pools of blood colagulating

So I guess right now I'm at a loss for words, well apparently not completely, but more of at a loss for verbal words. Flabbergasted, I believe would be the correct term for it as opposed to filibuster, which is where you can't shut up.

I was having a friendly morning-time conversation with my mom, I was checking my email and she was talking at me when she brought up going to visit her parents. My two brothers have agreed, the older of the two because he was never molested by my grandfather, and the other one agreed because he's on a crusade to get money for college and he thinks that he can squeeze pennies from them by a friendly visit. But the thing that puzzles me is that my sister in Florida is flying up from Florida to North Carolina just to spend Easter weekend with my terrible grandparents.

Reasons I don't want to go:
1) My family is staying in a hotel right next to my grandparents, which is not a cool, fun, hip location at all for a 20-something. In fact, there's little if anything to do except for hang out with my terrible grandparents.
2) My favorite uncle isn't even going to make it out for a visit because he works all weekend.
3) My not-so-favorite uncle will be there all weekend. He teases and it's not funny at all. He talks like my grandfather.
4) I have band practice on Thursday night. They are leaving on Thursday night.
5) I have to work on Saturday, even though it's going to be like 32 degrees.


So my mom just came in and told me that I should go just to show that he has no control over me. Wait. How does that work? Me giving up a weekend that I could be doing what I want in order to sit in a car for 8 hours there and 8 hours back just to watch my grandmother not be able to pick up a paintbrush and have my grandfather follow me around trying to apologize for... wait, he swears nothing but if I think it's something then he's sorry for whatever it was that might have happened.

You see, memory is a tricky thing. In an interrogation room, you put all the pressure on the witness / assailant to remember, but it all comes down to how you phrase the questions. You can implant ideas into their heads of things that we or weren't there. You can twist the story so much that even they don't know which way is up. Then the crime is twisted in a different light and you can believe something totally different.

I don't want to go. But here I am thinking well maybe....



My mom says that my grandmother would just die and go to heaven if she saw all of her grandchildren together for such a great holiday such as Easter. She's been saying that for years. But maybe she should have thought about that before she let her husband ruin her chances of that while she covered it up.



But then again, here I sit, waffling between thinking -well maybe they won't need me on Saturday - I could reschedule band practice - fuck that, I don't want them to take anymore from me than they already have.

I don't know. I'm kinda confused. And it sucks that my mom wouldn't just be like -hey, it's cool if you don't want to go. I understand.
But I don't think so. Blood is thicker than water... which I guess goes for dirty blood. But then, will I regret if I don't go and my grandmother dies?
Probably not. She's been saying that for years and I feel as though I made my peace last time. I don't need to waste another weekend feeling uncomfortable.


Off to work....