I Miss You

It's been awhile since I've had obsessive thoughts about something or someone. I used to fall hard for people who didn't return the feeling and my brain would repeat over and over events that happened as if there was something I could unlock and figure out how to make them love me. I would repeat a song over and over again in a sad attempt to unlock the secrets behind the hook, the beat, the tone, one part of the quiver in the voice that could free me from my obsession on repeat. I found the only way to get a song out of my head is to play it. But then sometimes that song needs played over and over again to fully process and push through that feeling. 

Right now I am pushing through a super sappy song that reminds me of heartbreak from forever ago and for you readers who would like to fall along and perhaps get it stuck in your head too, it's I Miss You by Incubus. It's pretty much 1999 sappy rock ballad to the max, with that masculinity that is fringed with a twinge of heartache without having to go into the typical rap rock to get the point across. There's a part that pulls between the chorus and the verse that drones on with voices and then falls away that just solidifies that longing feeling of walking away from something or someone that you love but still holds on. 

And I'm fairly convinced that I've completely lost my mind. I feel like someone took pruning loppers to where my spine is in order to separate my head from the rest of my body. Or maybe it's just pinched and my body is numb but my brain is stuck on repeat in the sappiest point I've been in forever. 

I can't even describe what I am missing. It's just this overarching feeling of floating through my days completely detached or in shock and I feel like my feet aren't even on the ground or the ground doesn't even exist.

I need to put a seed in the ground and watch it grow. I need to look forward. I am pulling myself back into this slow moving, slightly distorted, guitar driven whispers of something that I thought I had. When life splinters and branches into a different direction, it's hard not to think of the possibilities if life had gone right instead of taking a sharp left. 

It's funny how I sit down with people and talk through their obsessive thoughts like I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Perhaps if I had someone to talk to, I could process these irrational thoughts. I'm not even sure what I miss other than that feeling of security, like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I can't explain. I'm 5 months sober. Maybe I'm shifting again. Maybe life shifted and I'm having trouble keeping up. Maybe fucking mercury is in retrograde. Maybe I need to let go of thinking I have my shit together and be honest with other people that I don't. Maybe I can say my head has detached from my body but I'm still walking around like I know where I'm going. Maybe I'm jealous of people who don't care. Maybe I'm getting too much sleep and my dreams are wandering far into the depths of places I don't want to go. 

I don't fucking know. I do hope I finally hit the point where I can listen to something else. I hope I can unlock the puzzle of what is bothering me enough to make it stop. I want to make it stop. I need to move on instead of missing something that I cannot go back to.