same story, different day.

My toes are just starting to thaw from inside my stretched out socks. I had wanted to clean up tonight, but my legs have had enough and are ready for bed. I got my first cow today, a cute little bottle fed holstein complete with a bottle feeding crazy girl who just kept screaming- you're not going to eat him, are you!? - as I dodged the question. He's a cow... kinda big for a pet. And he eats a lot. We'll see. I have no idea what I am going to do with him.
My mom is mad at me again. I guess my number is up to be her least favorite kid. It was a good run, but I guess we all have to pay our dues. It seems like a perpetuating disorder where one thing piles on to the next thing and everything starts building and building and getting thrown way out of proportion. I don't think my brother is fit to bring a kid into the world. My mother thinks otherwise. My dad was caught tilling yesterday. My mom looked like she was going to kill herself. And now my dad is agreeing to get rid of his dog, move to a condo, or whatever she is talking about this week. I'm sick of it. Not like I'm going to do much though. Just avoid her for awhile. Usually the kid the farthest away is the most loved.

I am already worrying about thanksgiving. i don't know why. the weather maybe. the job loosing maybe. just worried about not being able to pay bills or where i'm going to work or what i'll be when i grow up. I think I need to get out more, go somewhere else. right now my world feels pretty small and crumbling in on itself.

Full Moon

Holy shit. I am not sure what the hell happened or has been happening or why this week has been so off balance. I think it is the full moon cycle coinciding with my cycle that has made this masterful terrible eclipse of everything good into everything evil.

My brain feels like a bullet went through it and it is scattered on the pavement, dripping. I have been so angry at everyone and everything and, though I hate to admit it, when the goats have been getting out, I swear it is out of spite and the are plotting against me. I get so angry I kick, scream, yell... not much works because the are fucking goats and they do what they want and are assholes so whatever.
And I know I should just save and buy a real fence. The alpaca enclosure is wonderful that Travis built. With recycled posts and a gate that we already had, I don't think it really cost too much. I will not get angry and start making comparisons.

Yes, it is a Sunday morning and yes I am up at 6:30. And yes, I wish I wasn't. And yes, I wish I actually did something last night. And yes, I am feeling rather lame as of late. And yes, I will probably try to go back to sleep in a few minutes with a new rescue dog tied to me ankle so I know she isn't going to sneak downstairs and potty where she's not supposed to.

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2 hours later
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AH, much better. Lots of funny dreams. The wind is blowing through the leaves that are bathed in sunlight just outisde my window. It might be a swimming day for the first time this summer. Supposed to be 90 but the wind in the air says they might be exaggerating.

And now with sleep in my eye and a cup of tea in my hand, I am ready to make a list. Maybe the full moon is waning after all...



p.s. if you are wondering where all my happy blogs are, check out high mill happenings