So it's the holidays again. I guess. Not yet, but I've been doing enough festive stuff that I feel like I'm living three Christmas's over and over and over. At work, we're decorating trees. At home, mom is yelling at dad about grandpa and thanksgiving dinner. A few weeks ago, she said that she wanted to skip thanksgiving this year and go for a hike. She didn't want a turkey, she just wanted to go somewhere for the day. Sounds nice, but I haven't been raising turkeys for nine months not to eat one nor to celebrate, quite possibly my favorite holiday. So after listening to Jason's stories about three turkeys, a million cousins and uncles with kids, his mother baking and cooking and laughing and drinking all day, and his grandmother getting sauced up and telling crazy stories about homeland Austria... I think that sounds a little bit better than my mom freaking out the whole holiday, eating off of china that no one wants to wash, and my grandma saying something really funny that my mom gets totally offended by and storms out.
last thanksgiving was almost classic. Preston watched the killing of Doug the turkey the night before. He was supposed to take pictures. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. But it was Jason's first time killing anything and he didn't tie the rope very tight and while Doug was being bled out, flopping around bleeding, he fell into the creek, Jason jumped in after him, and he was still flopping so he took a log and smashed his head off. Not exactly pretty, but once the blood was washed off and we had a pretty darn nice looking bird being cleaned in the sink, we all could laugh about it. All but preston and mom did not laugh.
It was the most awkward dinner ever. But then again, dad broke open a little bit of wine and we got a little giggly. Mom didn't because she didn't want grandpa to think that she was a bit of a drinker, so she just had that sour look on her face as she tried to make conversation without stating the elephant in the room... that no one wanted to eat Doug. And then Jason, dad and I just started calling him Doug and saying "Doug is delicious" and "please pass the Doug" and I'm not sure why I love this story so much or why I feel the need to tell it a million times, but it's funny to me.
In an ideal world, I'd love to have thanksgiving with all the family, even my late uncle's wife and step kids and their kids and cook and laugh and drink and make fun of grandma and watch her laugh and eat off of paper plates and then take a nap and build a fire and play games and invite all my friends who have thanksgiving so far away. I'd eat another doug or two and stuff him with home grown garlic and onions and have cranberry sauce even though I never actually like it but I try it anyway and mashed potatoes that take a lot longer to make then they do to eat.
I think the holidays are beautiful and I will try to stay positive. All I know is this holiday, I am going to be "Jason's girlfriend" and play in his mother's awesome big kitchen, cooking for a million people that I don't know but who are actually grateful. And I hope to god we don't eat off of china.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
first snow.
it's cold. my fingers have that numbing feeling where you can tell that the blood is having a hard time pumping through the veins. i'm tire, but i've been up for hours. today is my day off. not that my days on are all that stressful, but today i'm work free. and i've got a million things to do.
first thing on my list is to take back all the prizes for the pie bake off. jason and my mom won. i was the only other pie that entered. people came out to taste test, mostly friends and a couple of people that have been peering on my website. a lot of people emailed and called. no one actually came out based on the $50 worth in advertising i did with the local paper. i did get more hits on the website, but that was pretty much it.
and i'm having a tough time right now, despite jason's attempts at cheering me up by saying that he had a wonderful time. i'm becoming disillusioned in the glassy eyed way of slow realizations and multiple failed attempts. i guess it's odd because even in b.g. when i tried to get something together, it worked. i had a bustling knitting group with new members coming and going all the time in a coffee house that loved us so much we got free pastries. and publications that came out every couple of months that people loved as i handed them out in the streets.
and now i'm questioning my lifestyle shift and if it is where i want to be at this point in my life. i guess the chickens as an impulse buy was fun and i love my ladies, but something keeps getting into my chicken house and eating them... or sometimes just half of them. yuck. all my ducks disappeared but one. my goat tried to headbutt me. my turks aren't selling. and my pool is a terrible shrimp pond.
i'm having dreams of working in a vineyard in tuscany. it's beautiful, just me under the supervision of some amazing old woman who knows all the secrets of her grapes and how to make the best wine and cheese and breads. i have friends and little stress and no student loans or libraries to send me to collections.
my grandmother is in the hospital. i hung out with her and watched the browns game. the next day her health turned and i'm not allowed to go see her yet. i don't know what is wrong or how she's doing or anything. it's depressing.
and my mom keeps asking what i want for christmas. if i stay here, i'd like some rugs for my terribly cold floor in the house that is forever unfinished. but what i really want is some good running shoes and a full tank of gas to get me somewhere... a place where i can finish a renovated house, have a successful shrimp harvest, sell all my turkeys, and have the best damn pie bake off that the whole community comes out to see.
i tried to go out with friends last night. it kinda cheered me up. there is this boy matt that both bethani and norman are in love with. the whole night was kinda funny watching the way that both of them interact with him. he is rather charismatic and chatty and fun, but the way that they both vie for his attention is hilarious. we saw a girl that reminded me of a bit of val, only with a less beautifully unique voice. she sang songs about love in three four time and about leaving and whatnot. it sounded like she was the most normal person in the world the way that A + B always equaled C in her songs. I chatted with her a bit, trying to hold my sarcastic tongue just long enough to offend her only once and mention Ashley Judd's boobs only one time... and it was tough to get it down to that. Then we went to my favorite dive bar in Akron and i kinda fell in love with the little mini-city. Granted, i would get sick of it much faster that toledo (one year) but it was so nice to get away from thinking about dead chickens and failing endeavors.
in any case, i'm hoping to start writing again. i'm not sure if it's going to be a book about chickens or not. i recently read an article about a woman who has a horse rescue stable in southern ohio and you could tell in the tone that she was tired as a woman in a loveless marriage with no hope of divorce in sight. she kinda droned on about how some days are better than others and one time she was in love with a horse but he's long gone. i guess maybe our lifetime is so much longer than those we love some times that it's almost a pain to keep going. like watching dog after dog die. it's tough to get a new puppy.
maybe we should all keep tortoises as pets. they'll outlive us all.
and jason is out of town during the week now. it's nice that he's making money and doing what he loves and i kinda like the freedom of not having to be home all the time or him wondering why i don't invite him when i go out. my weeks are mine again and my house is clean and i get to see my friends on any given night and sometimes i'm scared and lonely and terribly bored, but it's not too bad. my beer lasts a lot longer too. i stare at my fish tank. and it will be nice to have him actually bringing money in by doing something that he is good at. i hope that he can save it and put it towards something better than this. i'm kinda disillusioned at that as well though. he never pays his bills; student or medical or phone. he just got out of living at a place where he didn't have to pay rent and he still didn't save any money. all his stuff is at my house. i like it when he comes back, but in the back of my brain, i'm picking everything apart.
i guess that's why i can't stay in relationships. ever. i just pick everything apart and only see the bad. but i think it's also the winter blues setting in. that and the fact that he set up this thing where the turks have free local delivery, but since he got this job, he can't deliver... which means it's all up to me now.
maybe i kinda feel like i get stuck taking care of everything. or maybe it's that everything taking care of me. i don't know. i just think that the days are getting shorter and i'm pissed off and my chickens are dying and mingah keeps dragging them from their resting places after they've been there three weeks which is completely disgusting and i wake up to her munching on their heads. i scream. i yell. i tell her how gross that is, but she still does it. and as long as my chickens keep dying, she's going to have plenty of new chew toys and i'm going to be chasing her around with a shovel, screaming.
ok, i'm done ranting. i wish i had friends here to talk to. i think the maturity level lends more to me taking care of them rather than a mutual friendship where i can talk about how i'm doing without them listening while thinking about what they are going to say next. i guess i wouldn't know what to say to me either. so maybe i don't blame them.
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.
first thing on my list is to take back all the prizes for the pie bake off. jason and my mom won. i was the only other pie that entered. people came out to taste test, mostly friends and a couple of people that have been peering on my website. a lot of people emailed and called. no one actually came out based on the $50 worth in advertising i did with the local paper. i did get more hits on the website, but that was pretty much it.
and i'm having a tough time right now, despite jason's attempts at cheering me up by saying that he had a wonderful time. i'm becoming disillusioned in the glassy eyed way of slow realizations and multiple failed attempts. i guess it's odd because even in b.g. when i tried to get something together, it worked. i had a bustling knitting group with new members coming and going all the time in a coffee house that loved us so much we got free pastries. and publications that came out every couple of months that people loved as i handed them out in the streets.
and now i'm questioning my lifestyle shift and if it is where i want to be at this point in my life. i guess the chickens as an impulse buy was fun and i love my ladies, but something keeps getting into my chicken house and eating them... or sometimes just half of them. yuck. all my ducks disappeared but one. my goat tried to headbutt me. my turks aren't selling. and my pool is a terrible shrimp pond.
i'm having dreams of working in a vineyard in tuscany. it's beautiful, just me under the supervision of some amazing old woman who knows all the secrets of her grapes and how to make the best wine and cheese and breads. i have friends and little stress and no student loans or libraries to send me to collections.
my grandmother is in the hospital. i hung out with her and watched the browns game. the next day her health turned and i'm not allowed to go see her yet. i don't know what is wrong or how she's doing or anything. it's depressing.
and my mom keeps asking what i want for christmas. if i stay here, i'd like some rugs for my terribly cold floor in the house that is forever unfinished. but what i really want is some good running shoes and a full tank of gas to get me somewhere... a place where i can finish a renovated house, have a successful shrimp harvest, sell all my turkeys, and have the best damn pie bake off that the whole community comes out to see.
i tried to go out with friends last night. it kinda cheered me up. there is this boy matt that both bethani and norman are in love with. the whole night was kinda funny watching the way that both of them interact with him. he is rather charismatic and chatty and fun, but the way that they both vie for his attention is hilarious. we saw a girl that reminded me of a bit of val, only with a less beautifully unique voice. she sang songs about love in three four time and about leaving and whatnot. it sounded like she was the most normal person in the world the way that A + B always equaled C in her songs. I chatted with her a bit, trying to hold my sarcastic tongue just long enough to offend her only once and mention Ashley Judd's boobs only one time... and it was tough to get it down to that. Then we went to my favorite dive bar in Akron and i kinda fell in love with the little mini-city. Granted, i would get sick of it much faster that toledo (one year) but it was so nice to get away from thinking about dead chickens and failing endeavors.
in any case, i'm hoping to start writing again. i'm not sure if it's going to be a book about chickens or not. i recently read an article about a woman who has a horse rescue stable in southern ohio and you could tell in the tone that she was tired as a woman in a loveless marriage with no hope of divorce in sight. she kinda droned on about how some days are better than others and one time she was in love with a horse but he's long gone. i guess maybe our lifetime is so much longer than those we love some times that it's almost a pain to keep going. like watching dog after dog die. it's tough to get a new puppy.
maybe we should all keep tortoises as pets. they'll outlive us all.
and jason is out of town during the week now. it's nice that he's making money and doing what he loves and i kinda like the freedom of not having to be home all the time or him wondering why i don't invite him when i go out. my weeks are mine again and my house is clean and i get to see my friends on any given night and sometimes i'm scared and lonely and terribly bored, but it's not too bad. my beer lasts a lot longer too. i stare at my fish tank. and it will be nice to have him actually bringing money in by doing something that he is good at. i hope that he can save it and put it towards something better than this. i'm kinda disillusioned at that as well though. he never pays his bills; student or medical or phone. he just got out of living at a place where he didn't have to pay rent and he still didn't save any money. all his stuff is at my house. i like it when he comes back, but in the back of my brain, i'm picking everything apart.
i guess that's why i can't stay in relationships. ever. i just pick everything apart and only see the bad. but i think it's also the winter blues setting in. that and the fact that he set up this thing where the turks have free local delivery, but since he got this job, he can't deliver... which means it's all up to me now.
maybe i kinda feel like i get stuck taking care of everything. or maybe it's that everything taking care of me. i don't know. i just think that the days are getting shorter and i'm pissed off and my chickens are dying and mingah keeps dragging them from their resting places after they've been there three weeks which is completely disgusting and i wake up to her munching on their heads. i scream. i yell. i tell her how gross that is, but she still does it. and as long as my chickens keep dying, she's going to have plenty of new chew toys and i'm going to be chasing her around with a shovel, screaming.
ok, i'm done ranting. i wish i had friends here to talk to. i think the maturity level lends more to me taking care of them rather than a mutual friendship where i can talk about how i'm doing without them listening while thinking about what they are going to say next. i guess i wouldn't know what to say to me either. so maybe i don't blame them.
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
help
So the answer to the previous post is a no answer on a cell phone. pfft. so much for trying.
in any case, i'm having a couple of things go a bit wrong, but hey, what's new.
first - i'm broke. not just broke but completely and hopelessly broke. i'm almost a thousand dollars behind in payments on my student loan. one of my paychecks is only 200 dollars. you can see my dilemna. what happened is i was behind a month, which made the total be 250 dollars, which meant that i had to wait to collect two paychecks as i cannot seem to keep more than a dollar in my checking account at any given time. but then by the time i got the 250, there was another bill and it was up to $375. geez! that's two whole paychecks. which started getting me down a bit. and i'm behind on chase and my substidized student loan. goodbye credit score.
so all of this has me thinking about that great dichotomy in my life. the choice between having money and being unhappy or being broke but loving life.
and every day i keep thinking that the whole loving life thing is quite a bit contingent on having money. and i rack my brain every day for ways to rectify this problem. just a few minutes ago when i was trying to figure out how to defer my student loans, i almost checked the box that i was going back to school. that would take care of the whole deferment thing. but then again, that would also add to the debt. and what the hell would i go to school for anyway, which is probably why i have not gone that route.
and it's funny, but i stopped going to my therapist because, well, i was paying her $50 an hour out of my pocket for her to listen to my blabber on about how my life is going and honestly, it didn't really get me anywhere. i liked going there because i could vent, but at the same time, i kept coming home and doing the same goddamn things with the same results.
so here i am, on my own and trying to figure it out. i have a wet dog in my lap, my feet are quite a bit cold, and my stomach is curling up into knots. the idea of becoming a waitress is looming with more and more impending doom. i can't put off my loans any longer. i can't seem to make the bills.
and yet i'm held back by this strange feeling that i owe everyone something. like everything that anyone has given to me, i need to repay back ten fold. i guess that's why i never care much for quitting jobs. it just seems strange to me that a business would spend money on training you and you just turn around and leave. i keep thinking that if i can just work around my current job, i'm sure i'll find something perfect that could supplament it.
and maybe i have. i'm interviewing for a mentor program for inner city kids in canton. it's from 5 - 8pm every day, which is nice because my winter hours at the nursery are 10 - 3 which leaves a bit of time for a nap in between. i guess all that i know is i can't have a full time job. i suck at those, unless they are active or i get to change up where i am.
anyway, i went to the akron children's hospital website and wanted to apply to work with kids there, but i ended up filling out an application to be a cleaning lady. they still haven't gotten back to me.
i just submitted my resume to work in the office of levin furniture for nights and weekends. i think that might be one step up from working with food, although sadly when i saw the now hiring sign outside of burger king, i did think about it for a second. hah. how about that. i'm paying my student loans with my salary from burger king.
in any case, that's life i guess.
the neverending job / money thing continues. but i also have another stresser right now that's kinda stressing me. jason.
ok, so this kid is great. always eager to help and we have fun together and plan things. pretty much we are the same person, only split into two bodies. he gets excited about the same things that i get excited about and we certainly get into a lot of mischeif together. i think that he eggs me on in some of my endeavors, but whatever. we'll save that for another time.
anyway, his downfall is the same thing that i fret over a lot, only he doesn't fret. he has no money. he's living at spring hill for free. he works a job with hours so flexible, he doesn't really have to go in on any given day.
well, now he's moving out of his place for free. he has nowhere to live, and a job that doesn't pay him enough to get a new place.
this means i'm freaking out. and he is a bit worried now as well. he turned in his two weeks notice at spring hill and was planning on moving out, but he just doesn't know where. which makes me nervous as i'm sitting here with my car full of his stuff, wondering where i'm going to dump it.
now don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't like him and all. i do. it's just this claustaphobic feeling is coming pretty hard at me again and i don't think that there is anyway he could move in and work fixing the house in exchange for rent. in a relationship that's evil in the eyes of the lord, no less.
pretty simply, define hell. yup. something like that.
so i'm hoping upon hope that he gets a place and fast. i'm definately going to miss his old house at spring hill. granted, it did kinda suck when i slept over only to wake up to a busload of kids taking a tour and i had to sneak out the back door with my bra under my arm, trying not to make a sound as i ran down the super long driveway, but hey... it's better than my house - at least he had heat.
today is my day off, which usually is about reprieve or getting something done or feeling better about yourself, but i'm not feeling that today. i don't even have $5 to run down and get a 40 and some cigs so i can sit on my back porch and whine about my situation. i owed the movie rental place that and they happily took it.
ok, now to clean up dog poop as mingah has lost all control of her back end. yuck
in any case, i'm having a couple of things go a bit wrong, but hey, what's new.
first - i'm broke. not just broke but completely and hopelessly broke. i'm almost a thousand dollars behind in payments on my student loan. one of my paychecks is only 200 dollars. you can see my dilemna. what happened is i was behind a month, which made the total be 250 dollars, which meant that i had to wait to collect two paychecks as i cannot seem to keep more than a dollar in my checking account at any given time. but then by the time i got the 250, there was another bill and it was up to $375. geez! that's two whole paychecks. which started getting me down a bit. and i'm behind on chase and my substidized student loan. goodbye credit score.
so all of this has me thinking about that great dichotomy in my life. the choice between having money and being unhappy or being broke but loving life.
and every day i keep thinking that the whole loving life thing is quite a bit contingent on having money. and i rack my brain every day for ways to rectify this problem. just a few minutes ago when i was trying to figure out how to defer my student loans, i almost checked the box that i was going back to school. that would take care of the whole deferment thing. but then again, that would also add to the debt. and what the hell would i go to school for anyway, which is probably why i have not gone that route.
and it's funny, but i stopped going to my therapist because, well, i was paying her $50 an hour out of my pocket for her to listen to my blabber on about how my life is going and honestly, it didn't really get me anywhere. i liked going there because i could vent, but at the same time, i kept coming home and doing the same goddamn things with the same results.
so here i am, on my own and trying to figure it out. i have a wet dog in my lap, my feet are quite a bit cold, and my stomach is curling up into knots. the idea of becoming a waitress is looming with more and more impending doom. i can't put off my loans any longer. i can't seem to make the bills.
and yet i'm held back by this strange feeling that i owe everyone something. like everything that anyone has given to me, i need to repay back ten fold. i guess that's why i never care much for quitting jobs. it just seems strange to me that a business would spend money on training you and you just turn around and leave. i keep thinking that if i can just work around my current job, i'm sure i'll find something perfect that could supplament it.
and maybe i have. i'm interviewing for a mentor program for inner city kids in canton. it's from 5 - 8pm every day, which is nice because my winter hours at the nursery are 10 - 3 which leaves a bit of time for a nap in between. i guess all that i know is i can't have a full time job. i suck at those, unless they are active or i get to change up where i am.
anyway, i went to the akron children's hospital website and wanted to apply to work with kids there, but i ended up filling out an application to be a cleaning lady. they still haven't gotten back to me.
i just submitted my resume to work in the office of levin furniture for nights and weekends. i think that might be one step up from working with food, although sadly when i saw the now hiring sign outside of burger king, i did think about it for a second. hah. how about that. i'm paying my student loans with my salary from burger king.
in any case, that's life i guess.
the neverending job / money thing continues. but i also have another stresser right now that's kinda stressing me. jason.
ok, so this kid is great. always eager to help and we have fun together and plan things. pretty much we are the same person, only split into two bodies. he gets excited about the same things that i get excited about and we certainly get into a lot of mischeif together. i think that he eggs me on in some of my endeavors, but whatever. we'll save that for another time.
anyway, his downfall is the same thing that i fret over a lot, only he doesn't fret. he has no money. he's living at spring hill for free. he works a job with hours so flexible, he doesn't really have to go in on any given day.
well, now he's moving out of his place for free. he has nowhere to live, and a job that doesn't pay him enough to get a new place.
this means i'm freaking out. and he is a bit worried now as well. he turned in his two weeks notice at spring hill and was planning on moving out, but he just doesn't know where. which makes me nervous as i'm sitting here with my car full of his stuff, wondering where i'm going to dump it.
now don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't like him and all. i do. it's just this claustaphobic feeling is coming pretty hard at me again and i don't think that there is anyway he could move in and work fixing the house in exchange for rent. in a relationship that's evil in the eyes of the lord, no less.
pretty simply, define hell. yup. something like that.
so i'm hoping upon hope that he gets a place and fast. i'm definately going to miss his old house at spring hill. granted, it did kinda suck when i slept over only to wake up to a busload of kids taking a tour and i had to sneak out the back door with my bra under my arm, trying not to make a sound as i ran down the super long driveway, but hey... it's better than my house - at least he had heat.
today is my day off, which usually is about reprieve or getting something done or feeling better about yourself, but i'm not feeling that today. i don't even have $5 to run down and get a 40 and some cigs so i can sit on my back porch and whine about my situation. i owed the movie rental place that and they happily took it.
ok, now to clean up dog poop as mingah has lost all control of her back end. yuck
Monday, October 15, 2007
return of a ghost.
J.D just emailed me. This is the J.D that I dated in high school. The J.D that may or may not have faked a heart attack and gotten carted out of school. The J.D that lied about drugs making his lungs collapse, that was the star of the basketball team in his brain, the one that scared the shit out of me by stopping in the middle of nowhere to yell at me for... um, not sure what. The J.D that yanked me from the homecoming dance because his socks were too tight or too short or, I don't remember. The same boy who took me to the park to star watch on a freezing cold night and insisted that we fucking sit there until we see a shooting star because that means that we are made for each other.
We never saw that fucking shooting star.
And of course, it's been ten years. And of course I've only thought about him twice, usually while driving by the spot in the woods that he drove to yell at me after homecoming for embarassing him about his socks or something and I almost walked home half pissed off and half ashamed that I would have to go home and tell my parents that they were right and he was an asshole.
But then again, ten years ago, I was all about the jerks. I like them. I'm not sure what evolutionary chain thing that is because of, but some young girls like the mean ones. I guess maybe part of it is from idolizing Beauty and the Beast, where just with her innocent love, the maniacal isolated prince/beast changes into something amazing... a maniacal isolated prince with a little wifey.
Or was it the Phantom of the Opera where the maniacal isolated deformed dude falls in love with the underappreciated chorus girl and makes her a star. But then again, he disappears alone in that one, which always made me sad.
Of the Little Mermaid who falls in love with a different species, changes herself, sacrifices her voice and he still rejects her. but then again, that's a bit of a stretch.
Point being, 10 years ago, I really thought that I could melt this asshole's heart and bring out the good in him that of course only I saw.
In any case, the email threw me off a bit. I kinda half expect a half assed myspace comment or something, which is the cheap and easy way out. Maybe it's because I put the accent over the second e in my name making me very difficult to search for. But I got his email through local harvest, a website designed to bring local growers to their local customers.
Could it have been that J. D was searching for a thanksgiving turkey and found me? Or was it more of a concentrated search and that website is the first thing that comes up on google?
Oh well, only one way to find out. Now for the call....
We never saw that fucking shooting star.
And of course, it's been ten years. And of course I've only thought about him twice, usually while driving by the spot in the woods that he drove to yell at me after homecoming for embarassing him about his socks or something and I almost walked home half pissed off and half ashamed that I would have to go home and tell my parents that they were right and he was an asshole.
But then again, ten years ago, I was all about the jerks. I like them. I'm not sure what evolutionary chain thing that is because of, but some young girls like the mean ones. I guess maybe part of it is from idolizing Beauty and the Beast, where just with her innocent love, the maniacal isolated prince/beast changes into something amazing... a maniacal isolated prince with a little wifey.
Or was it the Phantom of the Opera where the maniacal isolated deformed dude falls in love with the underappreciated chorus girl and makes her a star. But then again, he disappears alone in that one, which always made me sad.
Of the Little Mermaid who falls in love with a different species, changes herself, sacrifices her voice and he still rejects her. but then again, that's a bit of a stretch.
Point being, 10 years ago, I really thought that I could melt this asshole's heart and bring out the good in him that of course only I saw.
In any case, the email threw me off a bit. I kinda half expect a half assed myspace comment or something, which is the cheap and easy way out. Maybe it's because I put the accent over the second e in my name making me very difficult to search for. But I got his email through local harvest, a website designed to bring local growers to their local customers.
Could it have been that J. D was searching for a thanksgiving turkey and found me? Or was it more of a concentrated search and that website is the first thing that comes up on google?
Oh well, only one way to find out. Now for the call....
Saturday, October 6, 2007
you need a heart to live
so i'm not at work. i called off today to play a show in detroit. the show never happened. and i didn't have the heart to go into work today. call it boredom or burnout or just the weather being 90 degrees with nothing really to do, but i didn't want to go. so i didn't.
and all morning, i've just been thinking of all the things that i should be doing. and i guess i'm finally getting the fall out of a failed shrimp harvest fest. but fuck that. there was no way to succeed. ---hey janee, you are going to make money on this right? you won't let us down? we need to make money. hey, what kind of advertizing did you do? did you mess that up too? everyone is counting on you. everyone is supposed to have fun. aaaand we're going to make money, right?
i guess i don't feel like a failure as much as i'm angry. it doesn't seem right. i mean, i didn't pay for the shrimp and the feed in the first place, so maybe i don't have a "right" to be mad, but i also didn't sign any contract stating that this was going to succeed/make money/be everything that everyone wanted.
and i like feeding shrimp and eating what i grew and getting together with people.
i didn't like getting pushed into charging for parking or when my mom cried because she didn't sell any crafts or when my uncle who flew all the way up from North Carolina for the first time in years just to boss me around about how to harvest shrimp.
i feel like there is a spring inside of me, linking my throat to my pelvis, just wrapping itself tighter and tighter around itself. and i don't want to eat. and i don't want to get out of bed. and i don't want to breath.
but here i am, out of bed, cheese sandwich slowly digesting with slow breaths lilting from my sunken chest. my mom yells from the other room. i turn up my music. i try not to cry.
the turkeys are all in the coop. eating corn. panting. waiting to die. i've only sold three of them. i lost the deposit checks for two. i don't have enough money to pay the place to get them slaughtered. i hope my dad doesn't ask me how many i've sold. the only relief i have is that i've paid for them and their feed and their makeshift house. i figure i've got at least $500 in them. and now i'm questioning why i ever did it.
the day of the shrimp fest, my favorite chicken died. i don't even know why i keep favorites anyway. they always are the first to die.
but anyway, after shrimp harvest fest, i stayed away from my family. i ate the best dinners, shrimp cooked ten different ways. after work every day, jason would have my house filled with good smells. and my money being so short hits me even harder as we sold about 8 tshirts. we have 62 shrimp fest 2007 tshirts left. ow.
ok, enough about that. i think i'm trying to turn myself around and get in a different gear. the whole morning i spent looking for jobs and working on the highmill website. i think i only submitted one application. wait, maybe two. i don't know why, but i got on a hospital kick this morning and got very excited when i saw a posting for a social worker part time for akron childrens. they needed a licensed applicant, which i'm not, so i applied to be a janitor. i always imagine that if i start at the bottom, maybe after meeting me and i'm not late or terrible, then maybe i could see what other opportunities they have. that didn't work out so much for the red cross, but then again, there aren't really very many paying jobs for them anyway.
i also have the number for an after school program in canton, which would be nice. working 3 - 7 or so just playing with troubled kids would be nice. i think it's through the canton crisis center. i'm just trying not to think of all the money that i don't have.
i guess i do have a couple of encouraging people who keep stopping by. there is one woman who emailed me pictures and suggestions about what to do for next year's shrimp harvest. i chatted a bit with her and tried not to seem too doom and gloom about how it's probably not going to happen next year, but whatever.
and it took me only a few days to get enough sleep to think of my next project. a project that my parents can do NOTHING in association with except for come. i have no idea where this idea came from, but it got stuck in my head like chewing gum.
i'm going to host a pie baking contest.
yeah, like i said, i have no idea where this came from. maybe from reading too much literature from the health department, but i think that i found a loophole where i don't have to get any permits. it's kinda like a bake sale, only people can try the pie right there.
each person is to bake 2 of their favorite pie and enter for a $5 fee. then on the day of the bake off, admission is free to the public, but it's $1 if you would like to judge. anyone who wants to judge gets a fork and a voting ballot and then walks around, tries the pies and votes for their best. awards are given for best crust, most diabetic friendly, most fruity, and best in show.
i'll probably use the entry fees from the bakers all towards prizes. and the $1 judging fee will go towards forks, electricity and advertizing. i hope it works! i've really got to start pounding the pavement to get people to enter now.
i just have this idea in my brain of little old ladies coming out with their faces full of pride with all these beautiful pies everywhere. my mom can sell her crafts. i'll have a couple of turkeys out with a sign up sheet for thanksgiving turks... and now thanks to jason, we're going to have turkey breasts for sale and turkey sausage. genius! the guys who are too big for any oven (and i've got quite a few of those guys that would max out a restaurant oven) get sent to the butcher. slice off the white meat that most people love and use the rest for some garlic and spiced sausage. delicious.
so anyway, i don't know. i hope i get that hospital janitor job or something. i just need something and i certainly need it part time to avoid burn out. i would love some cooler weather, but i'm not looking forward to freezing cold nights. oh! i'm also painting my back room so i don't have to sleep in the un-insulated attic of my house anymore. maybe i'll get a roommie. not looking forward to that, but then again, not enjoying the guilt trip from dad either. so someone to share bills with would be good.
ok, i'm off to make a to do list, regain my focus, and maybe get a bottle of wine for later tonight and head up to akron to forget about turkeys and chickens and bake sales and crafts.
p.s. go tribe!
and all morning, i've just been thinking of all the things that i should be doing. and i guess i'm finally getting the fall out of a failed shrimp harvest fest. but fuck that. there was no way to succeed. ---hey janee, you are going to make money on this right? you won't let us down? we need to make money. hey, what kind of advertizing did you do? did you mess that up too? everyone is counting on you. everyone is supposed to have fun. aaaand we're going to make money, right?
i guess i don't feel like a failure as much as i'm angry. it doesn't seem right. i mean, i didn't pay for the shrimp and the feed in the first place, so maybe i don't have a "right" to be mad, but i also didn't sign any contract stating that this was going to succeed/make money/be everything that everyone wanted.
and i like feeding shrimp and eating what i grew and getting together with people.
i didn't like getting pushed into charging for parking or when my mom cried because she didn't sell any crafts or when my uncle who flew all the way up from North Carolina for the first time in years just to boss me around about how to harvest shrimp.
i feel like there is a spring inside of me, linking my throat to my pelvis, just wrapping itself tighter and tighter around itself. and i don't want to eat. and i don't want to get out of bed. and i don't want to breath.
but here i am, out of bed, cheese sandwich slowly digesting with slow breaths lilting from my sunken chest. my mom yells from the other room. i turn up my music. i try not to cry.
the turkeys are all in the coop. eating corn. panting. waiting to die. i've only sold three of them. i lost the deposit checks for two. i don't have enough money to pay the place to get them slaughtered. i hope my dad doesn't ask me how many i've sold. the only relief i have is that i've paid for them and their feed and their makeshift house. i figure i've got at least $500 in them. and now i'm questioning why i ever did it.
the day of the shrimp fest, my favorite chicken died. i don't even know why i keep favorites anyway. they always are the first to die.
but anyway, after shrimp harvest fest, i stayed away from my family. i ate the best dinners, shrimp cooked ten different ways. after work every day, jason would have my house filled with good smells. and my money being so short hits me even harder as we sold about 8 tshirts. we have 62 shrimp fest 2007 tshirts left. ow.
ok, enough about that. i think i'm trying to turn myself around and get in a different gear. the whole morning i spent looking for jobs and working on the highmill website. i think i only submitted one application. wait, maybe two. i don't know why, but i got on a hospital kick this morning and got very excited when i saw a posting for a social worker part time for akron childrens. they needed a licensed applicant, which i'm not, so i applied to be a janitor. i always imagine that if i start at the bottom, maybe after meeting me and i'm not late or terrible, then maybe i could see what other opportunities they have. that didn't work out so much for the red cross, but then again, there aren't really very many paying jobs for them anyway.
i also have the number for an after school program in canton, which would be nice. working 3 - 7 or so just playing with troubled kids would be nice. i think it's through the canton crisis center. i'm just trying not to think of all the money that i don't have.
i guess i do have a couple of encouraging people who keep stopping by. there is one woman who emailed me pictures and suggestions about what to do for next year's shrimp harvest. i chatted a bit with her and tried not to seem too doom and gloom about how it's probably not going to happen next year, but whatever.
and it took me only a few days to get enough sleep to think of my next project. a project that my parents can do NOTHING in association with except for come. i have no idea where this idea came from, but it got stuck in my head like chewing gum.
i'm going to host a pie baking contest.
yeah, like i said, i have no idea where this came from. maybe from reading too much literature from the health department, but i think that i found a loophole where i don't have to get any permits. it's kinda like a bake sale, only people can try the pie right there.
each person is to bake 2 of their favorite pie and enter for a $5 fee. then on the day of the bake off, admission is free to the public, but it's $1 if you would like to judge. anyone who wants to judge gets a fork and a voting ballot and then walks around, tries the pies and votes for their best. awards are given for best crust, most diabetic friendly, most fruity, and best in show.
i'll probably use the entry fees from the bakers all towards prizes. and the $1 judging fee will go towards forks, electricity and advertizing. i hope it works! i've really got to start pounding the pavement to get people to enter now.
i just have this idea in my brain of little old ladies coming out with their faces full of pride with all these beautiful pies everywhere. my mom can sell her crafts. i'll have a couple of turkeys out with a sign up sheet for thanksgiving turks... and now thanks to jason, we're going to have turkey breasts for sale and turkey sausage. genius! the guys who are too big for any oven (and i've got quite a few of those guys that would max out a restaurant oven) get sent to the butcher. slice off the white meat that most people love and use the rest for some garlic and spiced sausage. delicious.
so anyway, i don't know. i hope i get that hospital janitor job or something. i just need something and i certainly need it part time to avoid burn out. i would love some cooler weather, but i'm not looking forward to freezing cold nights. oh! i'm also painting my back room so i don't have to sleep in the un-insulated attic of my house anymore. maybe i'll get a roommie. not looking forward to that, but then again, not enjoying the guilt trip from dad either. so someone to share bills with would be good.
ok, i'm off to make a to do list, regain my focus, and maybe get a bottle of wine for later tonight and head up to akron to forget about turkeys and chickens and bake sales and crafts.
p.s. go tribe!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
muggy
It is incredibly hot and muggy out today. I went to work and then left for a long lunch, came back and then left early. 90 degrees and humidity is crushing.
and my life seems to be a bit out of control as of late. for a bit, i think i had it stabilized, but then as my sister is calling me as i'm driving away from my shrink appointment and ruins my peace of mind that only 50 bucks and a woman who will listen can give, i kinda realize that i don't have it all in control.
i'm kinda in a rut. i know what i want to do, but i don't know how to get there. i want to be in an integrated community that shares my ideals of self sustaining and raising your own food. i don't want to live next door to my parents anymore. i don't know if my current job will be able to support me. i think that i might have to make a bit change, but then again, little me and my anxiety problems have it a bit rough when it comes to even thinking about stuff like that.
it kinda came to me when i was making my sweet potato order. we didn't get our starts this year because we placed the order too late. i was thinking about placing the order now for next year when i thought -what the fuck, do i want to be here next year?
so now i don't know. i guess nothing will really change until after shrimp harvest, which is on september 22nd, hint hint, mark your calanders. i guess really it won't be until after november when the turkey slaughter happens, but maybe in the pale blue months of january and feb, i can pull together the pieces of my brain and figure out where i'm going from here.
all that i know is that wherever i go, it will be away from here.
and my life seems to be a bit out of control as of late. for a bit, i think i had it stabilized, but then as my sister is calling me as i'm driving away from my shrink appointment and ruins my peace of mind that only 50 bucks and a woman who will listen can give, i kinda realize that i don't have it all in control.
i'm kinda in a rut. i know what i want to do, but i don't know how to get there. i want to be in an integrated community that shares my ideals of self sustaining and raising your own food. i don't want to live next door to my parents anymore. i don't know if my current job will be able to support me. i think that i might have to make a bit change, but then again, little me and my anxiety problems have it a bit rough when it comes to even thinking about stuff like that.
it kinda came to me when i was making my sweet potato order. we didn't get our starts this year because we placed the order too late. i was thinking about placing the order now for next year when i thought -what the fuck, do i want to be here next year?
so now i don't know. i guess nothing will really change until after shrimp harvest, which is on september 22nd, hint hint, mark your calanders. i guess really it won't be until after november when the turkey slaughter happens, but maybe in the pale blue months of january and feb, i can pull together the pieces of my brain and figure out where i'm going from here.
all that i know is that wherever i go, it will be away from here.
Friday, May 11, 2007
sisters are silly
so my sister came into town which is more of a soul searching -what the fuck- expedition than a visit. most of the time i wonder how we can be related. the other part of the time is spent wondering what planet her brain is on because it's not here.
she's soooo weird. and i'm not talking about weird like -15 yr olds think their parents are weird- weird. i'm talking about all out -what the hell is she thinking- weird.
so she came into town. i got the band booked at a local place in akron so that she could come see us play. i couldn't tell if she was texting or trying to take pictures for the most part. she kinda liked it i guess because after we were finished, she told me that i should go on american idol. (as a sidenote, i dislike american idol and would in all honesty not make it past the first round... and that's just not me being self-depricating or anything, i'm just not cut out for super pop music marketed en masse.) then she bought an excessive amount of really good beers, as it was going to be only us two, and went back to my house to chain smoke on my back porch and call chip with updates.
and yes, if you were wondering, she is still with chip; the 40-something yr old abusive jerk who calls her malleable, who threw her cell phone/wallet/purse out the window of a moving car, who punched her windshield out, who strangled her while drunk one night.... eh, you get the idea. so she's still with him, not living with him, just still "in love" although i'm not sure how it can be love if it's based on her lying to him and him being jealous of everything that she does. she says he's changed, but anyone who has ever seen a lifetime movie knows that he hasn't... but then again, that's coming from the network where everyone's "first time" ends in teenage pregnancy. but on the other hand, statistically speaking if he has a history of violence, then he is extremely more likely to do it again. but then again, if you think that everyone who has been violent will continue to be violent cannot believe in the court system or any sort of reform and while i may be a cynic, i'd like to think that people are not inherently evil or anything.
so i guess here's these two polarities. on the one hand, she's headstrong and says she's in love and she very well could be if love also comes in the form of pathological lying and manipulative jealousy. so maybe i'm just being stupid and i should be happy for her that she's found someone that she wants to buy a house with and marry and make babies with. *shudder* ick blah ick.
on the other hand, that's my sister and i know she's malleable and he should just stay the fuck away from her and go live his life somewhere else where he can't hurt her.
and it's funny but the topic of conversation rested quite a bit on illegal immigration, which i of course do not agree with her staunch stance on deporting everyone, along with the topic of babies. now, admittedly, that's not something that i think about often. i think that babies kinda remind me of overripe melons with squishy skulls that have an odd odor about them even when they have not soiled themselves. they are kinda cool, i guess, but it's never been anything that i'm crazy about. they are just kinda there.
but... my sister really wants one.
ick.
i repeat ick.
so i don't know. i think after a couple really good beers, i referred her to a sperm bank where she can pick what traits she would like to mate herself up with to create a good kid. amazingly enough she wasn't really offended by that, in fact, i don't think that she caught my cynicism at all because she kept right on plowing through with -baby-baby-buy-a-house-and-get-married-and-more-babies talk. it was really weird. she talked about this perfect life almost down to the color of her walls and the two kids and the backyard and all that, but then it seemed like as a sidenote she would insert chip in there. it's like, tomorrow i'm going to go to the store and buy milk and eggs and then get my nails done and then go to the gym and then go home and go to bed and i'm really happy about it all... and i'm going to do it with chip. i think in english, that's the passive noun where if the sentence started out with the name of the person, that would be more active. e.g. chip and i are going to the store to buy milk etc.
now, i thought about this and that could mean a few things. for one, maybe she's trying to convince me that this life will make her happy and she's just trying to slip the douchebag in there like i'm not going to notice. kinda like a list of things that are in the fridge that you could eat for dinner "honey, i have steak or baked beans or pork chops or worm castings and rotten cabbage" to which the reply would be "sounds great".
... and yes, i did just compare chip to worm castings and rotten cabbage.
another reason for the blah blah blah, oh and with chip sentence structure could be that she just wants this perfect life that she's been dreaming about forever and ever and she's got it all planned out and the best candidate for right now is that guy over there that she keeps sleeping with because she can't find anyone better.
i don't know. as the night progressed she called up chip and said that we were going to bed right then when she knew we weren't and then her fake confession that she has a problem with lying and she doesn't know why.
duh.
if you are dating a boy that hates when you talk to other boys and gets mad at you when you do, are you really going to tell him who you talk to?
i just don't understand how you can really build a relationship on being excited about watching two nights of american idol together on your flat screen.
le sigh, so that's my sister and this is my frustration. sometimes i think that if i can just put it down on paper, these calculations would jump out at me and tell me how to proceed or that there is some sort of pattern that i could take and dodge for the next time or something. but alas, here i am thinking -on one hand - but on the other hand- with little if no resolve. i do know that it bothers me and i'm in the same position that i'm always in; if i say too much, she retreats and doesn't talk, but if i say nothing then will i lose her completely?
damned if i do, damned if i don't.
she's soooo weird. and i'm not talking about weird like -15 yr olds think their parents are weird- weird. i'm talking about all out -what the hell is she thinking- weird.
so she came into town. i got the band booked at a local place in akron so that she could come see us play. i couldn't tell if she was texting or trying to take pictures for the most part. she kinda liked it i guess because after we were finished, she told me that i should go on american idol. (as a sidenote, i dislike american idol and would in all honesty not make it past the first round... and that's just not me being self-depricating or anything, i'm just not cut out for super pop music marketed en masse.) then she bought an excessive amount of really good beers, as it was going to be only us two, and went back to my house to chain smoke on my back porch and call chip with updates.
and yes, if you were wondering, she is still with chip; the 40-something yr old abusive jerk who calls her malleable, who threw her cell phone/wallet/purse out the window of a moving car, who punched her windshield out, who strangled her while drunk one night.... eh, you get the idea. so she's still with him, not living with him, just still "in love" although i'm not sure how it can be love if it's based on her lying to him and him being jealous of everything that she does. she says he's changed, but anyone who has ever seen a lifetime movie knows that he hasn't... but then again, that's coming from the network where everyone's "first time" ends in teenage pregnancy. but on the other hand, statistically speaking if he has a history of violence, then he is extremely more likely to do it again. but then again, if you think that everyone who has been violent will continue to be violent cannot believe in the court system or any sort of reform and while i may be a cynic, i'd like to think that people are not inherently evil or anything.
so i guess here's these two polarities. on the one hand, she's headstrong and says she's in love and she very well could be if love also comes in the form of pathological lying and manipulative jealousy. so maybe i'm just being stupid and i should be happy for her that she's found someone that she wants to buy a house with and marry and make babies with. *shudder* ick blah ick.
on the other hand, that's my sister and i know she's malleable and he should just stay the fuck away from her and go live his life somewhere else where he can't hurt her.
and it's funny but the topic of conversation rested quite a bit on illegal immigration, which i of course do not agree with her staunch stance on deporting everyone, along with the topic of babies. now, admittedly, that's not something that i think about often. i think that babies kinda remind me of overripe melons with squishy skulls that have an odd odor about them even when they have not soiled themselves. they are kinda cool, i guess, but it's never been anything that i'm crazy about. they are just kinda there.
but... my sister really wants one.
ick.
i repeat ick.
so i don't know. i think after a couple really good beers, i referred her to a sperm bank where she can pick what traits she would like to mate herself up with to create a good kid. amazingly enough she wasn't really offended by that, in fact, i don't think that she caught my cynicism at all because she kept right on plowing through with -baby-baby-buy-a-house-and-get-married-and-more-babies talk. it was really weird. she talked about this perfect life almost down to the color of her walls and the two kids and the backyard and all that, but then it seemed like as a sidenote she would insert chip in there. it's like, tomorrow i'm going to go to the store and buy milk and eggs and then get my nails done and then go to the gym and then go home and go to bed and i'm really happy about it all... and i'm going to do it with chip. i think in english, that's the passive noun where if the sentence started out with the name of the person, that would be more active. e.g. chip and i are going to the store to buy milk etc.
now, i thought about this and that could mean a few things. for one, maybe she's trying to convince me that this life will make her happy and she's just trying to slip the douchebag in there like i'm not going to notice. kinda like a list of things that are in the fridge that you could eat for dinner "honey, i have steak or baked beans or pork chops or worm castings and rotten cabbage" to which the reply would be "sounds great".
... and yes, i did just compare chip to worm castings and rotten cabbage.
another reason for the blah blah blah, oh and with chip sentence structure could be that she just wants this perfect life that she's been dreaming about forever and ever and she's got it all planned out and the best candidate for right now is that guy over there that she keeps sleeping with because she can't find anyone better.
i don't know. as the night progressed she called up chip and said that we were going to bed right then when she knew we weren't and then her fake confession that she has a problem with lying and she doesn't know why.
duh.
if you are dating a boy that hates when you talk to other boys and gets mad at you when you do, are you really going to tell him who you talk to?
i just don't understand how you can really build a relationship on being excited about watching two nights of american idol together on your flat screen.
le sigh, so that's my sister and this is my frustration. sometimes i think that if i can just put it down on paper, these calculations would jump out at me and tell me how to proceed or that there is some sort of pattern that i could take and dodge for the next time or something. but alas, here i am thinking -on one hand - but on the other hand- with little if no resolve. i do know that it bothers me and i'm in the same position that i'm always in; if i say too much, she retreats and doesn't talk, but if i say nothing then will i lose her completely?
damned if i do, damned if i don't.
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