side of time crunching and a bit of dirt for dessert


but really when i think about it, would i / could i have it any other way?

as creed once wisely said - what's this liiiiiiife fooooorrrr

The rain mixes with the ice in the clouds and pats the roof of my house as my little warrior dog curls up beside me on my freshly made bed. The smell of the swamp and little puppy groans are quickly permitted with one look into her completely exhausted eyes. Today at the beckoning and astonishment of my command, she valiantly attacked a groundhog, which was comparable to her diminishable size. But with teeth and claws out, she circled and barked as I egged her on, only engaging with confusion on occasion with which her opponent would retaliate with wicked bites to her face and neck.

She is exhausted tonight. I dressed her wounds and her confidence after the big fight where both partied walked away with minor injuries, despite Pepper's ingenious plan to throw the vermin in the creek to help her fight. I was proud of her as she jumped through the briars in a fruitless pursuit. A few rounds of fetch and the fight was almost out of her system.

Now I'm sitting here with itunes on random, jarring me from johnny cash to immortal technique to joanna newsome to ween. I just had a whirlwind cleaning night, the kind that I'm glad the later part of the day drove me inside with rain and wind and put a broom in one hand and a beer in another. It's so satisfying to see the piles of clothes either in baskets destined for the laundry or packed away in drawers or on hangers.
I had so much more planned for this week. And with a day and a half off, you would think that I would have gotten them done. Still no high mill park seed swap sign, garden fence is not yet up... but my house is somewhat clean, the lambs have a new house, some carrots, onion, and lettuce got in the ground, and i got to see my brother for spring break. My songwriting is atrophying as it usually does this time of year, not for lack of material but for being so far down on my list.

I'm starting to have this feeling that as more time passes, the less I'm willing to confess to knowing. I had a tough time coming up with gardening classes because I used to be confident that I knew something that someone else would want to know. Perhaps it's a shift from informing customers at lake cable to becoming a viticulture student who knows little about fence building or cattle husbandry or even what the season will bring from the vines I spend so much time with. I guess I have to admit that I don't want to go back. I learned everything I could in the time I had there and I don't want to sell people viburnums for the rest of my life, or even for the next 4 years.
I think eventually I do want to go back to school. The question, as always, is what for?

the state of the world and a hole in my dog

So I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning after a healthy night of getting sick, but not from drinking and I'm catching up on all the reading I've missed out on. Not long books, but rather my preferred literature - farm magazines. Now is often both a very good and very frustrating time to be reading about all the things that people in warmer climates can still do (still doesn't make me want to move to texas though) and winter issues are usually about more of the state of the world and the farming community. Of course this one I'm working through is incredibly democratic and most of the articles are about petitioning Obama. There's evils around. Obama promised to eradicate them. He promised!!!
I'm not sure if I believe that he's listening to me, the half-farmer half-consumer in shit-town Ohio with no savings and little influence on my surroundings, I mean with millions of Americans loosing their houses and their jobs, why would GMO crop reform be top on the list? With farming subsidies so out of whack, with factory chicken plants just eeking by on only 24% e.coli sent to market... why take the time now to reform it? Is public outcry still high or are they more worried about putting food on the table than colony collapse disorder?

I will try not to post another fatalistic, depressing blog. Perhaps it's not keeping food down that's making me be a little loopy or I just discovered a hole in the side of my faithful companion and don't have the money to take her to the vet but I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining come Jan 20th.

i'm not a cat person, i swear.

It's that weird limbo in between christmas and the other holiday of sheer expectation that i usually try to avoid... new years eve.
I usually try to avoid the resolutions and the countdown. I never feel any different from one second to the other. I just end up with champagne up my nose and that sinking feeling that I have no idea where to go from here.

I'm officially laid off. Me and about 9 percent of ohio. So I guess I'm in good company. But then again, at the same time, I'm out there with my fellow ohioans standing in line to all apply to the new strip mall tool emporium that will probably end up filing for bankruptcy because even their employees can't afford to buy anything there.

And usually I'm not a cat person, but this black and white cat has found me and I like her. I can't tell is she's staring at me to comfort me or to lull me back to sleep. Either way, getting out of bed is getting harder every day.

cold wake up

So I moved my computer over to my house and if I sit just right on the corner of my bed, I can catch the interweb from the neighbors on the hill. And we're tearing up the upstairs to put it back together only make it a little bit warmer as previously, using air as insulation wasn't really very insulating. (I always thought the bitter draft was just the windows, but nope, turns out it was actually the entire ceiling / walls.)
I'm waking up nice a slowly with a mattress heater and one nostril filled entirely with snot. Last night Jason took me on a shopping date. I got some slippers for me, boots for my sister, and sparkles for the deer skulls we're adorning our christmas tree this year with. And then I laughed as Jason filled out an incredibly long job application for borders... but then thought about it and started filling one out myself.

Well, my bladder is full from the cold and morning writing is terrible compared to at night, so I think I'm going to just start my day.

voicemails meant to be deleted

Tonight, after a long bath and an even longer self assessment session, I listened to all my skipped voicemails.-student loans -lawrence twp police calling about a goat they found to see if it's mine - my mother - the band is at my house and they don't know where i am - bill collectors again - some lady asking if i have any turkeys - an unintentioned call (ass dial) from jason - my mother again - and a job rejection.


I'm trying not to be too apocalyptic, but I'm sitting here with half of my bedroom ceiling falling in on me in what appears to be the set of a horror movie. The dog training job that I was pretty fucking excited about slipped through my hands and fell into the lap of someone "more experienced" yet again and I'm left with a dwindling paycheck and threadbare self-respect, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do now.
And I keep playing over and over the interview in my mind, thinking of all the moments, the dogs, the mistakes, the weeks worth of post-interview daydreaming about training service dogs and taking them on educational trips and whatnot.
I guess that I've been turned down for jobs before. Hell, even the Akron Children's Hospital is too good for me to even sweep their floors. I keep rolling over and over what I would like to do vs. where I'm at now.
I realize that I have so many daydreams about the way that things could be. If I'm applying to be a bar maid, I picture opening up my own bar and what it would be like, or for this most recent service dog trainer / office manager position, I imagined expanding to have therapy bunnies and elderly companion pomeranians and saving all of the good dogs who end up in the pound on their way to the needle. (or is it just a 22?)


It all is really starting to roll around faster - goats - mom - student loans - band - mom - - - - (repeat) It's like I never have time to stop it, but I always have time for staying in it.


I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about any more. ugh..... brain frozen.