After two days of being sick, I come back to work to find the kid that I replaced was back. For a tiny staff, it's always a big shift when anything changes.
I found my busy work being diverted to him. And my motivation just dying.
I guess I never thought of where the bar was set before I started. I just run around like a border collie, in circles doing a bunch of things until I can't find anything to do and then I get bored and find something else to do or I beg to go home.
This kid worked as slow as could be but looked like he could pick up heavy things. Bathroom breaks took 15 minutes off of each hour and another chunk of time was spent texting out in the open, which was ok by me because it freed up the bathroom for what the bathroom is actually intended for.
And to top it all off, he was a whistler. Oh my god. What audible onslaught is this? Invading my serene workplace and taking my busy work tasks, making me more bored than scrubbing the back of a tank could render me. High pitched noises to coincide with every task where there had been no noise before.
I got sick again. Not out of annoyance, but that kind of sick that moves through your entire body in waves of sickness through your body and I figured it was probably from working 60+ hours a week between my two jobs. So Christmas was spent on a level 2 of energy scale. And New Years I dragged my butt to my second job, got sick at work, but then kinda felt better having purged something from my stomach so I finished my shift. I fought for getting tipped out and wasn't about to look like I was skipping out. (I know, it's dumb, but that's how my mind wraps its head around itself.)
I think the core of my annoyance lies much deeper than bathroom habits, whistling, or this perpetual sickness I can't shake. It's the idea that this kid makes more money than I do. Or the same amount as I do.
It's a nagging feeling for a girl in any industry seeing as how numbers always slip out that the wage gap is alive and well. It's systemic, all the way to the recent Sony hack showing female costars making millions less. For some reason, guys can negotiate better salaries and benefits. It's something I fear I'm terrible at as well. I usually find that I hold myself back from getting much needed raises for the good of the company... or something.
After one fiery argument with my brother and boyfriend on this topic, one in which they told me that at least I wasn't getting mutilated or sold as a sex slave, I guess I was able to wrestle with the root of this inferiority complex.
It seems like that argument -at least you don't have it as bad as____- is a way to get your head down, stay in your lane and not complain. I don't think that guys have that idea built in. But for a girl, you're usually second guessed every turn along the way, especially in an industry where you have to use tools, machines, and pick up heavy things.
This fucking kid looked like he could pick up heavy things. And here he was in my workplace, not really working.
I liked being a girl boss as the way I think problems through, navigate staffing issues, and can orchestrate ten things at once is something that I completely delight in. I also don't really care to do things the hard way or pick up two cases of wine at once to out piss someone else. I work efficiently by myself or with a group and I know that I am worth my pay and then some.
So I guess I'm looking forward to my yearly review so maybe I can get a bump in hourly so I'm not working so many hours and making myself sick from being run down.
And they're right. At least I don't have it as bad as some females in the world, but that doesn't mean that wage gaps can just keep going on because they aren't as bad as other problems in other places. And racism in America isn't too bad, I mean at least they aren't getting shot for being black like all the time. We all should stop complaining. Sigh...
In other news, I paid off my last credit card and am now high interest debt free. Wohoo! All the long hours are starting to be worth it as I'm done digging myself out of a hole.
I'm now reorganizing my life and filing things away where they belong. I'm budgeting with cash, paying for the things that I really need and writing it all down in the meantime.
I am probably not going to switch careers but rather, I'm going to make this one work best for me. Or find a place similar that will pay me well for what I do best.
I do not want to get back into a high stress job, even if it's more money. It's not worth feeling stressed and then spending money to make myself feel better.
I get rid of things every day. I can't believe I still have anything left, but the purge continues. My TV broke and while it was getting repaired, I didn't miss it. In fact, I was way more productive with it gone and so it hasn't been back since. My yarn collection I haven't touched in years got pared down. My wardrobe continues to be just the same tshirt a million times and I've expanded to the same three sweaters rotating through the laundry and got rid of all the jeans that didn't fit perfectly.
The only thing that has grown has been my kitchen pantry and gadgets. I now have a crab claw cracker, a new coffee maker and French press, and some new containers that are see through to hold all my canning and beer brewing stuff. My car is still clean(ish) and I'm going to start paying hard on that and putting some in savings next.
I also NOW have health insurance! Yipee! Commence getting sick again. Super high deductible, but hey, low monthly payments means more to put into a health savings plan instead of low deductible that I (hopefully) won't use anyway.
I now more than ever want to make a home somewhere. I want a mate who will stand beside me through anything. I want a fenced yard for the dogs and with the same voraciousness, I will work towards and achieve these goals.
But for now, I sip tea and work through budget calculators and look up roasted potato recipes while the laundry finishes. I watered the sheep, watched as they selected their favorite strands of hay, safe from the wet snow as they nestle inside the barn which last held sheep a half a century ago. I halfway contemplated naming them shallot and potato, but opted for keeping them nameless. Found some old gardening books, enjoyed the chill, meandered a bit, and enjoyed my half day off. And now I'm googling black walnut syrup with my sick dad.
The whistling kid is gone now. And somewhere along the lines of wrestling with my own frustrations, I started to actually listen to the whistle. I would try to figure out what song it was or where he was exactly, what his mood was based on what he was whistling.
I started to love the sound. It's very creative and he was actually quite good at it. He would improve through some of the oddest medleys of songs in quick succession and the echo was even more haunting when he was far away. I stopped watching him blatantly text, I would just do my job and listen.
Oddly enough, I kinda miss it. And I have no idea if he made more money or less money or equal. Guess that's something I'll have to keep working through.
... and I should ask for a raise.
It's a nagging feeling for a girl in any industry seeing as how numbers always slip out that the wage gap is alive and well. It's systemic, all the way to the recent Sony hack showing female costars making millions less. For some reason, guys can negotiate better salaries and benefits. It's something I fear I'm terrible at as well. I usually find that I hold myself back from getting much needed raises for the good of the company... or something.
After one fiery argument with my brother and boyfriend on this topic, one in which they told me that at least I wasn't getting mutilated or sold as a sex slave, I guess I was able to wrestle with the root of this inferiority complex.
It seems like that argument -at least you don't have it as bad as____- is a way to get your head down, stay in your lane and not complain. I don't think that guys have that idea built in. But for a girl, you're usually second guessed every turn along the way, especially in an industry where you have to use tools, machines, and pick up heavy things.
This fucking kid looked like he could pick up heavy things. And here he was in my workplace, not really working.
I liked being a girl boss as the way I think problems through, navigate staffing issues, and can orchestrate ten things at once is something that I completely delight in. I also don't really care to do things the hard way or pick up two cases of wine at once to out piss someone else. I work efficiently by myself or with a group and I know that I am worth my pay and then some.
So I guess I'm looking forward to my yearly review so maybe I can get a bump in hourly so I'm not working so many hours and making myself sick from being run down.
And they're right. At least I don't have it as bad as some females in the world, but that doesn't mean that wage gaps can just keep going on because they aren't as bad as other problems in other places. And racism in America isn't too bad, I mean at least they aren't getting shot for being black like all the time. We all should stop complaining. Sigh...
In other news, I paid off my last credit card and am now high interest debt free. Wohoo! All the long hours are starting to be worth it as I'm done digging myself out of a hole.
I'm now reorganizing my life and filing things away where they belong. I'm budgeting with cash, paying for the things that I really need and writing it all down in the meantime.
I am probably not going to switch careers but rather, I'm going to make this one work best for me. Or find a place similar that will pay me well for what I do best.
I do not want to get back into a high stress job, even if it's more money. It's not worth feeling stressed and then spending money to make myself feel better.
I get rid of things every day. I can't believe I still have anything left, but the purge continues. My TV broke and while it was getting repaired, I didn't miss it. In fact, I was way more productive with it gone and so it hasn't been back since. My yarn collection I haven't touched in years got pared down. My wardrobe continues to be just the same tshirt a million times and I've expanded to the same three sweaters rotating through the laundry and got rid of all the jeans that didn't fit perfectly.
The only thing that has grown has been my kitchen pantry and gadgets. I now have a crab claw cracker, a new coffee maker and French press, and some new containers that are see through to hold all my canning and beer brewing stuff. My car is still clean(ish) and I'm going to start paying hard on that and putting some in savings next.
I also NOW have health insurance! Yipee! Commence getting sick again. Super high deductible, but hey, low monthly payments means more to put into a health savings plan instead of low deductible that I (hopefully) won't use anyway.
I now more than ever want to make a home somewhere. I want a mate who will stand beside me through anything. I want a fenced yard for the dogs and with the same voraciousness, I will work towards and achieve these goals.
But for now, I sip tea and work through budget calculators and look up roasted potato recipes while the laundry finishes. I watered the sheep, watched as they selected their favorite strands of hay, safe from the wet snow as they nestle inside the barn which last held sheep a half a century ago. I halfway contemplated naming them shallot and potato, but opted for keeping them nameless. Found some old gardening books, enjoyed the chill, meandered a bit, and enjoyed my half day off. And now I'm googling black walnut syrup with my sick dad.
The whistling kid is gone now. And somewhere along the lines of wrestling with my own frustrations, I started to actually listen to the whistle. I would try to figure out what song it was or where he was exactly, what his mood was based on what he was whistling.
I started to love the sound. It's very creative and he was actually quite good at it. He would improve through some of the oddest medleys of songs in quick succession and the echo was even more haunting when he was far away. I stopped watching him blatantly text, I would just do my job and listen.
Oddly enough, I kinda miss it. And I have no idea if he made more money or less money or equal. Guess that's something I'll have to keep working through.
... and I should ask for a raise.
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