same story, different day.

My toes are just starting to thaw from inside my stretched out socks. I had wanted to clean up tonight, but my legs have had enough and are ready for bed. I got my first cow today, a cute little bottle fed holstein complete with a bottle feeding crazy girl who just kept screaming- you're not going to eat him, are you!? - as I dodged the question. He's a cow... kinda big for a pet. And he eats a lot. We'll see. I have no idea what I am going to do with him.
My mom is mad at me again. I guess my number is up to be her least favorite kid. It was a good run, but I guess we all have to pay our dues. It seems like a perpetuating disorder where one thing piles on to the next thing and everything starts building and building and getting thrown way out of proportion. I don't think my brother is fit to bring a kid into the world. My mother thinks otherwise. My dad was caught tilling yesterday. My mom looked like she was going to kill herself. And now my dad is agreeing to get rid of his dog, move to a condo, or whatever she is talking about this week. I'm sick of it. Not like I'm going to do much though. Just avoid her for awhile. Usually the kid the farthest away is the most loved.

I am already worrying about thanksgiving. i don't know why. the weather maybe. the job loosing maybe. just worried about not being able to pay bills or where i'm going to work or what i'll be when i grow up. I think I need to get out more, go somewhere else. right now my world feels pretty small and crumbling in on itself.

Full Moon

Holy shit. I am not sure what the hell happened or has been happening or why this week has been so off balance. I think it is the full moon cycle coinciding with my cycle that has made this masterful terrible eclipse of everything good into everything evil.

My brain feels like a bullet went through it and it is scattered on the pavement, dripping. I have been so angry at everyone and everything and, though I hate to admit it, when the goats have been getting out, I swear it is out of spite and the are plotting against me. I get so angry I kick, scream, yell... not much works because the are fucking goats and they do what they want and are assholes so whatever.
And I know I should just save and buy a real fence. The alpaca enclosure is wonderful that Travis built. With recycled posts and a gate that we already had, I don't think it really cost too much. I will not get angry and start making comparisons.

Yes, it is a Sunday morning and yes I am up at 6:30. And yes, I wish I wasn't. And yes, I wish I actually did something last night. And yes, I am feeling rather lame as of late. And yes, I will probably try to go back to sleep in a few minutes with a new rescue dog tied to me ankle so I know she isn't going to sneak downstairs and potty where she's not supposed to.

....................................................
2 hours later
....................................................

AH, much better. Lots of funny dreams. The wind is blowing through the leaves that are bathed in sunlight just outisde my window. It might be a swimming day for the first time this summer. Supposed to be 90 but the wind in the air says they might be exaggerating.

And now with sleep in my eye and a cup of tea in my hand, I am ready to make a list. Maybe the full moon is waning after all...



p.s. if you are wondering where all my happy blogs are, check out high mill happenings

perhaps i'm hiding inside today. perhaps i'm not getting up because of too little sleep. perhaps i'm sad about the loss of my phone or perhaps maybe i'm just not looking forward to driving for 2 hours.

i'm just sitting in my room, watching the leaves blow around on the trees and begging for rain so i don't feel like i didn't go in to work for no reason. i guess i will go in just a bit but i don't really want to get out of bed unless i have to today.

i'm leafing through the online seed savers catalog lamenting the fact that the only thing that i've planted this year is a weedy arugula patch and some carrot beds that are taking their good ole' time. i'm starting to feel constantly ill at ease, like there's something more that i could or should be doing. i've stopped buying animals to try to satiate this feeling. i'm not going to have a kid anytime soon to see if that helps. i just kinda wish that i could just be content.... but it seems like more could always be done or there's something new on the horizon that i haven't explored enough.


pretty much my house is a mess, my paperwork is in shambles and i don't know what i'm doing with my life.
oh, and that rain that i was counting on, still isn't happening. fuck you, weather.com

I can't shake this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I shouldn't care, but I'm having trouble with dealing with things as of late.

I feel this overwhelming pressure building up to the point where I can't breath. I don't know, maybe it's just allergies but it's getting hard to swallow too. I'm going to get a neti pot today to see if that helps.

But really what's bothering me is a bad review. Well, I'm not sure that it's bad. 3 stars isn't bad, right? I mean, that's like a B- or something. It's not what I was going for.
Back to the beginning-- I'm on localharvest, which is how I sell my shares and meat and whatnot. I've been dying for a review for awhile, but then when one finally came, I'm not sure what I expected.
I mean, she said what I already knew. And she got the cheapo smallest size you could get. You could see the look on her face when she picked up her basket that was smaller than everyone else's and I knew it couldn't feed her as a vegetarian or her two toddlers and husband.

But I just don't like seeing every other farm around getting 5 stars and glowing reviews and my lonely 3 star review being a -thanks but no thanks- note.



ok..... i'm not going to let it ruin my day. well, i'm not going to let that and my overdraft park account ruin my day. ugh.

I'm also kinda freaking out because I read that you can't feed scraps to pigs. It's against the law. But Travis works at an old people's home and he collects everything fresh off the plate and feeds it to the pigs. I guess that's not allowed. Only table scraps from your household. So now I'm looking at my four little piggies going -now what?

i need to turn around. i need to get out of bed. i need a shower. i need screens in my windows. i need to take the dog out. i

springtime grouchy's?

sometimes i feel like my entire existence is barely held together by a thin thread, sewn haphazardly to make a quilt that could fall apart with a slight tug. or a kid with simple blocks, putting one on top of the other in such rapid succession that the inevitable tumble or fear thereof is completely overshadowed by the enthralling nature of the act of building.

i am not math. i cannot calculate my life like chess moves and i have no idea where i'm going next at any given time.


i think i am both intrigued and repulsed by this quality. i think i like being impulsive, but sometimes when this trait is mirrored back to me, i loathe it to an extent unimaginable.


and it's only been in the past week that the blocks i've been building up in my idea of where my life is going in the year 2009 came crashing down. it's like everything tumbles at the same time; bouncing checks, rain cancels work, my ankles and knees scream that they can't take it anymore, the tractor breaks, my brakes in my car are starting to go on strike --- and i get this twitch in my eye and suddenly my time becomes so precious.
i need to get the greenhouse in working order. i have classes to prepare for, peas to plant, dogs to train, sheep to house, fences to fix, grapes to prune............
i'm starting to become exhausted and am dying for a vacation, but then that would stretch my time even thinner.


I guess on a brighter note, last wed was pretty awesome. I had a potato planting class where I got 20 bucks for playing in the gardens and answering questions, and i got my potatoes in the ground as a bonus. aaaaand someone else kinda planted them.

My sister wants to bring home a couple alpacas. You have to give them shots once a month and they need a house a bit more substantial than the shipping boxes i have the goats in at the moment. They need proper fencing. I'm running out of csa money fast.

I guess it's always going to be like this- bored all winter and thinking up ten hundred new projects for the growing season, then when spring does hit it's like a pile of bricks sending me into sore-shock and grouchy-ness with a healthy side of time crunching and a bit of dirt for dessert


but really when i think about it, would i / could i have it any other way?

as creed once wisely said - what's this liiiiiiife fooooorrrr

The rain mixes with the ice in the clouds and pats the roof of my house as my little warrior dog curls up beside me on my freshly made bed. The smell of the swamp and little puppy groans are quickly permitted with one look into her completely exhausted eyes. Today at the beckoning and astonishment of my command, she valiantly attacked a groundhog, which was comparable to her diminishable size. But with teeth and claws out, she circled and barked as I egged her on, only engaging with confusion on occasion with which her opponent would retaliate with wicked bites to her face and neck.

She is exhausted tonight. I dressed her wounds and her confidence after the big fight where both partied walked away with minor injuries, despite Pepper's ingenious plan to throw the vermin in the creek to help her fight. I was proud of her as she jumped through the briars in a fruitless pursuit. A few rounds of fetch and the fight was almost out of her system.

Now I'm sitting here with itunes on random, jarring me from johnny cash to immortal technique to joanna newsome to ween. I just had a whirlwind cleaning night, the kind that I'm glad the later part of the day drove me inside with rain and wind and put a broom in one hand and a beer in another. It's so satisfying to see the piles of clothes either in baskets destined for the laundry or packed away in drawers or on hangers.
I had so much more planned for this week. And with a day and a half off, you would think that I would have gotten them done. Still no high mill park seed swap sign, garden fence is not yet up... but my house is somewhat clean, the lambs have a new house, some carrots, onion, and lettuce got in the ground, and i got to see my brother for spring break. My songwriting is atrophying as it usually does this time of year, not for lack of material but for being so far down on my list.

I'm starting to have this feeling that as more time passes, the less I'm willing to confess to knowing. I had a tough time coming up with gardening classes because I used to be confident that I knew something that someone else would want to know. Perhaps it's a shift from informing customers at lake cable to becoming a viticulture student who knows little about fence building or cattle husbandry or even what the season will bring from the vines I spend so much time with. I guess I have to admit that I don't want to go back. I learned everything I could in the time I had there and I don't want to sell people viburnums for the rest of my life, or even for the next 4 years.
I think eventually I do want to go back to school. The question, as always, is what for?

the state of the world and a hole in my dog

So I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning after a healthy night of getting sick, but not from drinking and I'm catching up on all the reading I've missed out on. Not long books, but rather my preferred literature - farm magazines. Now is often both a very good and very frustrating time to be reading about all the things that people in warmer climates can still do (still doesn't make me want to move to texas though) and winter issues are usually about more of the state of the world and the farming community. Of course this one I'm working through is incredibly democratic and most of the articles are about petitioning Obama. There's evils around. Obama promised to eradicate them. He promised!!!
I'm not sure if I believe that he's listening to me, the half-farmer half-consumer in shit-town Ohio with no savings and little influence on my surroundings, I mean with millions of Americans loosing their houses and their jobs, why would GMO crop reform be top on the list? With farming subsidies so out of whack, with factory chicken plants just eeking by on only 24% e.coli sent to market... why take the time now to reform it? Is public outcry still high or are they more worried about putting food on the table than colony collapse disorder?

I will try not to post another fatalistic, depressing blog. Perhaps it's not keeping food down that's making me be a little loopy or I just discovered a hole in the side of my faithful companion and don't have the money to take her to the vet but I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining come Jan 20th.