The spring is usually so full of landmarks like the first crocus, daffodils, spring lamb, or the grass greening that I usually write on the calendar like love notes or birthdays. This year, I left them all lilting by as I marveled from my car window. The dull winter shades keep slipping one by one into vibrant hues and tshirts.
I have pulled into my shell to think. People occasionally poke me and I'll uncomfortably let a leg stick out or peek out my head to see what's going on, but crawl back inside all the same.
I am wondering how and why we chose our mates. I know ram selection traits to look for or what roosters to cull when they get mean, but translation to humans is harder as there's so many unseen traits that are hard to select for. And which ones are suitable and desired? And roosters or rams aren't around for long on my farm... So I don't think the soup pot is an option if things dont work out well in the human world.
I guess if we go by the modern psychology standards, women are looking for older men with a square jawline, strong nose, defined eyebrows, and of course lots of money. Men are going for youn women with large eyes, small mouths, and fine reproductive hips and mammaries.
I am now imagining my ewes when a ram is presented to me going, "damn, yeah he's fine but will he stick around and take care of the lambs and still be romantic after breeding season, I don't think so."
I think the things that were important to me 7 years ago are different than they are now. Fuck. I never thought a bad credit score would piss me off so much. But the fact that it does, kinds makes me feel like a pile of nerve impulses that I can't just push to the back of my brain.
Every time my neighbors get into a lovers screaming match, I house shop. When trash gets thrown at my door, when someone comes home drunk and loud, when mothers cuss out their baby daddy's in the streets in front of said babies, I house shop.
I house shop until I realize that I can't even afford a shitty cheap house in Akron and then I get sad. But I still house shop anyway. I figure if I give up this hobby, maybe a gem will get away from me and I'll be stuck with the cockroaches, human and insect.
So when house shopping and thinking that far into permanence and futures and all that crazy nonsense, I'm wondering if I chose my mate because he was fun and nice and sweet and a good cook and adventurous, will that keep and grow with where I want to be? And can that overcome a terrible credit score.
I guess moral of the story is do not get sick when you have no health insurance. And if you avoid bills for a decade, someone out there will find them and get super pissed off. So hopefully I have a couple of really nice dinners, fuck, I'll need a damn chef living with me if I'm going to strap that yoke on my neck.
Articulating the need for stability financially makes me feel like a selfish princess. I wish it didn't matter so much, but it does. Treading water paying bills, hoping my car doesn't break down this week is a sure way to ulcers. But I'm better off now than I ever have been so I feel in the right direction. Loans are getting paid down. Credit cards are not going up. I'm not sinking every cent of money and energy into a losing endeavor at my parents place.
So now I'm thinking, what next.
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Have you ever watched one of these reality TV shows about surviving? How difficult it is in the wild to find enough food to generate the number of calories that you need to survive in a day. In a nutshell, that is what our lives are only more elaborate. We live in a society, a culture, a system so civilized that sometimes we forget that life is about survival. We are all working, thinking and pursuing something that will keep us alive and if we have families, keep them fed nourished and clothed. Wanting these things is what we are. Wanting to have a home is what is in our DNA. In the nicer our home, the bigger our refrigerator, and the better our nest then the more likely we are to not just survive, but flourish and pass our genes on. Financial stability is simply a manifestation of the means to survive. Just imagine, that you are being paid in fish or pelts or yards of cloth instead of the surrogate “money”. Again because we are civilized and the barter system would be simply too complex we have come to rely on money. But money, as convenient as it is, dissociates us from the true nature of survival. We lose connection with the visceral need to survive when we are paid in money. We forget that having money in the bank is like having a stack of pork bellies in the meat shed that we could trade for tallow or wool or animal skins that would be useful to us in our survival.
We really are amazing – even the homeless here in the USA would be royalty compared to the classless people of 2000 years ago. We drown in our riches, never really seeing how privileged we are. And we deserve every bit of it because we have built it, we have made it, we have sacrificed for it. So I say make money, pay off loans and by great beer and wine to enjoy as often as you can.
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