Let sleeping regrets lie

Sleep was shallow and filled with dreams of regrets, or more so dreams of being blamed for things I didn't do. How can a guilty conscious happen in the absence of guilt?

The ball in my throat is impossible to swallow and even as I nurse my coffee I carefully and surgically separate fact from fiction. Like a bad night of drinking where everything is blurred and I must be getting sick because I didn't drink but my head is fuzzy. Maybe I've been listening to too much youth lagoon and I should go back to science podcasts. Or maybe a walk around alder lake is in order to watch the sleeping frogs and listen to the hawks shreak. How terrifying it must be for the frog, frozen and listening to the hungry hunter overhead as he hopes not to be seen.

It probably is just my cold apartment or just a new song fermenting in my head. Or it's that brain tumor that makes me randomly smell puppy breath. But I feel fractured and I wish I had my feet in the sea. Or my hands in the dirt. Maybe my guilty conscious is regret for the things I didn't do. Or the chances I refuse even now to take.

Or wait, I didn't do my yearly celebration of - its all up from here! On December 21st. I guess all the talk about the end of the world pushed to the back of my mind the shortest day of the year. It's all up from here. It's all earth tilting, light stretching, sunlight streaming through my windows for longer now. This for me is better than Christmas. I don't have to think about gifts. I just have to think about my tiny little spot on this tiny little mass rotating constantly around not even the most impressive star in the galaxy. (sorry sun, I still love you)

So I guess the people in my dreams that are mad at me as I speculate reality through rem just kinda melt away. I get to think about another growing season of capturing light into nutrition for my plants, my pastures, an eventually myself. I need a new planning notebook for this new year and a new garden design.

I also dreamed about friends. I don't think the stretching sun or a planning notebook will help with that though. But I did clean out my old freezer and them promptly fill it with a whole cow and a pig. Cookbooks are spread out on my floor, bindings being stretched where pages of new recipes are pondered over. After two slow roasted successes, I think it might be time to build that smoker. ... BBQ sauce and pork chops for everyone! Merry Christmas and a meatie new year.