I Miss You

It's been awhile since I've had obsessive thoughts about something or someone. I used to fall hard for people who didn't return the feeling and my brain would repeat over and over events that happened as if there was something I could unlock and figure out how to make them love me. I would repeat a song over and over again in a sad attempt to unlock the secrets behind the hook, the beat, the tone, one part of the quiver in the voice that could free me from my obsession on repeat. I found the only way to get a song out of my head is to play it. But then sometimes that song needs played over and over again to fully process and push through that feeling. 

Right now I am pushing through a super sappy song that reminds me of heartbreak from forever ago and for you readers who would like to fall along and perhaps get it stuck in your head too, it's I Miss You by Incubus. It's pretty much 1999 sappy rock ballad to the max, with that masculinity that is fringed with a twinge of heartache without having to go into the typical rap rock to get the point across. There's a part that pulls between the chorus and the verse that drones on with voices and then falls away that just solidifies that longing feeling of walking away from something or someone that you love but still holds on. 

And I'm fairly convinced that I've completely lost my mind. I feel like someone took pruning loppers to where my spine is in order to separate my head from the rest of my body. Or maybe it's just pinched and my body is numb but my brain is stuck on repeat in the sappiest point I've been in forever. 

I can't even describe what I am missing. It's just this overarching feeling of floating through my days completely detached or in shock and I feel like my feet aren't even on the ground or the ground doesn't even exist.

I need to put a seed in the ground and watch it grow. I need to look forward. I am pulling myself back into this slow moving, slightly distorted, guitar driven whispers of something that I thought I had. When life splinters and branches into a different direction, it's hard not to think of the possibilities if life had gone right instead of taking a sharp left. 

It's funny how I sit down with people and talk through their obsessive thoughts like I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Perhaps if I had someone to talk to, I could process these irrational thoughts. I'm not even sure what I miss other than that feeling of security, like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I can't explain. I'm 5 months sober. Maybe I'm shifting again. Maybe life shifted and I'm having trouble keeping up. Maybe fucking mercury is in retrograde. Maybe I need to let go of thinking I have my shit together and be honest with other people that I don't. Maybe I can say my head has detached from my body but I'm still walking around like I know where I'm going. Maybe I'm jealous of people who don't care. Maybe I'm getting too much sleep and my dreams are wandering far into the depths of places I don't want to go. 

I don't fucking know. I do hope I finally hit the point where I can listen to something else. I hope I can unlock the puzzle of what is bothering me enough to make it stop. I want to make it stop. I need to move on instead of missing something that I cannot go back to. 

Devastation, but Maybe Cautious Optimism

 It has been a rough few weeks.

I thought I had my shit together. I got thrown into an internship that I had been studying for but still felt ill prepared at a site that seemed a bit low on staff. I took on as much as I could and LOVED the work. I was given a lot of freedom and I ran things the way I wanted, meeting with my supervisor once a week just to make sure I was on the right track.

Our numbers kept going down and then suddenly all staff get pulled in and told our site is closing. I was devastated, but wearing masks is helpful in situations such as these. The paper ones aren't as good at hiding tears as the cloth ones, but I tried to hold it together. We were then instructed to go out and put on a solid front for the clients who would have to merge with a different site. They were devastated. I was devastated. I was told that HR would talk to me within the next few days.

I'm not sure how to articulate the stress of having 3 years of classes hanging over my head with required hours to graduate in December being linked to where I was hired on for health insurance for me and my kid. It's a lot of debt to lose my internship now. I was also hurt and worried for the girls. One client came into my office who was in her final few weeks and broke down that she couldn't finish without me. My boss said she can't say much, but can share that I'm not leaving and I'll be around to help.

It was a quick move, two days later I was sitting on a couch in a different residential setting after teaching my final group therapy session at the old site. It was like the first day on the job but with 5 scared people looking to me for guidance when I was still adjusting to the change as well.

The new site was a different from a theoretical standpoint. It's weird to know this and look back at the times I was in counseling and guess what theoretical standpoint each of those counselors was operating from. This site is big into AA. I come from trauma based supervision. The clients that moved from my site quickly noticed the difference.
AA and 12 steps seem to be more methodical. Trauma based dives deep and asks why or "where did this idea come from?" I learned to dig and find the source. When you use drugs for so many years, you don't really think "why do I use?" It's a valid question and one of my favorite to ask. I found that once I pulled out as many reasons that kept them in active use, I could start knocking them down with facts, brain chemistry, assertiveness training, and thought-feeling correlation through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) but they had to come up with their list first. 
12 step programs walks everyone through a series of questions and pushes going to meetings and reading the "Big Book." 

Anyway, I worked my way in and was so nervous the first few times I led group. My previous supervisor just let me go and said she would let me know if I was doing something wrong. These supervisors are much more involved, which of course makes me anxious. 

What I learned is that over the past few months and feverishly reading, I've absorbed a shit ton of material and can lead 3 hour discussions easily without having to rely on handouts as much. I learned that engaging people is an art, some people who initially hate you may eventually change their mind, and an easy way to make friends at a new place is to take the most hated job from all your coworkers while not complaining. The only problem is that once I took the most dreaded job, they started to expect it and HR called again and placed me at another site.

Now was my turn to be devastated. I had my few clients left from the other site, but I had been running about a group per day with the other residents. I adjusted to their program and worked my way into it. My new site director paid me a compliment which really helped reaffirm that I like working in this field and especially with women. 

My last day at that site was so perfect. I got to run music therapy with my 4 favorite songs and then go into how to meditate before bed to let go of the day. I did notes, chatted with residents, chatted with staff, tried to hide my tears, played volleyball with staff and clients, and then sat in the living room with a client I am very close to and had such a good conversation while other clients came and sat around and listened. 

My heart is breaking right now. I wish I could have stayed. I didn't know I would like working with that population so much but the pain from their stories and how they were trying to get through it by destroying themselves is so amazing to work through. 
I walked away from there with part of my heart still with them. And I thought that maybe I'm not a good fit for this job because I'm too much of an empath. But fuck, that's a hard way to leave someone after I've invested so much mental energy into figuring out where they are coming from and how to help them stop destroying themselves in spite of their own best efforts. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach, this dull ache all over like walking away was not right or that there was something more I could have done to fight to work at that site. 
But I got transferred. I picked the available position within the company and in a few days, I get to see how things go. It's going to be different, but maybe I'll learn different things. 

I think one of my clients was poking at me for leaving her. I wasn't sure what she wanted from me and she is the one I warned about only being around temporarily. I don't know how I'm going to go from seeing someone every day and having such long talks about everything that is going on in her world to...  nothing. 
I'm struggling with what I can and what I cannot control. I know she needs to stand on her own two feet, but this is like telling her that and then taking the rug out from underneath her. I understand why she was poking at me. She was wondering if I was still alive and in there and trying to help her. It's just making me miserable now, but I know the other staff at that site will be fine. She is a bit dramatic at times, but her life has been pretty turbulent so I understand. 
I just want to reach out but I'm not sure how or why. She has a long way to go in recovery and I was only one tiny piece of it. I cannot hold her hand all the time, but I feel like I'm walking away far too soon. 
I only hope that she falls back and regroups. 

I guess I look back at the people who made a huge impact on my life and I see them in different time zones of my life. I look back at the good and the bad events like time stamps and scars I hold onto. I hope she keeps the good parts and builds on them. I hope she stays well. 

I prefer when clients graduate out of the program. I've been able to better walk away knowing that I've done everything I could to work through things that were holding them back. I don't feel like I was finished and I had to walk away. 

I wish them all well. I'm not sure what my next chapter looks like. I am trying to stay optimistic.