you need a heart to live

so i'm not at work. i called off today to play a show in detroit. the show never happened. and i didn't have the heart to go into work today. call it boredom or burnout or just the weather being 90 degrees with nothing really to do, but i didn't want to go. so i didn't.

and all morning, i've just been thinking of all the things that i should be doing. and i guess i'm finally getting the fall out of a failed shrimp harvest fest. but fuck that. there was no way to succeed. ---hey janee, you are going to make money on this right? you won't let us down? we need to make money. hey, what kind of advertizing did you do? did you mess that up too? everyone is counting on you. everyone is supposed to have fun. aaaand we're going to make money, right?


i guess i don't feel like a failure as much as i'm angry. it doesn't seem right. i mean, i didn't pay for the shrimp and the feed in the first place, so maybe i don't have a "right" to be mad, but i also didn't sign any contract stating that this was going to succeed/make money/be everything that everyone wanted.
and i like feeding shrimp and eating what i grew and getting together with people.
i didn't like getting pushed into charging for parking or when my mom cried because she didn't sell any crafts or when my uncle who flew all the way up from North Carolina for the first time in years just to boss me around about how to harvest shrimp.

i feel like there is a spring inside of me, linking my throat to my pelvis, just wrapping itself tighter and tighter around itself. and i don't want to eat. and i don't want to get out of bed. and i don't want to breath.

but here i am, out of bed, cheese sandwich slowly digesting with slow breaths lilting from my sunken chest. my mom yells from the other room. i turn up my music. i try not to cry.


the turkeys are all in the coop. eating corn. panting. waiting to die. i've only sold three of them. i lost the deposit checks for two. i don't have enough money to pay the place to get them slaughtered. i hope my dad doesn't ask me how many i've sold. the only relief i have is that i've paid for them and their feed and their makeshift house. i figure i've got at least $500 in them. and now i'm questioning why i ever did it.

the day of the shrimp fest, my favorite chicken died. i don't even know why i keep favorites anyway. they always are the first to die.

but anyway, after shrimp harvest fest, i stayed away from my family. i ate the best dinners, shrimp cooked ten different ways. after work every day, jason would have my house filled with good smells. and my money being so short hits me even harder as we sold about 8 tshirts. we have 62 shrimp fest 2007 tshirts left. ow.


ok, enough about that. i think i'm trying to turn myself around and get in a different gear. the whole morning i spent looking for jobs and working on the highmill website. i think i only submitted one application. wait, maybe two. i don't know why, but i got on a hospital kick this morning and got very excited when i saw a posting for a social worker part time for akron childrens. they needed a licensed applicant, which i'm not, so i applied to be a janitor. i always imagine that if i start at the bottom, maybe after meeting me and i'm not late or terrible, then maybe i could see what other opportunities they have. that didn't work out so much for the red cross, but then again, there aren't really very many paying jobs for them anyway.
i also have the number for an after school program in canton, which would be nice. working 3 - 7 or so just playing with troubled kids would be nice. i think it's through the canton crisis center. i'm just trying not to think of all the money that i don't have.

i guess i do have a couple of encouraging people who keep stopping by. there is one woman who emailed me pictures and suggestions about what to do for next year's shrimp harvest. i chatted a bit with her and tried not to seem too doom and gloom about how it's probably not going to happen next year, but whatever.

and it took me only a few days to get enough sleep to think of my next project. a project that my parents can do NOTHING in association with except for come. i have no idea where this idea came from, but it got stuck in my head like chewing gum.
i'm going to host a pie baking contest.
yeah, like i said, i have no idea where this came from. maybe from reading too much literature from the health department, but i think that i found a loophole where i don't have to get any permits. it's kinda like a bake sale, only people can try the pie right there.
each person is to bake 2 of their favorite pie and enter for a $5 fee. then on the day of the bake off, admission is free to the public, but it's $1 if you would like to judge. anyone who wants to judge gets a fork and a voting ballot and then walks around, tries the pies and votes for their best. awards are given for best crust, most diabetic friendly, most fruity, and best in show.

i'll probably use the entry fees from the bakers all towards prizes. and the $1 judging fee will go towards forks, electricity and advertizing. i hope it works! i've really got to start pounding the pavement to get people to enter now.

i just have this idea in my brain of little old ladies coming out with their faces full of pride with all these beautiful pies everywhere. my mom can sell her crafts. i'll have a couple of turkeys out with a sign up sheet for thanksgiving turks... and now thanks to jason, we're going to have turkey breasts for sale and turkey sausage. genius! the guys who are too big for any oven (and i've got quite a few of those guys that would max out a restaurant oven) get sent to the butcher. slice off the white meat that most people love and use the rest for some garlic and spiced sausage. delicious.

so anyway, i don't know. i hope i get that hospital janitor job or something. i just need something and i certainly need it part time to avoid burn out. i would love some cooler weather, but i'm not looking forward to freezing cold nights. oh! i'm also painting my back room so i don't have to sleep in the un-insulated attic of my house anymore. maybe i'll get a roommie. not looking forward to that, but then again, not enjoying the guilt trip from dad either. so someone to share bills with would be good.

ok, i'm off to make a to do list, regain my focus, and maybe get a bottle of wine for later tonight and head up to akron to forget about turkeys and chickens and bake sales and crafts.



p.s. go tribe!