Reworking water drops

I feel like I was running as fast as I could for so long, beyond the point of exhaustion into muscle memory, heart pumping, legs twitching, muscles aching and then I smashed into a brick wall, like a raindrop hitting a hard surface, transforming from one droplet of water into hundreds. Resting in a hundred little droplets, dazed, I'm slowly reabsorbing, picking up different debris along the way as I gather into a completely different drop of water.

This weight of stress is off of me now. I sleep a lot. I meander most days, not sure what to do with myself. Half-assed looking for jobs. Not sure what industry to pursue let alone where and why. My computer is helping by not loading craigslist. Sigh.

So now I'm off to shower, refocus, and head out to my third night at my new job. A new craft is to be learned, honed, and perfected. I still feel the sting of the last job like a fresh wound, which soon will heal, but in the meantime it's nice to be busy.

Always and never

Sometimes when you find the most wonderful people in your life, it's hard to let them go.

Not sure why the knife is twisting right now, but just experiencing loss after loss today.

I don't understand finality. Or perhaps I understand but don't like the concept. I imagine no one likes being told what to do. And my parents told me to avoid using the word always and never eg I never want to have kids.
Seems like life is a lot more fluid then that.

So breakup are hard. Leaving a job is hard. Losing a friend is hard.

I guess today is a new day. Let's see what happens.

The end of a chapter

Today I lost my job. 

There's something terribly disheartening about losing something I put so much of myself into. I guess I should have seen it coming when they wanted to rip up my strawberry patch leading up to the front door. Or when they stopped talking to me months ago. I kept trying to figure different things out but wouldn't get a response. 

I am sad for all the customers I collected that I will no longer see. I will miss my staff I carefully groomed. I liked being outside in the vines tending the crop and then coming in and working on the wine and serving and playing with food and chocolate pairings. I liked building events up until they became giant behemoths of creative minds and ideas all with wine glasses in hand. I liked putting out Tuesday night recipe ideas like grilled peaches and chicken that went well with certain wines, getting people excited about 4 ingredient cooking over an open flame. 

I am devastated. 

I don't know where to go from here. 

Last night I dreamed of a tornado. I was driving in a city, working with this local shop for some idea I had or consultation when I finished and got in my car, turned on the radio and got the news too late to head towards the basement. The tornado was coming right at me, like it was walking up the street. I ran into a building and tried to get to the stairs when all the windows shattered and I was consumed in black fury and white light. I remember thinking I should be terrified but I wasn't. I was just tired and sick of running. 

And then I woke up