One, two, three... juuum.... er three jump.. no. wait. one twoooooooo....
yeah, i can't do it.
So recently I am coming to terms with those terrible little demons in my life. Not like the real spiritual struggle that my dad talks about (the end is coming, you know) but rather the things about me that I try to hide by sweeping them under the couch, rug, dog, or whatever I can find to hide under. Everything is fine. Yeah, everrrything is fine. Fine. Fine.
You know the easiest way to tell if someone is lying about how they are is if they repeat the word over and over.... example: How are you today? response: "good... good." That means that things are not going too well.
So it's been awhile of "fine... just fine" days as of late and so last night after fruitlessly trying to re-learn the french horn, I sat my ass down and tried to figure out why I hate myself and have such a tough time even getting out of bed every morning. I just made a simple list of pros and cons because it is easy to feel muddled and confused if everything is lumped together. Classification is science and all that jazz. So I classified my life. I searched deep down to try to find out what the root of my discontent is. It ended up turning into this huge chart, kinda like when you're writing a play and looking for character development. Anyway, this chart linked all my pros and cons together, which would be a balanced give and take relationship. An example being the vet bill for my dog last week was astronomical, but I love my dog terribly and she's a joy to be with, so I don't mind.
After awhile, I started to find a common thread in my cons... and it wasn't my parents (shockingly).
I don't know. I think what I have here is a good start. I kinda like the area, not my favorite but it's got potential. That and I've never been to any city that I walked through and could completely call home. One of the first pros was my chickens, and I know that might sound weird that poultry would be higher on my list than say... my mom, but it is. So I admitted to myself that I like chickens. A lot. And my ducks. The whole rent fiasco with my house is kinda annoying and proximity to my parents is a bit disturbing, however it's not really the main worry in my life. Ok, this is starting to get muddled again. Back to the list.
Pros:
-chickens
-friends - jason, beth, norm
-knitting club
-the band... and music in general
-family nearby... kinda a pro and a con, but mostly a pro
-resources. i have a woodshop and i have land that i have access to and use both to the best of my ability / time
Cons:
-no $$
-no time
-no energy
-i never see my chickens because i'm at work from dawn till dusk
-lack of freedom, can't just up and take trips
-not really growing as a person... which is a big one for me. i've always been in school or been feeding off of other people who are learning and growing. now the only knowledge that i'm getting fed is the prime rate and how many foreclosures there are in canton.
Anyway, I guess seeing that all on paper kinda helped me out. After I wrote it all down and read it back to myself, I started linking them and some things really made sense. The pattern is suffocating.
And here I am again, sitting at work, staring at a pile of files and checking the clock at regular intervals because if you look too often, then it doesn't move as fast. And I'm ducking and covering from my least favorite person in the world who keeps just standing around talking about nothing or something, I can never tell which. I think he just likes to hear himself talk. For awhile my favorite thing to do to him would be to contradict what he was saying and listen to him go around about how my idea makes sense and then he'd change his whole discussion with himself. I don't find that amusing anymore.
This is the point in my life that I contact a therapist and say help.
I was going to go back to school, but I didn't know what for. After going to the first day of class and realizing that I didn't know why I was in there, I kinda decided to take that $654 dollars and something cents that I would have wasted on yet another undergrad class and put that money towards getting a third party un-biased opinion about my life. In all actuality, I think I'm paying someone to stroke my ego, calm me down, then kick me in the pants to do something. I think I am right on the brink of what some might call hysteria.
So, the therapist called me to return my message and try to set up an appointment time. She took my name and basic info as I was swallowing the lump in my throat and then she asked me why I was seeking therapy. This is the point in the conversation where the tears that I had been trying so valiantly to hold back came screaming up through my damnable tear ducts and burst out onto my face as I blurted out, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm only 24!"
I pulled the phone away from my face and kinda hung my head in shame. How much self control do I have, honestly. Or maybe the real question is, how long have I been holding that back.
A part of me hates that I can only really sort things out in these rantings on online blogs. It seems so odd that I would let anyone who can do a search find my innermost vulnerabilities and confessions that I can't even articulate to those closest to me. But I guess the other, more prevalent part of me prefers this anonymity of not seeing anyone's face, not hearing anyone's voice and not knowing whether or not this is actually being read.
So I guess this is where I am at now. Sorting my life into two piles and seeing where I can cut the fat. I'm going back to my lofty aspirations when I would stand in front of a class full of my peers and say with my whole heart "my name is Janeé and I want to be...." which I'm not sure if that was when I was in second grade when I wanted to be a vet (before I realized that I was deathly afraid of needles) or when I was in 9th grade and wanted to be an art therapist or sophomore year of college when I wanted to be a lesbian rock star or a year ago when I wanted to be a house renovator. I don't remember a time in my life when I wanted to be an assistant in the money biz.
ACTION:
So, I think no good plan is indeed a plan without some sort of action. But then action without weighing out things rationally is just impulsive... yeah, back to the point.
1. If I want to get back into psych, the thing holding me back now is the black mark on my record... so I called a lawyer to try to see what was going on, what my rights were and how long that would stay on my record. I kinda cried a little because I'm pathetic and emotional right now, but he pretty much told me what I wanted to hear, that things fall off your record after two years, but if I was still worried about it, to write a letter to my desired employer stating what happened if they did a background search and happened to still find it. I guess that was comforting learning that I'm not damned forever if I do plan on moving into that.
2. GRE.
And yes, I am dreaming about grad school. What little girl isn't. But then again, there are a few things holding me back on this lofty aspiration, namely 1. would I go for psych or english? 2. i doubt that my grades are good enough, but then again, you never know until you try, right? 3. letters or recommendation. <--these are going to be the toughest. The only classes that I ever gave a damn about in school were my english and art classes, and regrettably I don't have much to show for those. So I guess my question is, should I go back for psych, a field which I love but classes that I don't really love, or should I go back for english, a field that has no jobs but classes that I love.
Ok, I think that's enough preponderance for today. I fear as though I might have bit off more than I can chew, but then again. That's life. I'll let you know how crazy my new shrink thinks I am. In that lawyers eyes today though, I was altruistic, young and hopeful. That's kinda a good feeling.
Aaaaand I'm crying again.
......damn feminine hormones.
yeah, i can't do it.
So recently I am coming to terms with those terrible little demons in my life. Not like the real spiritual struggle that my dad talks about (the end is coming, you know) but rather the things about me that I try to hide by sweeping them under the couch, rug, dog, or whatever I can find to hide under. Everything is fine. Yeah, everrrything is fine. Fine. Fine.
You know the easiest way to tell if someone is lying about how they are is if they repeat the word over and over.... example: How are you today? response: "good... good." That means that things are not going too well.
So it's been awhile of "fine... just fine" days as of late and so last night after fruitlessly trying to re-learn the french horn, I sat my ass down and tried to figure out why I hate myself and have such a tough time even getting out of bed every morning. I just made a simple list of pros and cons because it is easy to feel muddled and confused if everything is lumped together. Classification is science and all that jazz. So I classified my life. I searched deep down to try to find out what the root of my discontent is. It ended up turning into this huge chart, kinda like when you're writing a play and looking for character development. Anyway, this chart linked all my pros and cons together, which would be a balanced give and take relationship. An example being the vet bill for my dog last week was astronomical, but I love my dog terribly and she's a joy to be with, so I don't mind.
After awhile, I started to find a common thread in my cons... and it wasn't my parents (shockingly).
I don't know. I think what I have here is a good start. I kinda like the area, not my favorite but it's got potential. That and I've never been to any city that I walked through and could completely call home. One of the first pros was my chickens, and I know that might sound weird that poultry would be higher on my list than say... my mom, but it is. So I admitted to myself that I like chickens. A lot. And my ducks. The whole rent fiasco with my house is kinda annoying and proximity to my parents is a bit disturbing, however it's not really the main worry in my life. Ok, this is starting to get muddled again. Back to the list.
Pros:
-chickens
-friends - jason, beth, norm
-knitting club
-the band... and music in general
-family nearby... kinda a pro and a con, but mostly a pro
-resources. i have a woodshop and i have land that i have access to and use both to the best of my ability / time
Cons:
-no $$
-no time
-no energy
-i never see my chickens because i'm at work from dawn till dusk
-lack of freedom, can't just up and take trips
-not really growing as a person... which is a big one for me. i've always been in school or been feeding off of other people who are learning and growing. now the only knowledge that i'm getting fed is the prime rate and how many foreclosures there are in canton.
Anyway, I guess seeing that all on paper kinda helped me out. After I wrote it all down and read it back to myself, I started linking them and some things really made sense. The pattern is suffocating.
And here I am again, sitting at work, staring at a pile of files and checking the clock at regular intervals because if you look too often, then it doesn't move as fast. And I'm ducking and covering from my least favorite person in the world who keeps just standing around talking about nothing or something, I can never tell which. I think he just likes to hear himself talk. For awhile my favorite thing to do to him would be to contradict what he was saying and listen to him go around about how my idea makes sense and then he'd change his whole discussion with himself. I don't find that amusing anymore.
This is the point in my life that I contact a therapist and say help.
I was going to go back to school, but I didn't know what for. After going to the first day of class and realizing that I didn't know why I was in there, I kinda decided to take that $654 dollars and something cents that I would have wasted on yet another undergrad class and put that money towards getting a third party un-biased opinion about my life. In all actuality, I think I'm paying someone to stroke my ego, calm me down, then kick me in the pants to do something. I think I am right on the brink of what some might call hysteria.
So, the therapist called me to return my message and try to set up an appointment time. She took my name and basic info as I was swallowing the lump in my throat and then she asked me why I was seeking therapy. This is the point in the conversation where the tears that I had been trying so valiantly to hold back came screaming up through my damnable tear ducts and burst out onto my face as I blurted out, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm only 24!"
I pulled the phone away from my face and kinda hung my head in shame. How much self control do I have, honestly. Or maybe the real question is, how long have I been holding that back.
A part of me hates that I can only really sort things out in these rantings on online blogs. It seems so odd that I would let anyone who can do a search find my innermost vulnerabilities and confessions that I can't even articulate to those closest to me. But I guess the other, more prevalent part of me prefers this anonymity of not seeing anyone's face, not hearing anyone's voice and not knowing whether or not this is actually being read.
So I guess this is where I am at now. Sorting my life into two piles and seeing where I can cut the fat. I'm going back to my lofty aspirations when I would stand in front of a class full of my peers and say with my whole heart "my name is Janeé and I want to be...." which I'm not sure if that was when I was in second grade when I wanted to be a vet (before I realized that I was deathly afraid of needles) or when I was in 9th grade and wanted to be an art therapist or sophomore year of college when I wanted to be a lesbian rock star or a year ago when I wanted to be a house renovator. I don't remember a time in my life when I wanted to be an assistant in the money biz.
ACTION:
So, I think no good plan is indeed a plan without some sort of action. But then action without weighing out things rationally is just impulsive... yeah, back to the point.
1. If I want to get back into psych, the thing holding me back now is the black mark on my record... so I called a lawyer to try to see what was going on, what my rights were and how long that would stay on my record. I kinda cried a little because I'm pathetic and emotional right now, but he pretty much told me what I wanted to hear, that things fall off your record after two years, but if I was still worried about it, to write a letter to my desired employer stating what happened if they did a background search and happened to still find it. I guess that was comforting learning that I'm not damned forever if I do plan on moving into that.
2. GRE.
And yes, I am dreaming about grad school. What little girl isn't. But then again, there are a few things holding me back on this lofty aspiration, namely 1. would I go for psych or english? 2. i doubt that my grades are good enough, but then again, you never know until you try, right? 3. letters or recommendation. <--these are going to be the toughest. The only classes that I ever gave a damn about in school were my english and art classes, and regrettably I don't have much to show for those. So I guess my question is, should I go back for psych, a field which I love but classes that I don't really love, or should I go back for english, a field that has no jobs but classes that I love.
Ok, I think that's enough preponderance for today. I fear as though I might have bit off more than I can chew, but then again. That's life. I'll let you know how crazy my new shrink thinks I am. In that lawyers eyes today though, I was altruistic, young and hopeful. That's kinda a good feeling.
Aaaaand I'm crying again.
......damn feminine hormones.
1 comment:
If any one can do it, it's you, honey. I'm proud of you--it takes a strong person to rip off the mask and say, "I'm not happy." Eek.
You know you've got us, and I'm happy to listen any time. I like action plans.
Clem Snide said it best: "When there's love, there's action."
Can't wait to see you turn this world on its ear.
Would you like me to link to you or are you feeling this is private blahg?? I will defer to you, my dear.
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