mission one......

So I think that I'm verifyably having a midlife crisis.

I don't know what I'm doing. I kinda feel like a robot, like I'm stuck in this body that keeps moving, eyes blinking... but it's not actually me.

I don't want to get out of bed most mornings. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that my brain stays in bed and my body goes around and does stuff. I can't even tell you the last time I read a book or wrote something that I cared about or really laughed.

And then I think it's guilt for feeling the way that I feel that keeps me going in my relationship with my family and with Jason. I'm irritable a lot and I'm not sure what I'm doing. Damn, I didn't think when I moved here that this is how bad I would feel. If I knew, the worst moments at Toledo weren't even near this. I guess it is better to be broke and happy.


So this is it. I guess I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I'm going to be a poor traveling musician. Me and Ryan are getting our stuff together and hitting the road, with an open French Horn case in front of us, we'll beg for change with beautiful melodies as couples pass by on date night, tossing a couple quarters our way just for the effort of making the space around us more beautiful.

I guess my first step (according to my wonderful new therapist) is to write out where I see myself in a year. All that I have to say is I'd better not still be here.